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Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest

Work in progress

Today is being particularly difficult to handle. I watched an interview in the morning and now I am daydreaming about being the person being interviewed. This is highly interfering with my preparation. I just hope that this subsides.
I also learnt something today. I learnt that blogging about my experience with MD is helping me cope with the disorder.
My dream is to become the best version of myself. I want to be the best version of myself to be able to heal the people who trust me with their bodies. I believe that I can do this. It is just going to take some work. But I believe that I can do it.

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Comment by MedStudent on July 13, 2023 at 10:22am: @jessica ballantyne dont worry about liking you. Just keep working on yourself. You will get there. This disease is all about working on ourselves. Today i am having a really hard day. One minute it is easy to handle it and then the next minute it is just hard. The craving is always there. I have to meditate. Meditating is the only thing that helps me. It calms me down and it helps me realise that its just thoughts and cravings and that i can choose to ignore it. I use headspace. In headspace there is this pack called the craving pack. It is helping me out. But still at the end of the day, i have to choose to apply this to my real life. It is not easy but I am making baby steps.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 10, 2023 at 5:12am: Thanks, I should've thought about this a while back. If I had done this, people would've liked me better and didn't rant "Jessica doesn't talk." But in future I will. Thing is my life has been pretty quiet since I left college. I stopped being around my peers, and was always working remotely. So I socialized less and less.

I'm stunned at how much time has passed. All my peers have their own lives. They have careers, homes, kids etc. Apparently, I'm still not there. I blame myself for not speaking up and making myself seen.

Comment by MedStudent on July 9, 2023 at 11:45pm: @jessica ballantyne, I used to be just like you. I hardly ever opened my mouth throughout school and college. I had very friends and i rarely spoke to them and just like you i used to follow them around. One day i just decided that i should change that and just start talking to people. I used to say hi, i used ask them about their day or their patient. Something like that and i very quickly realised that if I just smile at people, treat them warmly and just talk to them, you make friends quickly. Suddenly i was friends with everyone. Maybe you could try. I swear to god, taking that first step is always the hardest. Opening your mouth and just saying hi to someone is not easy in the beginning but then with time it becomes so much easier. I really hope this is of some help to you.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 2, 2023 at 10:57am: I think that I understand why people refused me simply for not being talkative. I must've looked so weird to them, or I concerned them, even made them angry and impatient. I lived in my head, so I could've tell for sure why I was bothering them. We express ourselves verbally, it shows that we're smart. I am a smart person, but I couldn't manage to prove it. Still, I am frustrated as to why people just don't like me. Maybe I just haven't found the right crowd for myself. Yes, I do write my thoughts down in a journey every morning. To get rid of the noise in my head, I turn the channel and meditate with soft tunes. Usually cafe jazz.

Comment by Rahul on July 2, 2023 at 9:56am: Yes, writing down your thoughts occasionally or Journaling daily really helps. It's the best thing you can do to help yourself.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 2, 2023 at 8:06am: Last night, I was sitting in my backyard and there was club music playing at party nearby, and it became an ear worm in my head. Not only this, I was having a hard time with a relative lately. I'm a woman, I'm small, so its easy to mess with me. I suddenly daydreamed that I was a fighter in extreme situations, with the mix music playing in my head. It was all to do with female power. Hours went by, and I woke up, realizing how ridiculous and unreal the dream was. Meanwhile my family was talking amongst each other, and I wasn't listening, as though I was absorbed in my own fantasies.

Later that night, there were fireworks and festivities going on in our town. My sister and dad are taller than me, so they were walking very fast, having a conversation, and I followed along so quietly. I honestly just wasn't very talkative. I remembered so many people complained about this before. As we watched the fireworks, but I felt "out of the picture," like I didn't matter to anybody. I was just so quiet and invisible. Nobody could've noticed that I was there, that I was alive, that I existed—what I wanted from life. On our way home, from having ice cream. My sister and dad were so far ahead of me, and I was so tired of walking, but I was so quiet they didn't know I was way back behind them. That's when I realized how "everybody" must've felt around me—they just couldn't learn who I was. I was this walking wall of silence that lived in my head all day. So it was hard to have a relationship with me.