Another planet

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm on the autistic spectrum, but it's more Asperger syndrome, but it effects my pattern of behaviour, difficulties with social interaction, and verbal communication. I tend to not be attuned to my surrounding environment and people's messages don't absorb and process very well. So not only do I act all blunderingly clumsy, lost, but also deaf. I also tend to daydream a bit. So I cannot describe to you how people have looked at me—like I am from outer space. I have problems with unfamiliar situations and I'm not a quick learner and observer. Anyway, due to my disability, they've caught a hold of the fact "I'm not here, either" and wander if I'm really a smart person.They even start yelling at me. I hesitate and suddenly want to sink into the floor. I believe I can be an accountable, mature and think on my feet adult. In real life, I'm tipsy headed and can't act according to other people's expectations, and I wander. What makes me offended, even sick, is the reactions I am getting. Like they wonder how I live and get by. 

I'm so amazing, talented and gifted when it comes to creating artwork, whether it's drawing, painting, printing and illustrating. I can do this for hours and impress my parents, friends, and other people. But when it comes to working in retail, fast-paced services, food, cleaning etc. I'm so introvert and have trouble absorbing information and can't seem to zone into changing environments, not fast and vigilant either. I don't even drive. People think I'm not intelligent—I am, but my brain is wired uniquely, but this makes it incompatible to the real world. I also have zero social interaction skills. I hesitate when it comes to dealing with people at all. I'm always working on my own time slots, and alone, at my pace.

I tend to bring something up—and someone will say, "I just said this moments ago...?" and think I'm nuts, or something. I'm like the world's worst listener. It's no wonder I've never been in a relationship. 

Does anybody relate?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I know what it's like to be your niece. It's sad, but true. I'll make people very mad at me, but can't get my head around why. Then I'm stunned and reddened up by their tense advancements. Like they think I have a disgusting attitude problem. To me, they're overreactive and all blown up, before they find out who I really am. I just want to make friends and be liked, some people just don't give me a chance. First impression is everything to them. I'm not that flashiest person ever. I'm a person of several flaws. Hurtfully enough, even my family thinks I have no friends for all these reasons. It's like a slap in the face. I can't believe so many people would just not like me. 

It's better if I sought my own tribe of people, who share similar interests as I do. I know a lot of artists who perfectly fine and accepting of who I am, and we get along as happy as Larry. Maybe I'm just barking up the wrong trees, if you know what I mean. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I wonder if my life went where it is today, well, because I daydreamed...I'm a fantastic artist with a vivid imagination, but somehow, it's destructive to everybody who know how to live in this world. I might've jacked something up along the way...like I didn't behave right or think, talk, and act like everybody else does. I wasn't ever in the norm, so it was so hard to fit in. I just swear to most people, I carried out like in such an alien manner, which they didn't know how to make out and understand better. Everything I did around them was so weird or wrong—but never an option of personal preference and point of view. Then I got the eyebrow raises. I failed to make any friends this way. I'm so afraid for the rest of my life, I'm not going to find people who I truly connect with well, and I don't bother them too much, and they could see that's just Jessica.