they thought i am stupid

[Stephan42]

I was so happy when i first read about MD. Honestly I thought that everybody would do that but apparently there are only „a few“ of us :) I have three worlds i created. One: I am a soccer player and I created my whole career and the career of other „players“ and „coaches“. It is like a fantasy soccer game. I have every year, every World Cup etc in my mind. The other world is me as a basketball player. Same like the world before and the last world is me as a actor. I started at the age of 15 I guess. I wrote the whole soccer career in a book. I wrote down all games with the scores. When I was 18 I burned this book because I felt so guilty.

Now to my problems in life: I passed my school. I passed another education level, i passed my bachelor and I worked a lot and was active in social work and sports. BUT in school I was always the one with bad grades. I was always a nice person but I had problems to learn. People thought I am stupid. I am lazy etc. But I wasn’t. I was just sitting/moving in my room and „playing my world“.
I notice that i spend much time in my worlds when I do something I don’t want to do. Like now. I am in my master degree and I have to learn but it is happening again. People see my learning but in my mind I am completely somewhere else. It is not only those worlds i am, also i dream doing different subjects and dream what I could do with it. My problem is that I don’t know a lot. Everything i learned in my life is forgotten. That is my problem. I feel like that my mind is completely full with my daydreams. In order to finish Tests or presentations I always have to learn everything word by word. I cannot understand and talk about the topics. I always have to force me to memorize it. I cannot talk free about the stuff I learn on university.

It is really hard to „forget“ my worlds. I hope one day that i am able to forget all of this but when I think about it, this data base is so huge, it will be hard to forget all of this.

Somewhere I read that somebody said it is like a drug. Yes. It is a f****** drug. I get so hyped when I wake up, home alone and know I can go and play the World Cup or Champions league of one created player. Adrenalin and joy. After a while i get tired and lie down on the couch. Sometimes it is crazy.

I am so happy to read about your things.

My parents separated when I was 6. That was the most horrible thing for me. I can remember the exact moment (place/weather/voice) when my father told me that they separate. My parents had money so i had a very good life but there we’re continuously problems between my parents and new life partners through my puberty. That is the only „trauma“ i have.

I hope i can stop that dreaming one day. Maybe I am in the wrong track at all. Maybe didn’t learn the right thing in my life.

I wish all of you the best :)

[Mils]

that's incredible how you got all those degrees tho!!! I really hope you can find a way to stop, good luck :)

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm taken aback. I was self-assured I'd get the future I want by my 30's. When I got my design degree, I was hoping to work for a studio at a firm in advertising, publishing or marketing. I didn't realize how hard it was, not to mention very fast-paced. I'd job hunt for months thinking of these ideal jobs, but was stagnant doing this. When I finally got around to real opportunities, I bombed. Big time. In reality, I wound up with a retail position putting together "crap design" for their website and channels. Then the pandemic came along, I took on side hustles, but was not full employed for a while now. Now I have to think of switching careers and retraining. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's funny, people just don't get me. I try to act normal, but people still pick up on my listening, and inability to speak out. Even my family and closest friends find it strange and did get upset by it. I keep hearing from people that I'm the quietest person they've met, or they wonder where I've been. I don't want this to define my life. I do want relationships and friends, I don't want people to be offended by me and my dreaming. 

[prettysoul]

I understand you 100%

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Sometimes, I wonder what I'm proving to someone. I spent my whole life living in alternate worlds that weren't real. Everything I did in these worlds weren't realistic. In real life I have Asperger syndrome, and I'm a gifted visual artist, but I suck at everything else. I had so many occupations that didn't work out. I was a Dunst working on the floor and the managers/staff found me so very stupid. They thought I had terrible problems, had no sense of logic and should be terminated. They found my communication skills horrendous, and didn't like who I was as a person. I struggled to interact socially with people, was clumsy at times and failed to concentrate and be in the zone of a task. I realized later that I perform very well on a computer. I say this, and people think I'm tunnel visioned, as I focus so hard on my work that I lost the ability to speak up to others conversation-wise. I honestly never met anybody who found me an attractive person. They just get mad and start yelling at me. I must admit, I do have beautiful facial features, but I am extremely quiet, and all you can hear is mumbling. Also my Aspergers makes me look rude and unfriendly. So it throws people off altogether and they don't want to be my friend, and they assume I have no love life either. It really, really hurts. I deserve better, and I can't get better, because that's the truth. Not many people will put up with me. I don't mean to look so stupid, I'm truly an intelligent person, I'm just highly misunderstood and not likeable by nature. I breaks my heart real life doesn't look squat like my fantasies. That's probably why I picked up MD in the first place, to ease my loneliness. I have met some people who liked me for who I am, and they are usually closer to my tribe or they are a tribe that likes my kind of tribe. Regardless, I don't see enough of these people, and it's probably because I don't socialize that much. 

[Dee Wards]

It sounds like you worked hard to get your degrees.  You can’t be lazy and do that.  Have you thought about getting a therapist or coach to help you break up your routine?  There’s time to make things the way you want them.