I can't get out of my Mding habit ,and it's driven me to multiple failed suicide attempts ,i need some support people

Hello Everyone,

First of all I'd like to say thank to this owner of this website ,it is indeed a very brave and positive step that you have taken to give us Mder's us a chance to know that were not alone and help each other, thankyou very much.

Iam a chronic Md'er.Ive been doing it since I really don't even remember and Iam 28 now.I use my hand and pace around while I do it.

My problem is that I have lost myself .The outside world - the world of  "Normal" i.e people doesn't interest me ,infact it causes anxiety if I try to participate in it and I can't escape it.

The other thing is that I've turned into ,I hate to say it but a kind of monster - I hate my Md and at the same time I love it .I have become a slave to it , even if I dont do it it's always on my mind and when I really feel istimulated and want to do it but dont i have quite a sharp pain between my temples (Idont know what that is)

I have become self seeking and selfish and I realize this and dislike myself for it.I feel like an outcast and Iam openly discussing this here because I feel that all of you that might read will not judge me and understand and probably even offer me some tips , some respite for me to be at peace.

I've read many posts and articles in which they say that MD is like and addiction and I can totally relate to it .I know something about addicitons and am dissapointed to know that I have many traits of addicts of any type , namely  Self centerdness , self seeking behaviour , anxiety , fear , guilt , jealously SELF PITY ,anger .

Am I the only one here to to feel like this ?????

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I feel exactly the same. Have you tried seeing a psychiatrist? I've heard of a few people have successfully given up with medication. Don't give up hope! Try everything! If you feel this way, what do you have to loose?

Hello Sarah and Marla ,Thank you for replying.

Yes Sarah you have guessed right , I do belong to a Muslim household ,however I participate in this community as someone who suffers from this malady . I viewed the video that you posted and it is food for thought ,though I find it difficult to concentrate and and relate even though I try best to focus ; it's as if the words only hit my ears.

Maybe Iam too far advanced , though the struggle is on .So thankyou :)

I totally agree that MD is no life ,and about the suicide attempts , well that was just something stupid I did when I was younger ,it's not an option for me anymore ,peace or no peace.

Ive tried mindfullness with serious dedication but have repeatedly failed to continue it , I have even gone as far as to pay and learn the famous Trancedental Meditation ,but unforunately that too did not avail me.

@Marla , Yes ive been in therapy for atleast ten years but Shrinks i think are yet to learn what MD is all about and how they can help , in short they didn't help me .About medications ,well Ive  been prescribed almost every drug on the market since I was eighteen but nothing has helped me.

I APOLOGIZE  to post such a Depressing reply to your posts ,but I preferred to stick with the facts as they are .

Dear Sarah !

Uff it was such a relief  to know that you speak Urdu . I just felt a burden being lifted off my chest , a feeling that finally finally I might have found someone who trusts me when I say I suffer from MD ,someone familiar.

Let me ask you a few things ; Are you from Pakistan (as in currently residing) ,if so maybe we can have a more direct conversation maybe on the Phone or Skype , of course you being comfortable with that .

In anycase I'm glad .

You have suggested and commented on many things and various possibilities ,which makes me believe that you too have experienced a fair share of this alternate reality.

The two interconnected things that you mentioned about meeting different people and about working my profession make good sense to me and as a matter of fact I do try very hard to keep up with these two things .It's difficult but I try hard.

Acha another thing is that I don't indulge in MD ,infact I hate it and am disgusted with it , and it takes up alot of my energy making it very difficult to interact with the outer (Real) world ,because unconsciously my mind is struggling all the time to suppress MD.This also one reason why I don't find solace in religion .I pray five times a day ,pray to Him but the distraction is overwhelming ,maybe some day He will lead me out of this plight .

Sarah you said that this is not something wrong with the brain but just a habit ,but I think that biology is involved somewhere ,but at the same time like you I also think that's it's just a habit ,something like biting your nails. 

Whatever it may be we need to cope . 

In the end I would like to say to you that Im very humbled that you have given me special attention like a brother in need ,it means very much to me .

Thankyou for your Valuable advice Sarah :) .

Well I think ke asar iss liye nahi hita mujhe kyoonke " Iman " kee kamzori hai  . 

Absolutely not, Moshin, You are not alone when it comes to the addiction. I am here for support because I am going through the same thing as well but I believe that there's hope!

motchkay@gmail.com

sarah anderson said:

aik toh jb b we recite this surah we don't think of the translation. 2ndly we don't PONDER... i think you should try some of the basic lectures on Islam... ummm jo log zada sochtay hain na unay yeh MD problem ne hota. My brother ponders a lot and he is more than normal . on the other hand i was opposite to him .... but then over the passage of time he forced me to think about life , studies, daily experiences , society , religion etc etc ... and as soon as i started thinking more about real things i started feeling life and there is less MD ... KEEP UP WITH THE PRAYERS ... aur i don't know wether you face difficulties in ur job or so ... i hope things would get better over the passage of time ... oh aik aur baaat , remember death daily . this helps a person stay in reality more than before ... i got a few good books and lectures . if you inbox me your email id i can mail you those ... baki , ALLAH apki problem jaldi hul krday . ameen =)

Hi, Mohsin!

