What Fantasies can't give

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm pushing 40. I never had a real steady relationship with anyone. Every bonding lasted seconds or half a minute. I have asperger syndrome, so I struggle with communication, facial/body expression and social interaction, always have. I never had much of a social life. As much as my insides crave it, I couldn't find anyone who cared a dime, once observing me from the outside. To be frank, I hardly talk so much, and I come off as dead pan. People really press on the fact that I don't LISTEN. Also I don't TALK. As though it's absolutely disgusting. I also struggle to react and acknowledge fast enough, which makes people call my name infuriatingly. Thinking I'm off somewhere in outer space. Another thing, I think out loud, but to most, I might as well be talking to an imaginary friend. 

I feel as if my life is going by without having the experiences that any normal person would want. I still don't understand why someone with such good looks, talent, creativity, and intelligence, would have a terrible time finding friends and relationships—and come across as a weirdy, who seems like she's in another galaxy most times. I'm wondering if I chased the wrong crowds and leagues. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough, and they are out there where I'm not searching. What I'm afraid of is spending my whole life wondering. 

Are my dreams making up for things that I just can't see and experience?