02. Suspension and Static

[Delorean Jones]

There's a nice little job lined up for me at my Dad's company.

It's by no means dead-end. I could end up physically crafting the hulls of space ships

The attractive-sounding secretary (Hiring person... HR girl, whatever) sent another email.

"You haven't sent us your application yet. If you don't want the Job be sure to tell me now"

Yeah of course I want the job!

 

 

No                         No                 No 

 

 I want to write I want to sing I want to do anything but be here

but when my responsibility is gone, so is my focus

Months spent in suspension, I'll decide if I want the job next week.

Whenever I drink or smoke I feel even more strongly about it.

No.

 

But without structure I've been flailing, so little progress so now I'm debating

whether I should man up and go to work. Put on my blue-white collar shirt.

A self-willed self-disciplined growth spurt.

 

But I hate learning about something I don't care about when there's so much I do care about. Why didn't I try harder in school?

Lazy.

Why didn't I go for an art's degree at a real school?

Doubt.

 

There's been a lot more progress in my lucid dream control (I want a better word for this)

Sometimes consciously going to sleep, suddenly awash in psychedelic colors and feelings long after

what little THC I inhaled has left my system.

 

I've been tracing my thought patterns though. The pattern of belief,

of confidence, of undeniable

(well, I can deny it, but the choice to not deny is much easier to stick to)

roots into the deeper part of my brain I feel not many have explored, let alone chart and understand.

 

I have an old textbook on psych I read every so often. I compare it to the 20 or 30 my friends must have shoved into their brains at real college. My knowledge is so insignificant, how can even start to think I know about this stuff?

 

Well, what stuff am I writing about? I write a lot about the writing process. 

My writing process. I write about action. My action.

I guess I know about that.

I will just go and do, and worry about sounding pretentious and unfounded later.

I will I will I will

I will.

Therefore I am. Thinking isn't enough.