Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
I daydreamed since I was a kid, and I believed in them until I was 35. Reality hit me hard, like a brick. I realize now that my fantasies were bogus, and I should've payed attention to my real waking life every single day. It's kind of late—my family already knows and lots of other people noticed too. I just feel like a total idiot, right now. There's no going back to undo what I did, except to learn my lesson and get on with it. It majorly effected my whole life, including my career and relationships. I feel as though my 'daydreams' did the damage. I'm very afraid too—because I'm a mature woman who should act like one and set responsibilities, which it seems I fail to do. I feel so mortified and ashamed this is the person I grew up to be. There are people in my life who are disappointed in me as well.
I don't get how anybody gets by and survives getting so immersed and locked in their dreams, no offence. I certainly can't.
Yes, I used to put people into my fantasies, and convince myself they can sound like the nice version of themselves in my head. You have no idea how embarrassed I've felt, realizing that's anything but the case. Especially, when they act on me in real life like I'm too weird and have problems—in response to when I happen to be living an MD life. It's so topsy turvy.
According to relationships, Yes, they were effected. When I did MD, I was very very quiet. While I was a daydreamer, I believed that I could find a partner. What I didn't realize is that daydream repels relationships. People get fitty and disgruntled if you're not listening and talking to them. Everybody turned their backs on me when I got this way. So I feel that I shot myself in the foot. If I simply spoke to others, and interacted with them properly, I would've had the chance to experience a relationship at all levels. So I feel like an idiot that I wasted all those years just to daydream all I want. But I didn't experience anything for real, so what was I doing exactly??? Basically, I missed out on years of opportunities that I could've enjoyed better, if only I got out of my head.
Their responses were curt and abrupt, or asked if I was quite OK and they made a face. I've even had some people yell so hard at me...erk. Yeah..they will all be like, "Where's your head??!!
My mom thinks I live on another planet. MD used to feel so wonderful and make me happy as a kid. This did not last—and I payed the price as an adult who now has cares in the world.
To add insult to injury, I cannot hide MD for the life of me. People do notice that I'm not "here" just by see how deaf and absent minded I am.
Freaky yet, after quitting and controlling MD, I'm still trying to find ways to earn my independence and learn to survive. If I hadn't been living in other worlds—my life probably would've looked different or better today.
I notice my health has changed, when I'm only in my 30's. I'm no so sharp as I used to be, and it takes longer to process information. Tonight, I was eating dinner with my parents, and I barely heard a word they said. I swear if I was meeting new people as of now, they wouldn't be happy with my behaviour. They would've found me aloof and in need of a hearing aide. Plus, I have so much to learn...I notice it's effected my growth and development.
What strikes me is that when people easily get things, have a social circle, marry and have a family relatively young, thrive in a career—it bugs me that they don't think of a fairytale. It's all just there, and they didn't prey for it. They just know what to do.
**They must think I'm nuts** but they don't understand what it's like to just never see things yourself.
I get jealous of them, actually.
I must be honest, I can never get rid of my daydreaming completely. I was born to be a dreamer. I don't see people much, day by day. I work remotely at home, only going out with close relatives. I do have crushes on famous people. Whenever I see a blockbuster hit, my heart melts for a character. I use the actor's overall appearance as a role model for a partner I want to meet up the road. I'm perfectly aware that my future mate will look nothing like the characters I crush on in my head. I wonder if that's why its taking me such a long time to find him. I won't let go of that obsession, but I really hope that I do.
When my mom worked as a sales associate at a mall, she met my dad, but she didn't think much of him, as he worked in another department. He just seemed like a guy she's just seen. They eventually started dating. My point is that love does take patience and testing. You should just go and get to know this person without doing the fantasies. My mom's head has always been grounded to Earth, she never wanders, she likes to pay attention to what goes on around her, and she's interested in people. LOL if she had my mental health—god knows, I probably wouldn't have been born.
My dad would've walked on by, and she'd have seen other Joes. Whatever.
My lesson is to go with the flow, and pay attention to whose there, and talk to them. Don't imagine stuff about them that isn't true. I'll just make a big fool out of myself.
What bothers me is that I used to stare into the distance yearning for the ideal romantic relationship, in my youth, before I wisened up to realize this does absolutely nothing...
Problem is that people disputedly found me a person who can't interact and communicate with them and make good eye contact. I do happen to have Asperger syndrome.
I often think my maladaptive daydreams were a coping mechanism for missing out on something that is no big deal to most who can certainly get a relationship with anyone they want.
When you think about it, that really sucks.
I wonder if I made myself up to look 'crazy' or nonsensical, and it steered others away.
What frustrates me, after I slowed down or quit MD. It sort of left a mark. If anybody important in you life finds out, you're so screwed, especially if they're not easy. For instance, my mom eventually caught me doing MD. Twelve years later the contradiction got so outdated and has no meaning today. Yet, she still remarks that I live in another dimension. Like she's some sort of a spy. This alone has been detrimental to any opportunity that came my way. I'm not only saying my daydreaming, but the fact my family knows it. My mom constantly warns me, whenever I get a new job offer, that they'll kick me to the curb, if they come across my "evil secret." That's one factor as to why being independent is hard to envision in my life. It's all 'cause I just wanted to dream since I was a small kid. Crazy, right? Some people are so over the top and unforgiving. I'm away many would consider this a mental health scare, but really? A harmless bunch of daydreams?? Even my kid sisters tells me beware of non-family if they'll catch me with waxed ears, looking dazed, and giggling out of the blue. For god's sakes, I live in Canada—not Russia—don't have a cow. Why does everybody take everything in life so gravely these days?
It's just ironic MD gave me hope of a happy and promising future. I once thought that I can do anything if I believed in myself. Unfortunately, adulthood changes everything. There is a real world you have to suck up to. I'm stunned at how naive I was in my 20's.
I've always been a woman of her own world. I didn't look outside of myself towards the world out there. It makes me feel really embarrassed. Like I was so self-absorbed. And nobody bought me. Everyone thought I was weird. That's probably why I'm all alone.