Is it possible that MD has caused me to become an isolated person?

[Marla Singer]

I've MD'd for as long as I can remember, i've always stood out as being 'weird'  and socially awkward, as ive grown older my awkwardness seems to have intensified, i have also MD'd increasingly more and more overtime.  A few years ago i had loads of friends but it seems as time goes by i feel increasingly more awkward and disinterested in people. As a result of this i now hardly have any friends..infact i consider myself not to have any 'real' friends who i can trust. i find it almost impossible to form new relationships and feel really uncomfortable around people to the point where i can hardly make any eye contact. i'm nearly 20 and i've never been in a relationship, i feel like such a freak and am so alone, i dont trust anyone, not even my family..who i also feel awkward around. I used to be a really happy person social person but in the last few years ive become depressed and hardly feel any emotion except for when i take drugs, or am MDing ; as soon as i stop MDing i feel empty. ive noticed that when i manage to withhold (with great difficulty) from MDing for a few days i feel alot less socially awkward but i being to feel more depressed so i always end up giving in and start MDing again. My life is really sad at the moment and i dont think things will ever get better, all the problems seem to stem from MD and social awkwardness: i've started university and ive hardly made any friends, i take drugs alot and only really socialise when i am doing so. i spend nearly all my time MDing or sleeping, i cant pay attention in my classes because im MDing and am gettin really bad grades.i spend alot of my time alone in my room in the dark. One of the only times i feel emotions like a normal person and asthough i am actually a part of reality is when i take drugs. The thing i want most in the world is to stop MDing but i can't because i get more depressed when i do so, i've told my doctor about MD a couple of times but he wasnt interested and didnt help me. i feel like its ruining and controlling my entire life but i cant stop because of the way it makes me feel and i dont have anyone to talk to for help. I put the blame for my awkwardness on MD, but is it actually possible that MD is actually the cause? I feel so lame posting something like this but i don't know where else to turn for answers