Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
Hello, I’m new here, but I’ve been reading this forum for a while now. I am so relieved to know that I’m not the only one who has this issue, & that there may be a name for what I’m going through. I’d like to give you all some background about me, I’ll try to keep it short.
I’m in my early 20’s, female, & a lesbian. When I was 14 I began using drugs, by the time I was 17, I was an addict & suffering with depression. At the time I was mostly snorting ketamine (which is a dissociative drug - for people who do not know what that means - Dissociatives are a class of hallucinogen which reduce or block signals to the conscious mind from other parts of the brain.) I would snort ketamine every couple of hours everyday, sometimes I’d also drink full bottles of cough syrup mixed with 20 -30 cough medicine capsules (which also produces dissociation), & the occasional cocaine binges. Eventually, I attempted suicide, & was forced to get sober. I’m sharing this with you because it was after sobering up that my day dreaming became worse. I have always day dreamt, but it never became an issue until I sobered up. I’m convinced the abuse of dissociate drugs played a role.
I feel like this is my new addiction. I feel like day dreaming prevents me from truly feeling free & happy, but I do NOT what to give it up, the thought of stopping makes me feel even more depressed, as if it's the only sanctuary I have left. I do know that I need to stop & get back to reality. I feel repressed, & I’ve become a loner.
I often find myself talking out loud, while day dreaming, sometimes I get really excited & I’ll stand up suddenly & pace the room back & forth without even realizing. If my day dream is sad, I sometimes cry & feel anxiety. I can not fall asleep without day dreaming. Often I forget that I’m only dreaming, & that it isn’t my real life. I have quick moments of "snapping" back to reality.
Now, let me tell you about what I dream about… Often I am playing myself (but a “better” version of myself, someone I’d like to be) My dreams usually revolve a relationship I am in. However, I don’t just dream about happy things, sometimes I dream up horrible situations. For example, in my day dreams I may be physically assaulted, raped, kidnapped, stabbed, performing self-harm on myself, (or my fake-girlfriend experiences these things). I often pretend I’m also the star of a reality show & the whole world is watching me go through these things. In fact, even when I'm not necessarily having a vivid fantasy I always pretend there are cameras watching me, it's almost always a constant feeling in my day to day life. I have no idea why I day dream about these scary things, I don’t want any of those things to happen to myself in real life, or someone I love. It scares me. I feel like most people dream about fun things, like being a rock star or something, why do I dream like this?
Also, I should note that my day dreams are normally always the same story, it’s like a continuing soap opera in my head, that picks up where I last left it.
I’m a very sensitive person, I cry at the smallest little things. I have been told multiple times that I need to toughen up. I wonder if I’m still depressed, I don’t really know. When I was suicidal, I felt it, but now I feel nothing. I can't even tell if I’m depressed or bored.
I really needed to get that off my chest because I’ve never told a single soul before.
It helps to be able to express your thoughts and feelings. Glad to have you here.
I have battled addiction also. I believe you will find daydreaming easier to manage than other issues that you have dealt with.
Hi Kay! Sounds like you've had it tough. We have a few things in common. Like to chat to you some more, privately if you like? Feel free to send me a message. Take care hey. xo