Worst year of DDing yet and really struggling!

[Nicola]

Ok so I'm 29 and been DDing for as long as I can remember. I've always been able to keep in under control most of the time, so that it doesn't interfere with my daily life. Il just do it in an evening when I go to bed.

As I've got older iv been doing it more and more, taking myself to my bedroom during the day, closing the door and DDing. But even then I was still able to work full time and have a social life.

Over the past few years it has become more and more intense, losing days, weekends DDing and becoming more of a recluse because I'd rather spend my free time DDing rather than socialising. However at the most I'd lose a week or two where I wouldn't work or attend to daily life, then after this 'intense period' I'd return to some normality.

This year however, it's gotten way out if control. Iv spent the whole year DDing basically, barely worked, barely socialised, gotten into major debt because of it. My family are majorly concerned about my reclusive lifestyle. The concern turned into frustration because they don't understand, even though iv explained and directed them to these websites.

Mum thinks I'm depressed because I'm a recluse. Earlier this year I lost it and took an overdose. I couldn't cope with the hassle from my family, or the idea that I have no life, I just simply exist. Plus I think being in isolation so long, sent me a bit loopy. I'm not depressed, I actually live DDing, it's when I'm most happy, lost in this secret fantasy world.

Anyway the overdose didn't work, after a week in hospital I returned home and back to square one, only it's worse coz now my family are hassling me more and more to get a life for myself because they are scared il do it again.

I was referred for psychology but when it came to talking about the specifics of my daydreams I couldn't do. I'm happy for people to know I daydream but no living soul knows what I daydream about and I panic at the thought of anyone knowing. My therapist said I have things going on in my head that I don't talk about so it's only outlet is through daydreaming. Is that likely to be the case? Anyway I couldn't talk so my therapy ended.

Anyway I'm really stuck now. I have no motivation to do anything with my life because if come to reject reality so much! The pressure on me is so intense, from my family to sort myself out, from creditors who want money for my debts that I simply can't pay because I can't get myself out to work.

Life is pretty dismal at the mo and I don't want to die but I get sick if living and death seems like the best way out if all this. Health professionals don't understand DDing so there's no help whatsoever for me. It's scary that its become so intense, iv never known DDing to affect my life as much as it has this year and its showing no signs of easing off like it used to. I'm scared that this is going to be my life now. A constant fight to get by.

If anyone has any advice I'd greatly appreciate it. I need to do something because I cannot carry on like this.

Thanks for reading and sorry iv written such a long post xx

[Maya]

I can understand your condition because anyone who suffers MD knows how enticing it seems and the thought or decision to simply stop it seems both terrible and unapproachable. But we all know that at least something is wrong about it as we are not 'totally' happy.

I am,definitely, lesser experienced than you in DD but I hope that my suggestion may help you a bit. Earlier, when I was kid I always DDd in 3rd person .The main characters were adults who had adventures in the places which don't exist on earth. But for last 2-3 years I have myself, actually an ideal version of myself has replaced the main character and I try to make my DD more realistic. I see as it is my sure beautiful future. Even this is also not perfectly fine because in DDing my future I have lost my present's precious moments which now I think I could have used in other activities which also make me happy.

But now everything is okay and I feel that MD is under my control. Instead of a disease, it has become my tool to be happy. I no more hate myself DDing. Now I think that life has different aspects- one is the 'real' one and other is in my fantasy. And I make myself believe that both are absolutely beautiful (anyone who has decided this in his own mind will find it soon). A balance between the aspects is essential. This should be finalized by conscious thinking. So the solution is to try to make both the aspects 'one'. This would surely make real life more interesting. What I do is that I start MDing ,accepting that it is a gift (as it makes me happy) and not a curse, then I  think why I am just living it in my thoughts , I deserve it in real life, so then I start planning consciously that how can I reach that state and do all everyday activities with the hope that I am going to my dreamlife in this way.

I have read many self help books and I am extremely religious (Hindu) and I think that has also helped me much.

[charm]

so sorry your MD has gotten this out of control but thankyou for sharing. I feel like this is where I am headed if I dont do something to stop it now. I just wish I could spend all day day dreaming, I find myself becomming bitter at my responsiblities and obligations because they get in the way of my day dreaming. I make up so many excuses every day to avoid people because I would rather spend that time day dreaming. And when ever I get invited somewhere or someone wants to socialise the first thing I think is "I dont want to do it! thats two hours off of day dreaming!!"

My "life" has become an inconvience to my happiness. 

Thats not healthy.

I wish I had the answer for you but if I had the answer I wouldnt be in this mess myself. I am also like you in that I feel like Im not depressed. How can I be depressed when I spend so many hours a day happy? but I guess we need to look at it this way. How much of our time  in the real world are we happy? Maybe MD is our solution to depression? and it works! it works so well it becomes our addiction, our solution to every problem we have in life.

But its not solving the problems, its just covering them up. Im not saying we need to stop day dreaming all together but we definatly need to learn how to be happy in our every day lifes and enjoy real interaction.

I think you should talk to your thearipist about your day dreams, I understand how you feel about wanting to keep it private. I have never ever told anyone mine either and I would feel the same way as you do if a therapist wanted to know. But maybe you can decide what information you can share and share that, and then at your next appointment you may feel you can give a little more detail. It might help for them to know what sort of things you day dream about because it could be a key to what is missing in your life.

Also I think you should force yourself to live more in the real world. You listed some problems in your life that have been caused by this disorder, I would suggest you come up with solutions for each of these problems and force yourself to work on them. For example, you no longer work much. Well make it your goal to find a few more hours of work. I also like to make lists of things I want to accomplish in the real world and work on trying to do them. Once I have done that activity I can tick it off my list. Not all of them are as enjoyable as I thought they would be but at least I know I achieved them and it helps me to find new hobbies and meet new people. Maybe you could try something like that.

I hope things start looking up for you soon. Let us know how you go.

Keep looking at the positive

 

[Aquarius]

Nicola, two things
1) You need to continue therapy for the overdose attempt- I can see you specifically avoided mentioning the 'term' so I'm not going to either.

2)The DDing part is separate, you need to look at it as a symptom of a underlying problem. True, MDD is not always a symptom, but in your case it seems like it.
It's like the more you feel you cannot control the circumstances of your life, the more you MDD. It's making you a recluse, because each of us here know, that MDDland is where we feel secure and in control. The outside world is just so much harder and unpredictable.

The silver lining in your story is that you seem to have a supportive family. And that your therapist was interested in knowing what you daydream about.

If you cant tell anyone what you daydream of, well, this forum right here is where you can share it. Trust me, we ALL have DDed really a variety of stuff. This is why this forum works- noone here is a freak, we just redefine what 'normal' is.

Best of luck. Hang in there girl! you can beat this.