Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
I spent my life facing problems with social interaction. I've always wanted to get close to somebody and have a meaningful relationship with them, but that never happened. I've always repelled people away with my inability to express myself verbally aloud. They found me very boring and stupid, even hostile. Funny enough, I've had so many problems connecting with people, and this constantly made relationships extremely difficult for me. I grew up being made of, for appearing so very lonely and almost never hanging out with friends my own age. It was very abusive at moments too. I suffered from PTSD when I became an adult, but eventually healed and got over it.
I'm not the MDD'er I used to by a long shot. I actually feel like I made a regrettable mistake. Reason I even started MDD is because I wanted to escape the bores of my reality, but also because I could not fit in. At first, the daydreaming made me feel very happy, so I used to laugh at inappropriate moments. I was just a kid, so I had no idea how creepy and unsettling this was to others. So this only brought on more bullying.
Eventually, I got so hooked that my daydreams turned into alternative worlds. I didn't realize that my lack of communication was getting worse, because I getting sucked into my fantasies, instead of pulling my attention back to the real world around me. So, I started to get way too quiet, and this greatly effected my dating and relationship life—which was brilliant.
As I got older, there were more responsibilities, such as getting good grades so I can make it into a privileged university. I was failing my exams, because I didn't pay attention in class and study hard, so my grades slipped into bare passes. One night, my dad saw my report card and blew in my face very angrily, because I was so quiet and he didn't hear a squat from me. He even warned me that I might be poor some day, but I didn't listen carefully and take in mind, or even cared, because I was just so busy living in dream worlds.
I began losing my attention on external events and grew deaf on people's words. Others began to notice this and overreacted so bad in a way I can still remember it today. I had trouble reading people's emotions very well, so I couldn't detect the body language, signs, and verbal cues at every corner. I didn't realize people were trying to tell me something that would be valuable to my future. In spite this, I graduated with a high school diploma and got accepted into an Art and Design college.
Going out into the world at age 18 was exciting, and I felt a sense of adventure. I attended college and explored a variety of creative subjects, but struggled, as I found practicing design to be very challenging. Deans at the college warned me it will take faith to pursue a career in graphic design, and that I should focus on fine arts, but again, I didn't listen to a word they said. In spite of this, I successfully earned my BA in graphic design and thrived to get a job in a design agency.
Although, it was very hard to find a decent job in-house, I eventually got my first job at a print shop. However, my dreamworlds were so thick, and this clouded over any instruction being spoken to me and my critical thinking skills seemed vacant, so they terminated me in five weeks. I got another job in a print production company shortly after, but I had performance difficulties and found it hard to concentrate, so they let me go in two weeks.
The nightmare was starting to begin. I went to a thousand interviews all over the big city and in the boonies. I jumped from contract to contract, year by year. Employers were complaining that I wasn't thinking like a designer, was so unorganized and my keyboard shortcuts needed improvement, or else I won't survive in the industry. I tried to run my own business, but I wasn't very good at it. Meanwhile, my dad was constantly pushing and prodding me to earn my independence so he can retire.
My mom was picking up signs that I was living on another planet. She kept on hearing me rant on to myself, giggle at nothing, spend minutes staring into space and make weird faces. We began to have fits and arguments, and she reputedly didn't find me fit to work.
Life began to feel so lonely. I had no friends around and rarely ever socialized. I was underemployed, lived at home and couldn't afford my bills. Find better work was just tough. I wanted a romantic partner so badly, but was in such rough shape, it was hard to attract others. In fact, many found me rather sad or unhappy about something.
Regardless, my head feels so strange, as I hardly kept it in great condition in 9 years, it tends to throb with aches and pains, feel very soft, and very tired. I spent years sitting around waiting for a relationship to happen, and I mean hours in the day, wanting to just be with someone special to me, instead of focusing on me and what's good for my health, brain and wellbeing. I've had maladaptive daydreams that were saturated of love and sex with fictional characters to fill the void of not having a relationship in real life.
Now I wish that I didn't start MDD, as it didn't make my life any better, but put me into a predicament. Presently, I'm so embarrassed that I deserve the results and wonder if there is a second chance.