March 2012

[Lightman]

So February was different... Not like I planned, lots of crying at my therapist, new insights and plans... I have never in my life been this honest with anyone, and it freaks me out! I have this recurring nightmare that I've had since childhood, in the dream I'm falling from a great height into icy dark water. I always jerk awake seconds before I hit the water. There is no logical explanation for why i have this dream. But the fact that I do, makes me really afraid of the combo. So the last time Elizabeth and I went to the pool we made a stop at their highest diving platform (7m up) in order for me to conquer this fear. I did jump, twice but in no way did I conquer the fear. Actually I think it made it worse. 
 Every time I give up one of my heavily guarded secrets it feels like I'm back on that wretched platform. Heart pounding, knees shaking, shutting of my brain, forcing myself to take a tiny step into nothingness and waiting for the impact. 
Each session is one hour, it leaves me empty and raw... It is the  reason for my absence and lack of posting here. I miss it, and I miss you! I just can't post anything about the mess in my head right now... 
Rox great job and happy birthdays :) Sasi, 30day shred, going strong- wow! I'm really proud of you ladies :) Jules welcome aboard! Elizabeth how are you? As for me, march started with a makeover, new hairstyle and new makeup, summer plans are set! Booked two glorious weeks in NYC visiting friends. Finally a small yet crucial puzzle piece in merging dd with my real self. I'm my DDs my character owns a gorgeous sexy red silk kimono. In real life I have a pink fleece robe, very comfy but also very hard to to look sensual or dangerous  in... So when my parents went to Shanghai this past week on some business and asked if I wanted anything I jumped at the opportunity. I gave them general guidelines and boy did they deliver :) they went to "silk king" a tailor and silk store (popular with head of states) and got a bright red, patterned with peacocks and cherry blossom, stunning, way way to expensive, silk kimono that surpasses anything I had in my DDs! I love it, because they picked it out for me, it's origin intrigues and inspires me. But most of all because I see myself in it. Wearing it while kissing my future husband goodbye in the morning, wearing it while rocking our baby to sleep, sitting in it and going over my dissertation in bed ... It holds such promise of a future where I'm living my dreams, the leading lady of my life! 

[sasi]

I think we are all hitting some stumbling blocks at the moment.I'm having dd problems with that old problem of finding out info I don't want to know and also just getting way too absorbed in dd land.Ironically my real life is going so well at the moment.The annoying side effect of dd mood is that my eating has become really unhealthy recently and my body and the scales are not happy.It's been a short term enough problem that I can fix it but I'm feeling lower(and flabbier) than I have in ages at the moment.

I think that we have to look at are 2012 journey as just that..a journey.It's going to have ups and downs.I feel that I have gone through so many major life changes in the last 2 years I really need to reassess so many things.Many of the things in life that used to make me happy just don't work anymore.I need to think about what things I do want to do rather that feeling like a rabbit in headlights and doing nothing(then those overwhelming dd start...)instead.

[Jules]

Sorry I havent been keeping up with you guys. How's things? I haven't been doing too well lately. Really need to watch my amount of DDing and depression, which keeps me from being active and looking after myself. Which of course makes me sicker. It's amazing how much your view on life effects the body's health. Of course, sometimes outside stresses make things harder but...it all seems to come down to your reaction to it.

I've decided to work towards getting a place of my own. (Feels good to actually have a goal). I need a bit of work (money) to do it. I'm on a pension but may need a little extra. So I'm in the process of finding a part-time job. A special organisation is helping me find suitable work. So I can be kind to my body, but also do something I enjoy. Just because you have cancer doesnt mean your life has to stop. In fact, it can't. It doesn't. And employers hopefully will understand my situation. I will try to give it all I've got! (:

To be honest though, the hardest thing is my depression. And often unwillingness to keep fighting on. But today is an ok day. I will fight today and tomorrow can take care of itself.

Well this is me. Take care all! Hope all is well. xo

[roxanne]

Jules, it is so nice to hear from you again; you always inspire me.  

Are you waiting for a bone-marrow transplant, or did I remember that wrong?  If so, how is that going?  I would be such a wreck - I am a nervous wreck going for a test today - so I'm impressed how you carry on.  

