I make faces when I daydream

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Sometimes at the dinner table, my mom serves food, but she notices that my eyes close or I smile for no apparent reason, and she throws a curt remark. My mind is not quite there, for a split second, so I make faces. Usually I grin, because the story is sassy or intriguing. But, I don't know I'm doing it, only everyone else can see what goes on with my face. So, the person will be like, "You were staring at me and laughing." I wouldn't have any idea what they're talking about...because the moment was for five seconds. 

My family isn't the first, I've had formative school peers that saw my face, and immediately wonder what's so funny, and most of them didn't want to be my friend, because it looks so very strange. Most people in the norm are usually interactive, exuberant and outspoken, so they find me really weird. They don't understand why I sit there all quietly, and seemingly act like I'm somewhere else. But then, they laugh at me for appearing like a "loner" and wonder if I have friends, or even a man. 

I think that I made everyone a little too uncomfortable. My bad. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I find it hard to hide the fact I'm a daydreamer. I couldn't get caught dead. It was all around. First thing people notice is my listening problems and how often I daze off. My family brings this up all the time. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Sometimes I think, no matter what I do and try to hide it, people just know by looking at my face that I'm daydreaming. They all tend to read my eyes, which tend to have a fixed blank 'staring' look in them. I stopped
MDD since I was 30, but still catch myself dream regularly. To this day, my family can still catch me laughing at inappropriate moments and talking to myself. 

I once believed MDD was assuring me that better things will happen in my future, when really it screwed me over. Moral of the story, if you want something, go work for it or speak up. Friends and success don't come out of dreams. 

[Meghan]

I do the same thing as you! I can't control my facial expressions, or even talking out aloud without realizing it sometimes (while daydreaming, I call it dreaming out loud). I just want to assure you, one day you will make friends who will understand. The world is a big place and there are people out there who will get you. I had no idea what was wrong with me until I was 30! Glad i found this place, it's nice knowing I am not alone.

[Jev S]

I can relate to this! I also speak alongside laughing and pulling faces. I also move and pace.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

yeah, I learned what MD is when I was 29. It all began when I was 12! 

Thing is when you do MD, you live in your head, and stop paying attention to the surrounding world around you. I remember in high school, all the students there ranted "Jessica Ballantyne" repeatedly, and I was always in a world somewhere else. So I didn't emotionally clue into why they were doing it. I realized later...MD made me so quiet and inattentive in class. So my classmates found me stupid, rude and abhorred. 

Even in my adulthood, it was very much the same. I dealt with all sorts of personalities who didn't understand what I was doing, and threw it at me. 

I'm sure I will meet people who will get it. However, I can be so quiet. It's the pandemic, so it's very hard to reach out.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think MD got started up, because I was frustrated that I couldn't fit in. I wasn't aware that I had Asperger Syndrome and this special, gifted, imagining mind. All people noticed that I was extremely quiet and wasn't
interactive. So MD covered for the fact I wasn't making friends and experiencing real relationships. It was like "the social life I never had." 

Even today, whenever I think aloud, my mind tricks me into believing I'm around people who are listening to me and buying what I'm saying. In real life, everybody behaves like I'm mumbling, and they can't hear me. 

[Meghan]

I pace and move too!

Jev S said:

I can relate to this! I also speak alongside laughing and pulling faces. I also move and pace.

[Meghan]

The pandemic has been rough for sure, isolation is intense.  I like to be around people, but need a lot of alone time after if that makes sense. I feel what you are saying. I've been called out so many times by family and others when I'm daydreaming, and called weird. I'm so sorry the other people treated you that way too! Bullies are the worst.  You are certainly aren't any of those things. People just always attack what they don't understand. 

Jessica Ballantyne said:

yeah, I learned what MD is when I was 29. It all began when I was 12! 

Thing is when you do MD, you live in your head, and stop paying attention to the surrounding world around you. I remember in high school, all the students there ranted "Jessica Ballantyne" repeatedly, and I was always in a world somewhere else. So I didn't emotionally clue into why they were doing it. I realized later...MD made me so quiet and inattentive in class. So my classmates found me stupid, rude and abhorred. 

Even in my adulthood, it was very much the same. I dealt with all sorts of personalities who didn't understand what I was doing, and threw it at me. 

I'm sure I will meet people who will get it. However, I can be so quiet. It's the pandemic, so it's very hard to reach out.

[Meghan]

That makes sense. I wonder if not fitting in and later social rejection is a common trigger for MD? I had a similar experience growing up, never really fit in, and had a terrible home life, but I've always made friends easily and am very talkative.The downside to this, is that I used to not be good at setting boundaries and got bullied/hurt plenty of times later in life by being overly trusting. I don't remember when my MD started. I've just always done it.

We are alike but different lol. Like two different sides of a coin.

Jessica Ballantyne said:

I think MD got started up, because I was frustrated that I couldn't fit in. I wasn't aware that I had Asperger Syndrome and this special, gifted, imagining mind. All people noticed that I was extremely quiet and wasn't
interactive. So MD covered for the fact I wasn't making friends and experiencing real relationships. It was like "the social life I never had." 

Even today, whenever I think aloud, my mind tricks me into believing I'm around people who are listening to me and buying what I'm saying. In real life, everybody behaves like I'm mumbling, and they can't hear me. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My sister is also a bully. A total bitch. She gives everybody, including my parents, a tough time. She's as sarcastic as hell. She's only 31, when really, she's a 75 year old crout. She's an old soul. And she definitely hates it when I well...daydream. 

Sorry, she kind of dissed me tonight, so I'm in a bad mood. 

[Melanie]

You're definitely not alone. I was also a lonely kid who got bullied in school and used daydreams to cope, and now I'm a lonely adult with severe MD. I'm so glad we can talk here and support each other. 

William said:

I've been living with MDD since age 6 or 7. I grew up an only child. Being lonely and having a vivid imagination, along with constantly being bullied because I was smaller than most kids my age; all of that led to me developing MDD.

I would fantasize about being able to fend off bullies with my martial arts skills (I don't know MA). From there my MDD got worse. I would conjure up make believe friends, girlfriends, and pretend that I was a musician, movie star or a super hero (spiderman).

As an adult and whenever I'm stressed I find myself resorting to MDD. After all these years, I thought I was the only person who had this condition! Wow! I don't feel so alone now?

[Ariane]

I can relate a lot to this. The fact that I do this also always led me to the belief that I will end up as an old person who talks out loud to herself and makes conversation with imaginary people in her retirement home, lol. Feels like this is my unavoidable end.