Half Here, Half Elsewhere

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I used to be an MD'er, but I decided to suppress this—but I'm still a drifter. I try so hard to listen to other people's conversations, or I act like I do, but still, they wonder if I'm even listening to them. I have this fixed dazed look in my eyes—but that's because I live a solicitous life, sitting at my computer all day. I noticed all morning long, someone I know was waving her hand in the air several times, to see if she can get my attention and make sure I was listening. I'm trying to stay with it, but it's not that simple, because I'm more interested in my personal thoughts, interests, and escapes than real life, obviously. 

I always wanted relationships—I dreamed of it in my youth, but I never experienced any, and if I really had been in a relationship, the partner would've noticed all this too, and reacted the same damn way, bringing up their concerns, wondering if I need to see a specialist, or even worse, break up with me. 
I've always wanted to meet someone who could understand me way better, but had no success—everybody I've ever met felt the same way, and pulled apart from me. 

So I'm thinking, if I really want to be with someone, I have to suppress MD entirely—or hide it. Also, I wish that I never started the shit *pardon my french*. It greatly effected my life and how people see me, especially my family and civilians. Just because something you do makes you feel so happy, doesn't mean it helps you out in the long run, and if you've been doing this for years, it's tattooed on my skin, even after you've tried to quit. Eventually it sticks in other people's minds that you are initially that daydreamer that doesn't really listen to them.