Bad Days

[Sandra]

I cannot be alone with myself for too long. That's why I work so much. I usually leave work around 11 after being there all day so I'm extremely tired, too tired to sit around in my head. Well I left work at 6 pm Sunday night. So that gave me 7 hrs alone with me. I think I was ok for about an hr, then I went on major binge. I watched things I shouldn't watch for about 4 hrs. Also hadn't done that since before New Year's. Afterwards, and during, I went very deep inside of my head. A bad place to be. I fell so far so fast. The only thing that broke the fall somewhat was slipping into my daydreams. They are my brains' defense mechanism. Between feeling completely unwanted by my parents, feeling lost, alone, hurt, and broken, I kept slipping into my safe, happy, inner world. Some of my deepest, darkest thoughts were, 'what would happen if I swallow this bottle of pills,' and, 'maybe I should abort me, like my mom wanted to but she wasn't allowed to.' It was like every few seconds I slipped between the worst depression I have ever felt, and the warm, loving embrace of the man that loves me (in my head). I was so sad but my daydreams saved me.