Sixteen Years on Pause

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Some things are not made to be. I expected to travel, meet people, try new experiences, and get out there. Many people my age has done this. Regards, I scratch my head, as I never went there after all. I was intending to make this happen, but something got in the way and I was very discouraged. Also, I didn't seem to be all grown up...and I daydreamed excessively. 

The summer I completed college, I hoped to either do a start-up or work for a company, travel a bit, and eventually have a family. Apparently, my mom caught wind of my daydreaming disorder, when I came home from an interview at a local restaurant. My dad called that he was flying home after a business trip, but I irrationally didn't pass the phone to my mom, who was out gardening. She found this very strange and wondered if I was on a different planet. She then wondered how I can properly live my life, if this is what I DO. 

Well, the next 16 years were wasted. I didn't travel or run anything, and had trouble maintaining employment, and I was always at home—"kept on a short leash." Everybody else has done what I should've been doing, so I'm jealous of them. Overall, I didn't ever achieve my goals and prospects. Even my mom thought I would've had a better life if I wasn't constantly taking a trip to Pluto.

Eventually, this has occurred to other people in my classes, at work, in family get-togethers, friend hangouts and anywhere. I look back and realize that I did have a problem, and should've sought therapy for this if I wanted to live better. 

I notice there were an insufficient trace of relationships and social connections, and I didn't seriously get into commitment with a single person. I'm 40 now, and very single, trying to make ends meet, and planning on returning to college this fall. I'm still young and have decades to experience what I should've in my 20's and 30's.