Coming out

[McNamara]

This week I am trying to stay away from my iPod as this is the main trigger for my MDD.  So far, it's been difficult.  I have used it for around an hour each evening but have really reduced my MDD time. 

 

I feel sick when I don't MDD and I feel a little lost, and flat.  Thinking about my own life compared to the world I rule in MDD land is shocking because it is so dull.  When I look at myself and my life, I feel angry that I don't live up to some of my own expectations, and that I am not using all of the talents I was given.  I recognise that the MDD can be viewed as a gift and I am grateful to have such a powerful imagination - but it's not all I am.  I am determined to do something about this.  So far, this has had very interesting consequences.

 

At the weekend,  I began to teach myself a new language using the BBC Languages site (it's free!).  I've picked up quite a bit, and every time I'm tempted to MDD, I try to just remember the new vocabulary I've learned.  I hope that concentrating on the 'now' will help me reduce and control my MDD time.  As well as finding this really enjoyable, I am happy that I've made such practical use of my time doing something on my 'real life list'.

 

I've also spoken to my lovely husband about MDD and how it affects me, for the first time.  I was terrified about 'coming out of the MDD closet' and as he's such a practical, down to earth person, really felt he would never be able to understand.  I will confess that I didn't go into all of the details but spoke in vague terms.  To my shock, he said that while he didn't create characters etc, he often thinks of conversations he may have the next day, thinks of things like winning the lottery and how he would tell me (which was very sweet!) and other things, more like a constant 'rehearsal' he would have with himself.  He said that he often noticed I looked as if I was thinking of something very intently and would seem pre-occupied but just thought I was worrying about something, as he knows how anxious I get. 

 

I feel really relieved to have told two people (my sister and now him) and no-one has thought I was completely insane (which is what I've always thought about myself, lol!).  I am very lucky to have people who will nurture me and love me no matter what and I'm incredibly grateful for this - I didn't ever imagine I would ever tell anyone about this, and to be honest, I have to thank this site for giving me te courage to speak about it.  

[McNamara]

Hi EludeMyFantasies and Gloriana, Thanks for your lovely comments!  EMF - my sister didn't get it either!  At least it wasn't a really negative reaction, which I've really grateful for, but my husband was amazing.  I hope you accomplish everything you want for yourselves too, you're both so sweet to say such nice things xx