I constantly freeze

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I stopped being active with maladaptive daydreaming years back. I have crucial responsibilities, try to stay away and concentrate, but notice that I suddenly wonder off and my eyes go dazed for a minute or so. This happens when I'm chill and during an stress-free time. Family and friends have made remarks that I look like my mind is somewhere else. I'm not sure though, it's more like I zone out. I'm trying to seek employment, but so afraid that when I start a new gig, someone will notice my eyes! Maybe even my frozen state. Unless the job is remote. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I can talk, but it's how I talk. People think I'm being so serious. I tend to say obvious things with a blank look on my face. They tell me to smile and "you should've said it this way..." It's so embarrassing every time. It's like I'm dead pan and I don't even have an exciting voice. It sounds like a drawl. That only makes people think that I'm tired. As if I don't practice to stay sharp as a tack. Sad thing is I could've changed all this, if I hadn't daydreamed, and practiced socializing. I had years, and years, and years to think about this. But it hurts how nobody in the world could have a close bond with me...because my verbal skills just aren't good enough, or maybe they feel that I just don't talk. And then I want to get away from it all, by escaping to a better place that isn't real. I think I'm shocked this is my reality, and my daydreams are a comforting mechanism to suppress that harsh emotion. 

People are for real, and they'll make a real point. They're just trying to help you by stating a harsh fact in life. Even my family told me the truth of what they think is my struggle and why things are not working out. But I feel like absolutely everybody pushed off—all because of my gob. That is no dream, that's human nature. 

But what I want is to find a mirror soul person who doesn't do this. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Or maybe they felt like I didn't like them...

[Mina]

"People think I'm being so serious. I tend to say obvious things with a blank look "on my face"

yes i have that too .. and jokes too i don't get most of the jokes 

"I don't even have an exciting voice"

when i would talk sometimes i wouldn't look in the eyes i would look in random places when i talk to someone not from embarrassment i don't know how to describe it it's like this how my thought processes work  when i am telling my opinion is like my mind will enter to specific mode

People are for real, and they'll make a real point. They're just trying to help you by stating a harsh fact in life. Even my family told me the truth of what they think is my struggle and why things are not working out. But I feel like absolutely everybody pushed off—all because of my gob. That is no dream, that's human nature.

yes however it's not like there some kind of rule that people should react with it's dynamic there is no rule i admit i have problem but where is the reference line how the idea model look like i don't know beside i don't want to pickup bad behavior as a pattern or as good way to behave the processes of learning for me is difficult because i don't know what is the right thing and to be honest at least for now i don't think there is a right answer because at the end i don't do anything inappropriate to them  and some times people read between the lines at there own and they would misunderstood me and to be honest i don't like that if you have something say it to my face don't fill the blanks on your own

But what I want is to find a mirror soul person who doesn't do this.

i agree and that's what i think .. i think it's a compatibility thing

by the way i am not saying that i shouldn't work on my self but all i am saying that i think i am different  in a way and i shouldn't try to be like people what i am trying to do is just developing a good mask a good compatibility layer to use it in work or when i am dealing with people in general but i think the right answer is find people that like us and they exist because we exist too

[Jessica Ballantyne]

All my life, I had trouble reading emotions. I remember everybody's reactions towards me, and how they felt about my personal behavior around them. They even insinuated things and gave certain looks. I just didn't see this. I never realized my behavioural ways, even the most silent ones, were bothering them or pissing them off. Going forward 25 years, I now understand how I must've made them feel and think. Now that I stopped living in my head. I see that they found me socially abhorred, very weird, no manners, and unable to speak—not a normal social trait. They also found it hard to make out what I was saying. It was hard for me to explain myself, articulate things, and I kind of stuttered and rambled too fast, or mumbled things. All of this made relationships extremely difficult for me. I gave no social presence. I just looked like a very dumb and unfriendly looking person, who people quickly assumed had no friends. I even had trouble making eye contact, and my eyes would shoot in other paths. How I wanted to start daydreaming is that these very reasons was keeping me from obtaining long lasting relationships with others. They all got aggravated at the same thing. 

[Mina]

"How I wanted to start daydreaming is that these very reasons was keeping me from obtaining long lasting relationships with others"

i think that's although MD is a factor of course i think for my experience at least that my mind work different not necessarily stupid or smart just different i think i should work on that too but i think in some way i should embrace the different like i said i would try to make compatible layer  to learn how to say things in a way that people could understand but i would really love if i found someone who can understand me without using this compatibility  layer to go with him unhinged without having to do this  overhead management in my head

"articulate things, and I kind of stuttered and rambled too fast, or mumbled things"

yes i had somewhat funny experience in this regard i have a friend who can understand me to extend when i go unhinged specially in technical subject we was in a team in he was literally translating what i a messaging to the rest of the people because for some reason and i don't way although i did my best to make understandable they wouldn't understand me until he say it in more understandable manner and then they go ... AAAAAH that what you meant and me be like yah i said what he said .. :)

"They all got aggravated at the same thing."

what i am carious about if it's ok to ask ... does any of them confront you because to be honest that why i hate about human relationships people assume that you understand every hing and that there ethical model is the standard that's just not true

i don't want to start ranting because i have huge insecurities in this subject  :)

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I used to live in the past. I got over it, but it's like I didn't forgive, forget and accept what happened at first. I beat myself up too much. I didn't just let it go. 

