I hate it but it's a part of me

[Kris]

Hi. Hello. 

I'm new here and I don't really know what to expect from this.. Also English is not my first language, so if you find any mistakes in this text I'm really sorry. ♥

STORYTIME!

I had a little crisis about me having ADHD or some symptoms of schizophrenia about a few months ago. Then I found out about MD and my crisis was solved. Yeyy..

I wanted to know more about MD so I started to look for anything i could find - people's experiences with MD, online magazines about psychology - just anything (that's also how I ended up here but that's a different story). The more things I knew about MD the more I felt helpless. I started to think about it more than ever, reminding myself that I'm dreaming every time I felt home in "my world". I felt lonely and I still do thinking that the feeling of someone caring for me or hugging me is not real. Don't get me wrong, I have amazing friends who care for me and I would do anything for them but they're not with me all the time. And even when they are I sometimes feel the need to daydream like reality is not enough. 

I grew up playing role-play games with my friends and watching or reading fantasy and sci-fi stories. I took that with me to my dreams - all of them are stories from books/movies/shows and I'm most of the time in role of my favourite character. I'm acting them out when I'm alone in a my room, replaying scenes I like again and again and adding more every day. I can't live a day without role-play-dreaming or fall asleep without pretending to be someone else now. I hate it. I hate the feeling of realization that I'm alone, that I'm just me. But I also hate myself, so this is the only way for me to like me or my life in general. Also I really love all my "friends" and "worlds" and being part of them through my daydreams feels right. 

The worst part is, that I don't really know when or why I started daydreaming or when it started being this bad. I'm not living in an abusive household, nobody ever bullied me and I still found myself here somehow. I've read an interesting comment in other discusion here - that you have to solve the problems in your life that made you daydream and then you'll be actually ready to stop daydreaming. I felt that, I really did, but there's the problem that I don't know where to start. 

I'm kinda having a breakdown right now and needed to write this down. And I don't want to bother my friends again. So...yeah I'm here.

Maybe... Is there anyone who daydreams by acting too? I feel like an complete idiot every time I talk about this (it's not like I talk abou it much anyway but-) and it would help if I knew I'm not alone. Also if you have anything you wanna say or any advice for a complete moron like me I would be very grateful.

Thank you. ♥

[Deep blue]

I have always wondered why did I start daydreaming and what exactly caused it. Today I can analyse my thoughts and know why I am daydreaming now. But it's impossible to know what exactly happened that made me daydream as a child. Just like you I grew up in a totally normal family and had a normal school life, no abuse no bullying. Then why?

I too grew up watching fantasy shows and playing role-play games. There were no kids around my age in the area where I live. So I only had my brother to play with. And the thing is both of us saw the same tv shows and played  pretend games together. But I am sure he does not have MD. He is older than me. I am happy that he doesn't have it but that makes me think what made me have it. The only reason I can come up with is loneliness. As I said he was the only person around my age group whome I could play with. But when he was 11 or 12 yo he stopped playing with me. According to him he was a 'grown up' now and had no time to play with kids like me.

So when he would not play with me I started creating my own friends in my head who would be with me all the time. Everybody deals with loneliness in a different way. This was how I did it. But it's just a theory. And I think MD mostly happens to children with good imagination. 

At the point where you are right now, it's normal to not know what to do and where to start from. When I started this I did not even know what I was doing. I just got frustrated with MD. I got tired to see the disappointment in my parents and my eyes , and I knew I could have done much better without MD. I even got tired of regretting MD. I had no time to regret it anymore. Whatever happened, happened. I was at a point where either I stop MD or it destroys me. At that point I knew if I sit down and regret the years spent on MD, i'll get nothing. I knew if I give in to MD this time, i'll get nothing. So I had to stop. You need  a very strong reason to stop. You need to convince yourself why exactly you are stopping. 

The first problem I solved was dislike towards my real self. If I wanted to stop MD I needed to regain some control over my life. For that I needed to become my real self. And for that I first needed to stop hating my real self. 

Now I have said this a thousand times before in other blogs. But I will say it again : self love is the key of being comfortable in your own real skin. I say this but I never say how to. Because it is a veryyyyy long topic and I there is so much to write about it. But in short giving away all the beauty standards you've got and loving your body and soul the way it is, making peace with your past , forgiving yourself if you ever did something that you regret now.

But that doesn't mean you remain what you are. Change for better, no one is stopping you. But even for becoming the person you want to be, you need to get back to your real self. Because it's the starting point. First embody what you are right now and then guide yourself to what you want to be. 

When I accepted my real self I already became half of what I wanted to be. I have the confidence that I always wanted. Now I realise that you don't have to be perfect to feel confident, you just need to be comfortable in your own skin. 

Also I have a few things that I need to change about my real self. Like I want to be more hardworking and stop procrastinating over the phone. I'm trying to figure that out right now. But there are also a lot of things that I can't change about myself. Like the way I look. Now that's a genetic thing. If you don't like something change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude towards it. So I let go my beauty standard. Now I don't have to look a certain way to be considered beautiful. I am beautiful the way I am.

So that's how it goes. Sometimes change yourself ( your habits) for a better life and sometimes change your mindset towards life.

And please don't call yourself a moron. It was not your fault that you started MDing. We all did it unknowingly. Nobody would purposefully do something to ruin their life. It's high time now that we all forgive ourselves for being MDers.

[Kris]

Thank you so much for answering. 

I don't really know what I wanna say to you, I just wanted you to know that I'm really gratefull for your words. It almost made me cry, but in a good way. 

I was told I have to love myself multiple times and my friend is still trying to help me start. But I never truly started at the first place. I know I need to at least accept myself but... I guess I didn't have a good motivation. I didn't want to disappoint my friends so I always said that my selflove "is in process". Well, it wasn't.

What am I trying to say is that you gave me another reason to actually start trying. I want to stop daydreaming. I want to love myself. I wanna be better. 

It sounds almost stupid, but you really gave me hope that it's possible to start loving yourself. 

Thank you once more for your words, your time and for your kindness. It means a lot. ♥

[Deep blue]

You're most welcome! I am glad I could help you. 

Btw you are very lucky to have friends like that : )

Also a tip for you: At the end of every day try to write down in a diary atleast 2 good things which you did. It could be anything like a pending work which you finished, helping family members with work, doing something good for yourself or others. Doing this helps me feel good about myself maybe it will work for you too. 

Best of luck!

[Jessica C]

I act out my daydreams, sometimes.  I used to move about my home when I was alone as though I were one of my characters.  This was especially true for my RPG characters (yes, I play games, too).  These days I don't move about anymore.  I don't talk out loud, either.  But, my lips will move and I will sometimes gesture as I'm speaking though my characters (I'm rarely myself in my daydreams).  I'll laugh or cry because I feel what they feel.  I can't help that.

I don't hate my daydreams, but I do hate the effect they have on my ability to function.  It's a struggle these days to get things done.  I lose track of the days of the week and have to set alarms for everything from doing the dishes to taking a shower to going to bed.  Otherwise I'll daydream all day and night until exhaustion claims me.  It's consuming, yet I don't want to let go of any of it.

It helped me cope with all sorts of issues when I was younger.  Now it seems to be the cause of them.  Yet, I still can't give them up.  Go figure.