Lesson Learned

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I was a young woman full of vigour, hopes, and visions, but I was too elated and excited for my very own good, in a sense. Life was starting out, but I wasn't very mature and responsible towards it—I was kind of acting like a moron, who thought she had all the answers, and it didn't matter what I did, everything evolved around "Jessica." Like I lived in my own land, and life was just clapping and singing with me. In a way, I was also a big fool, and was self-assured my future would be happy and amazing, and I'd see exactly what I expected. I was a maladaptive daydreamer at the time, and didn't realize if I really wanted my future to be happy and amazing, I had to work really hard for it—and I cannot daydream to do that. I think that I lived in a fairy world at the time. People caught sight of me in the midst of daydreaming and wondered if I was Ok, even shouted at me, but I was complacent, and didn't see to care. 

Years later, I look back at 21, all the doors of opportunities that I closed on, because I was so discouraged and afraid of them, and I wanted to go and live in my own worlds. Well, today at 40, I am not a happy person, I deal with a lot of shit from people, never achieved my goals, was never successful in the career I attempted to pursue, and don't even feel like a real adult. Problem is that I didn't "go for it," I just passively backed away, and time just fled by. 

Now I have to start over, I'm planning on returning to school and taking something I'm comfortable at, and hope I finally find the career I do enjoy, and even find myself a partner, and buy my first place to live.