1st Time Venting-Lashing Loss of Control:

Alright, I began talking to a fellow ENFP about MDD & he replies, "Ah, I'm pretty sure I have that, my kid does to & I'm proud my son has it to.  Love it & it serves me well.  My friend suggested taking a vitamin B12 to turn it off whenever & I can just have vivid dreams in my sleep.".... Then I just blew.  I guess I needed to vent, I've never vented about it before.  I feel bad now, I just typed in 90 mph anguish, I wasn't even sure what I was typing.  Well, here's what I typed:

Hmmm, I'm not sure U have it then. It can affect ur life negatively. You lose parts of your life, you can't focus, no medications or vitamins help, you become so scarily involved as if the characters are real, you get so frustrated with yourself cause you can't do anything but daydream most of your life away & U can't stop until your mind says U can, a lot of the daydreams us people have are negative, you can't even be creative with it most of the time because when you're striving to be creative is when it gets at its worst & U can't even concentrate to put it down on paper, you get bad grades(average at absolute best) because you will try your absolute hardest to focus forcing yourself but before you know it you missed all the notes & lectures, many become obsessively attached to the characters & it's as if you're right there- you cry when they cry, you laugh when they laugh, you pull your hair when they hurt themselves, you feel extreme revenge when they are after you or your loved one, you make faces while doing it/flail your arms/wince/rock back & forth & then you wake up to realize that your crazy cause nobody's there, you can't shut it off, you feel like a total freak, it's difficult to live in the real life. It's good & bad. It's only good when you're in it because it forces you to use your creativity, because it's adrenaline, & because it's addictive. You know what MDD is like? It's like how people feel with heroine- they feel completely awesome when they're in the middle of the ride & are addicted to it, but once they get off the ride they realize that they've wasted most of their life on fantasies, they can't ever get their life back, & they realize it's not just being creative- it's a monster in your head that FORCES you to be creative. It's like being thrown into a prison, being chained to a chair, & being told to paint paintings nonstop for the rest of your life because you have no choice but to have your life & creativity be sucked out of you whenever it is convenient for THEM not you. The doctor making this disorder aware says that some people mistaken MDD for some daydreaming & extreme creativity- I wish that's all I had. It's like the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler- except you never had a choice. Your mind picked up that remote when you were a small child & pushing fast forward to all the "good" parts for the rest of your life til you die with your deceiving fantasies. But hey, as long as it's fun in the middle of the ride right!?! It's a colorfully candy-coated curse. .... I wouldn't wish it on anybody, at least that's how it is for me....

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Comment by Destiny Lund on September 13, 2011 at 10:31pm
LOL!  Methinks I guilty.   
Comment by Destiny Lund on September 13, 2011 at 9:28am
Mmmm, we have Amaretto right now in the fridge, Amaretto is my fav.   ^_^
The best cup of coffee to me is bold dark roast, just a little bit of creamer, & a LOT of sugar.    ^_^
Comment by Destiny Lund on September 13, 2011 at 6:13am
WOW.  1 1/2 cups of coffee do it 4 me.  
Comment by Destiny Lund on September 13, 2011 at 5:43am
OH GOSH, not me.  My body is so sensitive to caffeine & it's cousins.  My fiance won't let me drink more than 1/2 of 1 because by just drinking 1/2 I bounce off walls, I talk faster, &  my heart beats faster.  If I have a whole 1 it's a little harder to breathe, I get dizzy, my hands shake really bad, & my heart beats so fast it hurts sometimes.   LOL
Comment by Destiny Lund on September 13, 2011 at 5:32am
YEA  I guess, LOL. 
Yep, I feel better now.  I think he may have been mistaking for ADD/ADHD.  Which wouldn't be so bad if I ONLY have that, but I have a few things.
I know what U mean, I've never noticed a break or lessening of this.  I've taken this energy drink that also had stuff added to it for extra focus once, it helped slightly temporarily, nothing that could really help.

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