First I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I can perfectly understand this love/hate relationship, when I daydream I am very happy. But when I realized I've spent hours doing it and it's not real I hate myself for doing it.
I use to pace a lot while doing it and I don't know why. Actually, I don't realize when I start doing that until I interrupt my dream.

And I haven't got pain between the temples, but a feeling that something is pushing me there. I guess it is because of the effort it takes to daydream. I don't know what happens to you, but I got headaches and that feeling like pressure un my head after daydreaming, and I got exhausted.

I used to have anxiety participating with people like you say. But I realized that it was not because I daydreamed, but vice versa. I daydreamed because I had anxiety participating in the real world. Somehow, when you daydream everything is perfect, you cannot possible fail at doing something. I remember there were many things I would like to have done, but I didn't take the chance because I was scared of making mistakes and people would notice that.

Today I'm very proud because I have controlled  my MD, it was not easy but I'll tell you how I did it. I hope it helps you.

1. I identify the triggers. For example, music was probably the strongest trigger. I delete ALL the music I had. I waited until my iPod was out of battery and then hide it somewhere hard to reach (My basement). I cut my headphones so I had to buy another one if I wanted to daydream. I tried to make it as hard as possible to keep music away. 

2. I used the locked my self in the bathroom to daydream, because I didn't want anybody to see me. I find hard to daydream in public because I make face expressions while doing it. So I tried to let always my bedrooms door open, that way I wouldn't try to daydream.

3. I got something to distract me, reading, watching TV, cooking and studying hard. I started studying with a friend (She doesn't know suffered MD). It worked like this: I had to prepare a topic for the exam at home and the next day I had to explain it to her. She had to do the same but with a different topic. That kept me busy of daydreaming because I knew I had to prepare the topic, otherwise I'd had to explain her the next day why I didn't make it.

I did this, for like a month. It was hard, sometimes I felt very tempted to daydream. But I had a lot to do and didn't have time to go look for my iPod, buy headphones and get my music again. After a month I got used to spend my day doing other things. And now (After almost 2 months) I am able to listen to music without daydreaming (Some music, there were a kind that made just my imagination fly, I still don't hear that). I have much more time, I spend more time with my friends and family and I'm happier :)

I would probably be daydreaming instead of writing this, if I didn't try so hard. 
And another thing I've learned is that you don't need to be anxious about sharing with other people (Yeah, it's really easy to say it!), but think that there is always going to be someone who shares you're situation and thoughts. If you wouldn't judge them, they probably wouldn't judge you either :)

Good luck!

allright will do ,thx

sarah anderson said:

mohsin check in your email inbox ...

Just Me ,

Your reply really hit home , Your MD is in many ways similar to mine  ,I will reply and talk to you in greater detail soon .

Thank you for responding .

Just Me said:

Hi, Mohsin!

First I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I can perfectly understand this love/hate relationship, when I daydream I am very happy. But when I realized I've spent hours doing it and it's not real I hate myself for doing it.
I use to pace a lot while doing it and I don't know why. Actually, I don't realize when I start doing that until I interrupt my dream.

And I haven't got pain between the temples, but a feeling that something is pushing me there. I guess it is because of the effort it takes to daydream. I don't know what happens to you, but I got headaches and that feeling like pressure un my head after daydreaming, and I got exhausted.

I used to have anxiety participating with people like you say. But I realized that it was not because I daydreamed, but vice versa. I daydreamed because I had anxiety participating in the real world. Somehow, when you daydream everything is perfect, you cannot possible fail at doing something. I remember there were many things I would like to have done, but I didn't take the chance because I was scared of making mistakes and people would notice that.

Today I'm very proud because I have controlled  my MD, it was not easy but I'll tell you how I did it. I hope it helps you.

1. I identify the triggers. For example, music was probably the strongest trigger. I delete ALL the music I had. I waited until my iPod was out of battery and then hide it somewhere hard to reach (My basement). I cut my headphones so I had to buy another one if I wanted to daydream. I tried to make it as hard as possible to keep music away. 

2. I used the locked my self in the bathroom to daydream, because I didn't want anybody to see me. I find hard to daydream in public because I make face expressions while doing it. So I tried to let always my bedrooms door open, that way I wouldn't try to daydream.

3. I got something to distract me, reading, watching TV, cooking and studying hard. I started studying with a friend (She doesn't know suffered MD). It worked like this: I had to prepare a topic for the exam at home and the next day I had to explain it to her. She had to do the same but with a different topic. That kept me busy of daydreaming because I knew I had to prepare the topic, otherwise I'd had to explain her the next day why I didn't make it.

I did this, for like a month. It was hard, sometimes I felt very tempted to daydream. But I had a lot to do and didn't have time to go look for my iPod, buy headphones and get my music again. After a month I got used to spend my day doing other things. And now (After almost 2 months) I am able to listen to music without daydreaming (Some music, there were a kind that made just my imagination fly, I still don't hear that). I have much more time, I spend more time with my friends and family and I'm happier :)

I would probably be daydreaming instead of writing this, if I didn't try so hard. 
And another thing I've learned is that you don't need to be anxious about sharing with other people (Yeah, it's really easy to say it!), but think that there is always going to be someone who shares you're situation and thoughts. If you wouldn't judge them, they probably wouldn't judge you either :)

Good luck!

i wonder... ye problem har urdu-speaking muslim ke saath hota hai kya? :P

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