I make faces when I daydream

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Sometimes at the dinner table, my mom serves food, but she notices that my eyes close or I smile for no apparent reason, and she throws a curt remark. My mind is not quite there, for a split second, so I make faces. Usually I grin, because the story is sassy or intriguing. But, I don't know I'm doing it, only everyone else can see what goes on with my face. So, the person will be like, "You were staring at me and laughing." I wouldn't have any idea what they're talking about...because the moment was for five seconds. 

My family isn't the first, I've had formative school peers that saw my face, and immediately wonder what's so funny, and most of them didn't want to be my friend, because it looks so very strange. Most people in the norm are usually interactive, exuberant and outspoken, so they find me really weird. They don't understand why I sit there all quietly, and seemingly act like I'm somewhere else. But then, they laugh at me for appearing like a "loner" and wonder if I have friends, or even a man. 

I think that I made everyone a little too uncomfortable. My bad. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I quit MD 5 year ago, and still find me doing that. It's the very reason my mom freaks out bad and thinks I won't make it out there, without being kicked out for appearing like a nutcase. I find myself trying to restrain my old weird habits that started by MD. My family still sees and hear things from me. It's super hard with this pandemic and everybody telling us to stay home. When your trying to change your life over, and make yourself a better person. 

[Melanie]

Ariane, you read my mind. I have that same paralyzing fear that it's inevitable I'll get crazier and crazier until I die alone. With that in mind, I'm trying my best not to sabotage myself and create some self-fulfilling prophecy. With a lot of hard work, it's possible for us to change our fate. I have to believe that. 

Ariane said:

I can relate a lot to this. The fact that I do this also always led me to the belief that I will end up as an old person who talks out loud to herself and makes conversation with imaginary people in her retirement home, lol. Feels like this is my unavoidable end.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I notice that I go do something, but someone will give specific instructions, and it won't enter my head. Then they get very angry and think I'm deaf. They also get angry if I don't speak up much. I wonder if these are aspects that impacted any potential relationships. Even my best friend can get overreactive. 

When I was a kid, it never would've occurred to me the harsh cold reality of bonding with people. I used to think relationships happened with a touch of a magic wand. Man, was I dead wrong.

[Melanie]

I feel that! That same thing happens to me every day. Someone will be telling me instructions or asking me to do something and I'm not hearing a word they say because my head is somewhere else, and then they get irritated with me. It's something I need to work on. 

As an MDer in recovery, I get so mad about how difficult relationships are. People frustrate me so much! But only because I'm used to my daydream characters. It'll take a while to accept the reality of things.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It makes me feel frustrated, but whenever I'm around others, they treat me like I'm from another planet. They ask me why I do things my way, instead of typically their way, and they think I'm really weird. They don't treat me like a person and they get all critical on me like nobody's business. They'll shout at me loudly, mimic my gestures and facial expressions, maybe jump on the fact I'm somewhere else. They might think I'm being a jerk or an idiot (or just nuts). I never know who likes me and who doesn't. 

When I was a kid, grown ups were nicer and easier on me. It was only the kids I had to worry about. Now that I'm an adult, I'm dealing with bigger fish now. And it's so hair raising. 

I realized that I can't hide daydreaming for shit. I'll never be caught dead. I might as well drop it cold turkey. I think people catch it easily, because I happen to have social disorder. 

By the way, what is your career? I'm a struggling graphic designer. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Sometimes I want my family to know how I feel. Instead of shouting it to them, I shout at my imaginary characters. Outside, I sound like I'm hissing and yelling at myself. My sister is usually nearby in the bathroom, and she sticks her head out to ask, "Are you Ok, Jess?" 

If I want to make myself feel better, I imagine a funny moment, and it makes me laugh out loud or make a grinning face, but others will turn and think I'm nuts, because it looks like I'm laughing inappropriately. And they'll snort "What's so funny?"

Sometimes, my imagination will make me get quiet, and others will assume I'm thinking, or I'm bored and don't like being around them. Other times they rudely assume I'm a ginormous virgin whose never been in a relationship. If they don't think I'm a bitch with an attitude. 

If I tell them how I feel and they're taking me all wrong, then they won't take me seriously or wave it off, saying "That's not my problem. Good luck winning people over. Snooze you lose. Learn to talk."

My MD has always made me feel better during my real life situations, but it doesn't bring me friends. You DO have to work hard to convince people otherwise. That is a struggle I faced all my life. 

