I quit maladaptive daydreaming in my late twenties and it took me five years to transform. Now in 2020, I feel like a completely different person. At first, I was appalled at myself for doing MD and understood why everybody found me crazy. But then people saw how horrified or lost I appeared as it dawned on me what it is that I've done. Whatever was going on in my head, it always bled through my face. Nowadays I feel more relaxed and casual after learning so much, so my body language and expressions have normalized. 

I realized during when I did MD, it was hard for me to become attuned to my surrounding environment and other people's emotions. I couldn't read or perceive why a person got so offset when I behaved a certain way around them. I was extremely quiet as well, but it didn't click that I looked very dumb and unfriendly to others, which is why I was not making any friends and building relationships. So gossip flared and my name was spread around in a mantra, but still it was beyond me what it all meant. 

Still, I do have Asperger syndrome and that's hard to conceal. Even though I'm no longer excessively daydreaming, people can still tell that I struggle to interact with them. As I don't talk so much and have trouble listening to and absorbing information. So new people often get pissed and shout at me, or even feel sorry for me, as it seems I'm missing out on social opportunities. 

I also believed that I was cooked for being an Aspy, because finding a partner can be close to impossible and it takes faith for us to enter a relationship with someone. Whenever people do meet me, they began to get that hunch I'm alone in the world. That's not totally true, I do have my family, neighbours, my close friends and am part of a community. 

To several others, it looked like I was living on another planet. I couldn't seem to get with it and clue into what was going on around me. One night, my dad berated me on the curiously bare marks on my report card, blamed it on my weird silence, and warned me that I was going to be poor if I didn't shape up and get good grades, so I can be accepted by a University. I was so busy living in the "Land of Jessica" that I was still quite immature to get it. 

Eventually, I began to face the harsh consequences down a tough 16 year road into adulthood. I did go to College, started an art program, but switched myself to a program that was challenging for me, instead of taking a look at better career options. I did land contract roles in my field, but got laid off every time, because they didn't find me creative, fast and professional—even driven. So I returned to usual fine arts (drawing and painting), even thought it won't pay my bills.

My mom discovered my MD in 2010, and went frantic, feeling I'll never have a life for myself, nor stay in a job for long. That I should stick to my art. No surprise, at a lanyard production job, my employer says the very same thing. 

So I'm making due with summer freelancing and creative courses this fall. I'm trying to stay positive and look at the bright side of things. Hopefully I will meet a mutual friend whose male and we'll eventually develop a relationship. Someone who shares things in common with me, I guess. 

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