Again

[Mai Xiong]

How many times did I stop myself? How many times did I tell myself this isn’t real? Again and again I tell myself this isn’t real—all in your head.Parting with my imagination was like an addiction. I didn’t want to come out, but I know I couldn’t stay here.

I know they weren’t all real, but I wanted to live the illusion. I feel a dull fake euphoria in this imagination and every time I know it was all faked. It was so easy and so safe—yet so lonely. And so that is why I questioned. Did I really want to stay here?

I pulled myself out when I started to question why this situation? I tend to replay certain situation, then when I caught myself I would question why? That has really help me to understand my fear and anxiety.

[Mai Xiong]

lol it's all good. Thanks for reading my post. :D

See I am the one talking weird, not you. hehehe

[Mai Xiong]

Garima you are not talking weird. If you are, I am also talking weird and so are all the people on here. But yes, things get confusing. Sometimes you think you don't understand when you actually do. I tend to get afraid and tend to say to myself I don't know--I don't understand. When in truth I don't need to understand, but I know. Understanding and knowing isn't really the same. I know is knowing this and that, understanding is a different level of knowing--you don't just know, but you accept and really realize it to your core what this and that is.

We know this world in our head isn't real, but we want to stay in it. Ask your self, what is the different between reality and what is my head? Even if you don't know, don't understand--keep trying to saying what you are feeling. I started with me trying to express what I am feeling with simple words like bad, uncomfortable etc etc until I can get complex enough and analyze what is my state of mind, mood etc etc.

I feel the more you battle with it, the more you resist its temptation, you will understand. Along the way you may keep saying I don't know maybe because you don't want to know--I know I deny my for quite a while. I keep saying I don't know, until I finally say I do know I am just afraid to say I know. By saying you know, you allow yourself to look at your daydreaming, to state something and to make it true. Everyone know themselves best. People usually need a little guidance or a tons depending on the person, but the rest is up to the person.