Hiding my MD

[HowToKillADragon]

I try to hide my MD as much as possible. I feel very embarrassed of people seeing me when I'm daydreaming because I will make facial expressions and talk to myself. Sometimes people catch me doing it and give me really weird looks, like "what's your problem?". I get very self conscious about it. It really frustrates me that it's so much out of my control. I feel embarrassed, lonely and powerless because of it.

When I daydream I will almost see double - the real world in front of my and my daydream creeping into my vision. I can see both at once and it's very disconcerting for me. Someone could be talking to me and I do everything I can to focus on what they are saying and still there's a daydream competing for my attention.

It's so hard to carry this silently without anyone around me knowing what's going on in my head. I always wonder what they would really think of me if I were to tell them. I always assume that they would judge me and distance themselves from me. 

I told a good friend of mine and she was shocked with what I shared. Something that happens to me often is that the daydreams take over my sight and I almost "blackout". I can't see or hear anything except what's in the daydream. I guess it's like dissociation, but I don't really know. I told my friend about a time that I was waiting to cross the street and I didn't notice when the light changed because I was in a daydream. She was shocked and a little worried because she thought it was dangerous that I couldn't see around me. My therapist had a similar reaction when I told her. The funny thing is, I didn't even think it was odd because it's been happening for most of my life.

If my therapist is put off by it, how are other people supposed to understand? I feel very alone carrying this. It helps that some people in my life know, but I wish I could just turn to the person next to me and say "sorry I missed that, I was daydreaming" without it being a big deal. 

I'm so relieved I found this forum because it's so nice to know that I'm not the only one who is dealing with this. I didn't even know what MD was until recently. I spent most of my life thinking I was the only person in the world who was like this and that I was just weird and broken somehow. 

I want to quit so I don't have to hide it anymore.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I had the exact same issues as you being a daydreamer for a majority of my life. Apparently I have only one friend and she lives in another country. She still doesn't know my shocking secret. I broke up with another girl, and she never found out I was an MD'er, but she always wondered where I really was when she was talking, because she could see my eyes stare into blank space, and wondered if I was listening to her. I have a sister and mother who both feel I live on Pluto most times, and they wonder if I could be crazy. Everybody I've ever met just didn't understand, wondered where my head was, and shouted at me to fucking wake up and pay attention (and found me bat-shit strange). I can only guess, because we all have lives, and vitally know better not to do this. If they had my mind, I'm sure they would've had a panic attack. I can tell, if I'm not with them and didn't catch everything in the present moment—they gawp with scared eyes and screech at me to stop being somewhere else, or look at me like I'm being lame and stupid, or smile fake and steer away slowly, going "tssh."

When I was a young adult, daydreaming filled me life with beauty and happiness that wasn't real, starting as a preteen. Thing is in the midst of being in a dream, I noticed people would catch me and bring up that they know what I must be doing, and asked if I'm OK. Others would yell, "Are you here?!"

To make matters more unsettling, when my mind got preoccupied with dreams, my eyes would accidentally stare at people and gaze all over the room, ceiling, and floor. People have caught wind of this and mimicked what I looked like, and a lot of girls got so offended at my creepy stares that they'd scream at me to stop. My sister puts a pillow or a hood over her face when she sits at the couch in front of the TV, while I sit at the dining table, not even conscious of what I'm doing!

I've honestly had a very, very small social life, and spent my life not being well-favoured by people. In my fantasy life I'm a beloved, friended, and desired woman. Obviously, MD looks a thousand times better than our real lives. I think it's sad that I never know how I'm making people feel for them to detest me like that. 









 

[Martino]

Hello, same goes for me, I got basically the same issues, with DD creeping and mixing on what I see in real life, sometimes I even blackout too and make silly faces; my girlfriend sometimes scolds me when I'm with her with friends and do those things.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I've always wanted a boyfriend, never had one, and I wonder how he will take my daydreaming ways. Everybody else had a problem with it. I think the mix between my Aspergers and MD makes them think I'm weird and feel so uncomfortable to hang around me. I've had friends, but our bondings didn't last, and they moved on. I'm getting to be an older adult now, so it's harder than ever to find new friends, because I don't work onsite, and I'm out of school. I have to be involved in evening and weekend programs, because I'm not a social butterfly. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Thing is that I don't think I know how I make others feel with my behavior—apparently. I unintentionally come off as abhorred, rude, spiteful, or hostile. When really I could be miles away in my head, and not thinking of the next person—not giving them a friendly smile, nice conversation or any acknowledgement that they are even there. Then they don't like me, and think I'm some bitch. Pardon my crass statement, it can happen. 

I'll spend hours doing my own thing—reading, painting, writing, watching channels—and someone will find me too quiet and not interested in anyone else. I've lost tonnes of opportunities for relationships and friends that way. I've even had others assume I have no social life. It just cuts deep. I wish that I learned sooner than later.

[Martino]

Mmm... Have you never tried to search for some meeting groups with people with some similar "issues" to yours? I'm no expert at all, otherwise I would have solved in some way my issues, but maybe meeting people with similar ones to yours could help a little...

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah, I should be meeting people who I can relate to very well. I haven't got around to this, because I had my nose in applications, trying to find employment, it's a full-time job to get noticed by anyone. I do hang out with my sister and cousin on weekends sometimes. I should really be meeting new faces as well, but I haven't taken the effort to attend social get-togethers, because I happen to be introvert, and prefer my own company. 

[Martino]

Weel, I kind know how it feels since I also have the tendency to be in my own world and not relate with anyone, it happens when I'm in huge company; when I'm alone btw and friends and other people that I know approach me I always keep myself focused on talk and chat about various kind of things, is my own way to not isolate myself in my own mind and, in a certain way, to mask and/or fight my issues.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Real life will not look like what you dreamed about, not even close. I had so many expectations since I was a kid. I believed I'd have a career by now, I'd travel, and experience a few relationships. Thing is that I didn't really make sure it happened—I have asperger syndrome and ADHD, which disabled me through life. I struggle to attune myself to surrounding environments and objects, like I sort of have derealization. Plus I'm not approachable or very interactive, so people think I don't like them, and I'm being unfriendly on purpose. I struggle with my verbal skills, and people tend to suddenly mimic me, because I look ridiculous. 
I do tend to land opportunities when they finally come, but then I find myself arguing with my mom, because she fears they'll catch a hold of my communication disorder, performance difficulties and lack of people skills, which just discourages me. 
And YES. She does feel like I'm in my own world, and not conscious of worldly events going on around me. Others felt this way too. 
I am starting to change, and realize it's not about me at all, of course. The hard part is getting into the new saddle of more world perception, and how people want me to treat them, and behave around them. I grew up with development stalls in learning about the world, because I spent too much time in my head. I suppose this effected many aspects of my life, since I didn't get far in my adulthood. 

Point being, I didn't grow up properly to get better life experiences down the road—probably because I dreamed. That's what caught my mom off guard. Moral is don't dream too much. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Having Asperger syndrome, I have trouble being liked. Some people think I'm a loser. I have no social skills, so they assume I have no friends. They are not surprised that I'm pained, and my family sees too. I don't know how I effect people with my behavior. I want to be liked—but it's frustrating, because not everybody reacts well at first glance. I think it's because I'm not interactive, and they have no time and energy in their lives to understand me better. So that leaves me on the curb.