New here . . .

[Chasity Dodd]

Hi everyone,

Um, totally surreal that there's actually a name for this. I think I actually cried last night when I found out there was a name for what I've experienced for so long and thought made me a complete freak. I guess mine started in childhood . . . like most of you, it seems. I even used to allow my friends into my inner fantasy world . . . they grew out of it and I didn't. I guess from what I've read, I consider my case pretty severe. The dd is nearly constant and right now I'm going through a particularly bad patch where nothing is getting done. It's definitely effected my life in a bad way. I am very, very isolated and I don't think I relate to people right. I am in my dream world so frequently that I have these weird moments of clarity where the reality of the real world just overwhelms me and everything is extremely vivid and solid. I live my life in much of a fog . . . I have trouble going to my college classes because I can't sit in a seat that long and concentrate . . . I've lost jobs because I couldn't pull myself together in time for work. I'm a very active daydreamer; that is, I move a lot when I'm doing it. I pace the room and move my arms and move objects between my hands. For hours. I do it so much, my legs cramp from the pacing. I bet I walk miles a day in my bedroom. I can't sleep without dd, usually a calming one, more emotion than action. I literally fall asleep while in my dream world. 

I actually screwed up my courage about a year ago to talk to my therapist about what I was experiencing. She brushed me off big time and didn't seem to want to pursue it even though it was clearly disturbing me and affecting my life. Thinking of trying again with a new therapist now that I have a name for it and some articles to bring with me to back me up. I can't tell my family about it because they reacted badly even when I was diagnosed with depression even though it is far better understood than MD.

Music is a huge, huge trigger for me. It helps me transition to dd though it isn't necessary. Driving is also a trigger which is a bit of a problem and I was actually in a severe accident last year because I had slipped into a dd. Luckily, the other person wasn't hurt for which I am very grateful. I try to only drive short distances now and focus and never, ever turn the radio on. I hate going to stores and stuff because when I slip into dd I have a very strange cadence to my walk.

I really want to stop but . . . I don't know. It's hard to let go of, you know? This may sound stupid, but it saved my life. I experienced some fairly severe trauma when I was a kid and I think if it hadn't been for this escape, I might not be here today. I'm afraid to get rid of it. Like I'd just be empty.

So . . . Yeah, that's me. This is the first time I've talked about it at all. It's kind of weird to see the whole situation down on a computer screen. Sorry this is kind of long.