Being ME

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I do have asperger syndrome, and I still dream time to time. I feel this ripped up my relationship and social life. People feel I'm not in this world with them. Like they wonder what planet I'm from. So they can't relate with me almost at all. PLUS. I don't give them an impression that I'm a friendly, intelligent, and social person. So they think, "Weird, no friend to me," and walk off, or even criticize me. And then, they see signs of my MD behavior (grinning, talking to air, pacing, staring around the room, face-making), and avoid me at all costs. My MD realm seems to be so ideal, whereas in my real life, all areas of my life are problematic. People wonder why I act the way I do, WHY I can't get anything straight, and wonder where my head is.

I had very, very few true friends. I often think this is what prompted my MD, because nobody was around to relate with me on any level, care what I go through, and want me to be happier. I always went through life feeling like a total stranger. My family didn't know how to assist me, because I was extremely quiet. I just didn't express myself. I'm so afraid that I'll spend the rest of my time lost—having little contact with others, and speaking with imaginary people, instead of real ones—all because nobody can figure me out. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

In your perspective. I honestly really want to move on, which is healthy. It's as if I chucked a very, very long relationship that serves me no more. Only, it evolves around my life experiences growing up in the Canadian suburbs by Great Lake Ontario. I want to move myself to greener pastures, and start a fresh, making friends with new people. Eventually, I hope to travel and take another shot at college. As much as I enjoyed living in Oakville, I cannot see myself spending my life there. 

There is a huge misunderstanding between my mom and I that strained our relationship and my lifestyle. She's been so hard on the fact I daydreamed. I understand her strong indignation. She's huge on world politics and events, what goes on in other countries, which I well respect. She always likes to learn about people in TV and books. When she sees me consciously gone to an imagery place, especially as she talks a lot, about what goes on out there. She does everything to get my attention and thinks I'm not on Earth. So she takes my MD as an aversion. 

Whenever I get a hold of a new gig or job, or get involved in a class, even meet someone, she does get judgemental. I think it's because I'm her child. That's why my dad feels I need to move out at some point, which is what I'm trying to do. Regardless, it's so hard with this cooling economy, job competition, 3-round interviews, AI, and housing inflation. 

And yes, I have no problem with being introvert, solo, and single. I've always been most comfortable in my own company.