I call it my demon.

[Schatten]

Hello everyone,

I discovered this site a year ago. Until then I didn't know what MD was and it shocked me to my core. I was not alone, but i didn't change anything and I ignored everything I read and continued.

A brief summary of my demon (as I call him). I am successful, respected, loved. I have a job that I don't have in real life.

I keep imagining the same situation. Everyone admires me, I'm important. The situation varies in relation to the person. It depends on who I'm currently fascinated by. Women from films, important women in public life, women I know. The situation is always the same, but the person changes. In a way, I am watched and admired. I also have a husband. My triggers are actresses, movies and music.

Others here talk about moving while doing it, I mostly walk while doing it. Often in my apartment. I'm in my late thirties now and have been doing it for almost 20 years. It limits my life. I have a job and friends, but I haven't experienced life so much because of it and have let so many opportunities go pass me. 

My demon is my safe space, he is my refuge, he is my life. Whenever I try to give up, which I have never managed for more than a few weeks, I feel empty and like I have wasted my life AND I have wasted my life.

I used to go out less often because I have him, but now I want to go out more and often don't have the opportunity. I used to compare men to him (husband) and now I hardly get to meet anyone. I'm quite lonely.

I want to change my life, finally meet someone and live honestly. Like my friends, who are on a completely different level in their lives.

I thought I'd make a start and finally write here. I'm finally taking on the challenge. Is there anyone my age or people who have made it? I've read a lot here and I can see myself. I hope I can finally develop further and take a big step towars recovery (when you can call it that).

[Schatten]

@Rachel and @Mils thank you for your kind comments.

[Mils]

Hey, nice to meet you!

I get the part when you can only last a few weeks. It's honestly so disheartening, and it feels like a cycle you can't break. Also I deeply resonate with feeling on a different level to the people around you. It sucks haha

I hope you can find ways to help you recover, can't wait to hear more about it!

[Rachel]

Hi Schatten!

Welcome to Wild Minds. I relate to your story in some ways. My DDing has improved significantly, though.

I'm 25 and have been on WM since I was 14.

Welcome, again! I'm more active in the chat room than on blog posts/forums, so feel free to check out the chat room! It's a great space!