You mentioned that you had talked to your therapist about your DD character & she/he was quite willing to take it seriously.  Both you & Light have been very brave in that regard.  I would be afraid they would trivialize it - it is pretty superficial in my case - &/or try to get me to stop.  

Good for you for setting a goal that could possibly transform your life for the better.  I think I remember that your home environment was not pleasant - lots of fighting?  

My faith, friends & fantasies have kept me reasonably sane.  I hope the same for you.  

[Jules]

Hey Roxanne, yeah WAITING is the right word. I am actually waiting until the risk of transplant is the same as risk of disease. If you can understand that. Both can be dangerous. At the moment I am infection free and doing pretty well.

Thanks for listening to me! xoxoxoxo Most the time I don't like to talk about it, so you must be a special person. Nice to be back and chatting to you.

And about talking with therapist about DD's, it's my last session with her unfortunately next week. We haven't covered that much, because I've got so much other stuff too. Anyhow, I'm hoping my new Psych may help me there. At least with my self worth and depression: motivation to live my life.

I hope your tests go ok today. Nothing worse than waiting around for tests and results. However, I have to tell you this awesome story. At the hospital the other week, there was an old man (about in his 80s) playing his harmonica. He was an in-patient and just sitting there in his wheel chair enjoying his playing - like the rest of us! He brought a smile to everyone who heard & saw him. Really changed the atmosphere of the place. (:  Then later he came into our waiting area. Chose a few people to play to, then afterwards wished them well and moved on. How inspriational! Good for him I say. :D

Thanks for the encouragement Roxanne. Talk soon. xo

[roxanne]

My tests were inconclusive, so I guess that's better than I feared.  They think it may have been a combination of things and gave me some stuff to speed recovery.  Or maybe nothing.  Or maybe something else altogether.  :-(

I love the story of the harmonica player.  

Get back later.

[Lightman]

March 23.

My high school graduation was the absolute low point in my life. I was an overweight, insecure, misfit, with bad grades and absolutely no friends. My self esteem was non-existent. Martial arts, changed everything. For the first time in a long time, I was doing something I was a good at. My reflexes, balance and instinct made me a natural. I lost weight, gained strength and learned to keep my head high. I met Elizabeth. We went to McDonalds after the Christmas Camp at our dojo. I couldn’t believe that someone like her, wanted to be friends with me. 2012 marks the 10 year anniversary of our friendship.

Things snowballed after that, I got my grades in order, got more friends, moved to a big city, went to uni... and somewhere in between, I retired my jujutsugi.

Emily Thorne continuous to inspire me. Watching her randori with Takeda, while sorting out her mind and regaining focus... It clicked. 

 This week was the first and second time in years that I jujutsu suited up again... A new dojo. A new Sensei. I’m going back to finish what I started.

Today’s therapy session was very good. My therapist recommended me to go back to short daily WM updates, because it keeps me on track. He did however stress the “short” part. Today summarized: Meetings, allergy vaccination, therapist visit, dinner with E (Indian food).

 He also said to me: “The moment is right now, get out of your comfort zone. What are you so afraid of? Losing control? Getting hurt? Failing? Giving up? Trust me you are a born survivor. You can handle it.” I needed to hear this.

 Rox, hope you are feeling better. Your tests coming back clean is good news :D

 Jules, wow, I had no idea... I admire your strength and courage, you are a fighter!

[Lightman]

March 24. 

Went trail running with my dad in the morning, followed by lunch... Tried oysters for the first time ever and loved it! Made swedish onion and potato soup for dinner with apple pie with my mom. Ok day, spent most of the day with my parents. I love spending time with my parents, it was a good day... but a horrible thought struck me- If I don't get it together and take actual action, this is what my life would be. Me alone, spending my weekends/holidays with my parents.  No spouse or kids. Possibly a pet and me sitting in the backseat listening to my parents bicker and spend the rest of my adult life feeling like a kid. When I was little I loved hot dogs, to this day whenever we are out my dad always asks me if I want a hot dog... My mom tells me to button up my coat... I really feel that they need grandkids to spoil! 

I just reread this post, and it could kinda be the beginning of a romcom... merging MD with real life me :) 

[Lightman]

March 25. Laundry and cleaning day. Today we switch to summertime in Sweden=losing a hour of the day... :(  there's so much I wanted to get done today that I haven't, but at least the laundry, cooking and cleaning is done. I also had a nice nap and a call from Danny. 