When I was young, nobody knew what to make of me. They couldn't tell how smart I was, or who I was. I was a like this wall of silence. I pretended like nothing was wrong, and commenced with classes and activities. But everybody was gossiping about me and laughing at me. 

Problem is I didn't move on with it. I spent years hung up on my situation as a kid. I always wondered what they were thinking. What were they getting at, exactly. Did they like me one bit. Why did I bother them that much? 

More people did comment on me in the workplace, throughout college and into life. But nothing was being resolved. And I missed out on opportunities. 

Bottom line, I wish that I had more self-respect. I do now, but much time has passed. I just hope the future is better than what I faced before. 

[Mina]

yes i have hard time forgive myself too

this reply hit home very hard to be honest i am very angry on myself i should have done better than that i am trying to learn how to regulate my emotion better but for the time being i don't know how .. yet

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Now I'm cured. I learned my lessons. I understand what everyone was getting at. Thing is I need a lot of self improvement that I didn't do before. I did lose years to not understanding what I've done wrong, which is tough. My sister easily does things I never did in my 20's and 30's. But she doesn't have AS. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Nobody ever spoke English. Told me exactly what they thought of me, or explained how I looked. It was mean—they often made insinuations in a way they played head games with me. I could tell right off the bat. Real friends help their friends with their problems by describing what's emotionally wrong and giving examples. But I got literally manipulated, and depending on the person, sometimes their actions were quite sick. Shockingly, I could not tell what was going on around me, because I was innocent and I had no experience, and I didn't socialize. So I could tell who was a jerk. These people are in other parts living adult lives now. I've been jumping at shadows for some years. But I eventually got over this and now moving on. When I moved to this neighbourhood, I had faith that I can make good friends. I actually could've if I hadn't be so shy and quiet. I did make a very small group of friends. Point being, I wonder if these crowds I grew up around thought I was being abhorred intentionally. 

But there were teachers, co-workers, managers, customers, peers, people's parents, neighbour's etc. They reacted on me in a very certain way I wouldn't call positive. They had a lack of judgement towards me. Like I was the laugh of the place. 

Strangely enough, after I stopped being a student, and worked remotely at home, things got so quiet all of a sudden. I don't hear rude things from people anymore. I wonder if it's because at the time—I looked like a little kid at 19—now I'm 38. How many people are going to mess with a full grown adult like that? 

Maybe they simply didn't find me a social butterfly?

[Mina]

" I could tell right off the bat. Real friends help their friends with their problems by describing what's emotionally wrong and giving examples. But I got literally manipulated, and depending on the person"

i relate to that and that's why i don't consider people who wasn't upfront with me my friends is like you said have more  self respect to myself

but i am glad you're moving one i am trying to do that like yukia said past is past but sometimes my mind just don't like the idea i think it need practice

"Strangely enough, after I stopped being a student, and worked remotely at home, things got so quiet all of a sudden. I don't hear rude things from people anymore. I wonder if it's because at the time"

sometimes i think people who have MD me included is younger in their mind that there real age

because we haven't our fair share of socializing so we are not mature socially to extend

"I looked like a little kid at 19—now I'm 38. How many people are going to mess with a full grown adult like that? Maybe they simply didn't find me a social butterfly?"

of course people would make a certain assumption regard the person age

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think that's why I don't sound and reason with things to my age level. Even my younger sister sounds mature socially, because she's out there, and knows what goes on in other parts. She makes me feel so ignorant. She found out about my MD ways, and she thinks I'm really weird. I can't say that I'm surprised. 

Another thing, I learned that the only way to find new friends is to get out of my comfort zone. I just stayed at home all the time, on my computer. My sister actually knows how to get out at night and socialize with people. She plays Dungeons and Dragons, eats out with someone. I could too, but I just don't want to. I honestly am not a night hawk. I prefer to watch TV and read my blogs. 

But I am a daytime person and enjoy doing things when there is light outside. I'm hoping to get flexible and try new things every weekend. 

[Mina]

"I think that's why I don't sound and reason with things to my age level. Even my younger sister sounds mature socially, because she's out there, and knows what goes on in other parts. She makes me feel so ignorant. She found out about my MD ways, and she thinks I'm really weird. I can't say that I'm surprised. "

exactly the same sometimes i feel that i have multiple personalities some time i could be very mature and sometimes be like a kid depend on the situation

"Another thing, I learned that the only way to find new friends is to get out of my comfort zone. I just stayed at home all the time, on my computer. My sister actually knows how to get out at night and socialize with people. She plays Dungeons and Dragons, eats out with someone. I could too, but I just don't want to. I honestly am not a night hawk. I prefer to watch TV and read my blogs. "

my brother exactly the same for me i stay at home but to be honest for me even when i go with my friends ... i don't know what to say it's just not my cup of tea don't is it because my MD or it's just i want different people different subjects but i feel exhausted after i get home after any social event it's very tiring activity for me