[Theaxe]

A long time ago I was walking from the mall to go home. Later on at work, one of my co-workers said to me, "I saw you walking from the mall today...you were really smiling..." I was mortified. I knew exactly why, and remember exactly what I was daydreaming about while I walked. I was embarrassed. How do you explain that to someone?

My recent daydreaming plots involve a lot of emotion, so when I go designate some "alone time" from my husband, I'll put on some music (headphones, of course), and begin my nightly soap-opera in my head. Lately, because it's been so full of moments that are sad and happy, I'll start crying real tears.

My husband caught me crying, and even though he knows I MD, I still hate admitting it. All I could say was that I heard a beautiful song and it made me cry. (Not something so out of character as I'm a Highly Sensitive Person.)

Just today I was smiling in the kitchen while daydreaming, and my husband saw me. He said nothing. If I'm ever caught, I usually just fib about it, saying I was thinking of something funny that he said - anything to cover it up.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah, after College I stayed home longer, due to unemployment. And every morning I'd eat breakfast and mom has a fad with discussing the latest CNN politics. But she'd keep on stopping to look at me, to see if I'm listening, even cock her head or wave a hand to make sure I'm awake and there. Other times, when the TV isn't on, she'd come down, but suddenly get judgemental, because I'm sitting all frozen on a stool holding a piece of toast and staring into space. I even remember she served my a hot dog for dinner, but I suddenly laughed with a smile, and she got all uncomfortable, grimaced and suggested psychiatry. 

[Khryssy]

I can understand and relate to this. I too make faces , laugh, cry and show emotion when I am daydreaming. I get embarrassed because it happens alot and mainly around family and my boyfriend and they point it out. I hate when they do that because it makes me uncomfortable because they dont realize I'm struggling with something metally. And the way they point it out is like as if its like I'M bugging out or s a joke. I am 29 and have been dealing with it since I can remember.  I just want to get it under control because it does effect my life. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

MD made me feel happy at one time. Now it scares the shit out of me. I did it for so long and it actually did quite a bit of damage. I still laugh and mutter things, but I know for certain it's not normal. 

Melanie said:

I feel that! That same thing happens to me every day. Someone will be telling me instructions or asking me to do something and I'm not hearing a word they say because my head is somewhere else, and then they get irritated with me. It's something I need to work on. 

As an MDer in recovery, I get so mad about how difficult relationships are. People frustrate me so much! But only because I'm used to my daydream characters. It'll take a while to accept the reality of things.

[Theaxe]

I have uttered things to myself. I feel like a schmuck if I'm ever caught. Over the years, I've pretty much taught myself how to keep that part of me in-check, but the odd time, my daydream lines will erupt out of my mouth when I have something important to say. 

Cades said:

I've been told that I talk to myself and make faces as well.  But more like mumbling and usually they can't understand what I'm saying.  Is this normal too?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This may sound sad, but if I got a problem and I want to let it out, I tell my imaginary friends and it sounds like I'm arguing with myself. So my family is always asking what the exorcist sounds and banters are about. I wish that I can tell my family how I feel, but I've been quiet around them for so long, so there's no saying how they'll react. They stopped taking me so seriously, because I don't talk that much. My mom found out years ago that I do MD, and she was very mad about it. She even lost her faith in me and our relationship changed. So if I get myself in deep trouble around work or even in general, she just blames me for it. My dad is the only person in my life who is sticking out for me and supporting my backside. 

I remember a while back in school I lost opportunities to make friends because I was extremely quiet and laughed for nothing. I must've looked so strange on the outside, because all my peers treated me like I was super contagious. I look back and realize I started a daydreaming disorder in junior high. They also pitied me because I was the only student with no friends around me. You can only picture what the experience was like. My name was a familiar mantra for four years. But you know, teenagers. Go figure. 

Then there was the real world. I thought I picked the right career, only to find out 10 years later, I may have took the wrong path. Dad claims that I am a designer, when really I'm not great. I got laid off in several contracts, due to lack of satisfaction with performance and analytical skills. And I wish that I picked something more suitable that will make me feel happy and comfortable. My dad thinks all because he's an architect, I will follow in his foot steps as a designer. But I'll never be as good as he is. I hate to blurt the news and dismay him like that. Reason I picked design in the first place was a fast decision, really.