[Jules]

Sorry Roxanne that your tests didnt show anything...how frustrating. I understand that very well. Doctors often say "I dont know" to me. And its awful. Hope you find peace about it somehow. (:

Thanks for sharing Lightman! I was just thinking it is really nice to come here and talk with you guys, just about life. I'm on my own a lot and get lonely. I get what you're saying about like being with parents, but worried that this is going to be it. I don't have a spouse or kids. Just turned 36 last month - yikes. My Grandparents are awesome! I love being with them. My Grandma is hilarious and always makes me laugh. (: And they have the most precious relationship. Wish I could be like them. I guess that's how my DDing started - wanting to be like another. Why can't I just appreciate what I've been given?????? I'm working on it.

We (in Melbourne) are about to go back an hour in time also, for our winter. We go forward for summer and it's just about over....freezing today! Talk again soon. Thanks for being here. xo

[Lightman]

March 26. Efficient day :) I'm going away for the easter  holiday so I got started on my packing, folded the last of the laundry, cleaned some clutter and made a salad for dinner. Last night I slept poorly, got to bed late, spent too long time reading a too exciting book and once I got to sleep just kept waking up. So today I was grumpy and tired, however I did lock my office door and napped for 20min on my lunch break... I need to work on my sleep! A good goal for me is to be in bed at 9:30 on work days, and no technology or books after 9:50pm! Maybe I should do some sort of meditation or relaxation...  I had a conference call at the end of the day and spent it power walking in the woods (1,5hours ). I love technology! 
Rox- I'm confused, wasn't your test results good news? Are you feeling better? Jules- Melbourne sounds great :) you are really lucky to have your grandparents close by! 

[sasi]

I can't believe we are near the end of March already.

Lightman-sounds like your rocky start to the month is levelling out now and you have survived nicely.I'm with you on the plan of earlier to bed on a work night.I always have this great plan to be asleep by 10pm but it's often nearer midnight.With a 6am start its just not enough sleep.I might join you in that one as an April plan.Are you going anywhere nice for the Easter hols?It will be so good to have a break.

Roxanne-I hope you are starting to feel a bit better.At least no more horrible tests to dread.

Jules-your grandparents sound lovely and I'm glad that being on this site makes you feel less lonely.Sometimes we need to feel uncomfortable in some way to make up start to change.I love Australia-I've never been to Melbourne before though.Just hearing you were from Oz brought back lots of very happy memories for me so thanks.

As for me March has brought some great moments and some downright scary ones.Looks like I have a few years of upheaval ahead so now's the time to harness that positive energy and get myself in physical and mental shape to get through them.Physically I'm doing well.Still doing my Jillian Michaels exercise dvd every day and really noticing the results.eating up and down but overall managing to stop those unhealthy periods before they get out of control.Mentally each day is different.DD been a source of comfort and distress at various times.At least real life has become so in my face that there's no way to get sucked too far into dd.

[Lightman]

March 27. Ok day at work, we had CPR training in the morning with dummies... It was nothing like the Office's CPR training, haha. Nobody tried to harvest the dummy's organs! But we did learn how to use a automatic defibrillator. That was cool and a lot easier than expected. I finished my packing, cleaned out my fridge and went to jujutsu practice.  During the warm up I pulled something in my thigh and had to leave early. So I went home and comfort dd for a few hours(=getting to bed very late and the reason for why this is posted the day after...). 

I'm spending 10days in the Middle East visiting family and friends. 
The activity plan for the holiday is: Spend quality time with my loved ones, present in the moment and not zoned out in dd. Work on my reading/writing skills in the native language, revise my "black book" (a leather bound black journal, with all the stuff/exercises we go over in therapy) and get started with yoga. I've been planning to do this for years and haven't gotten around to it. So I've booked a local yoga instructor and gotten books! 
Sasi- I don't know if you also feel like the day hasn't enough hours? Very impressed with you JM routine! It sounds like you have a lot going on I your life... And some though challenges ahead... My therapist talks a lot about seeing life as a river, when the waters are calm it's the time to strengthen the ship! That is exactly what you are doing- building strength and focus!