Chronic invisibility

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel like a fucking first-class idiot, maybe more-so. I've spent many years looming around places, or just sitting there, staring off into space into an unseen world—thinking hard and deep about the things I want. But I never got off my butt and did something about it...or even told people how I feel. I was so very quiet and introverted, and it's like I went unnoticed or unheard. Also, I've had people notice that I was daydreaming, and wondered if I was really OK n' stuff. Even if I showed people what is evidently on my mind, some probably would've agreed, and other people still wouldn't have. 

Anyway, I used maladaptive daydreaming as a coping mechanism to deal with the absence of friends and relationships. I was very young and naive, had no idea this is something you should never do. Everybody knows you have to be alive and awake in the world. I guess that I got carried away with my daydreams, but it practically ruined every aspect of my life—that I might've got the chance to have—if I hadn't been in la la land. To press it further, it made me do things that basically made just about everyone think I'm nuts, and steer clear of me. 

I never meant to harm anybody...I just wanted to be liked, but people just don't understand me. They don't know what to make of me. They think I'm plain weird and someplace else, and deaf. Socially, I don't think I've ever had a normal life. 

When people want something—they go get it! Only thing is, I did the opposite!