Am i really suffering in my life or is it a charade to keep people close to me?

ATTENTION- long gibberish

It was two years back when i realized that there is something too weird i continuously used to do, tossing and turning in my bed. I wasn't an up to the mark student, which made me depressed i guess. I just somehow wanted people to understand my state, i guess i was just yearning for pity from people. So, after Daydreaming for a year, where my characters either got loads of pity, unlike me or they were just those unearthly people who were too successful and famous as opposed to me.
To get more ideas out of my head, i became a phone addict, addicted to music, binge watching dramas, movies. Every night, that feeling stayed, to watch something and MD about it. When last year of high school letter came in, i was tearing apart. I thought of all the time wasted. i took to self harm. everytime i thought of leaving out of classes, i would always do something stupid- bang my head with a bat, or make marks with blade. Back then anger was left. Now it all seems that it must have been something to attract attention as well. For people to look at me and say that i tried being a good student for years and that now i can just let it go. But things don't work out as you want them to, do they?
actually, before these years, i was an MDer, since i was 5 years old, i guess. It was something which i ruefully let crept inside of me and let it wipe out all of my memories. i can't grope over any memories over this dark lane which keeps spiraling towards an unknown void. i keep losing thoughts and feelings altogether. this is the first time after months that i cry over how pathetic my life has become- dropping out of coaching, almost failing exams, irritated behavior, leaving every person out of my private life, overeating and getting stress cramps, overlooking medications and huge amount of money wasted over me in just two years. All this to gain pity? it sounds so pathetic.
Unlike others, having two personalities role playing, mine must be three- My pathetic crybaby and self-pitying persona which i had hidden not just from reality but even my daydreams. i masked it in such a beautiful wrap that it doesn't just lie to others but even to me. only one thought revolves in my head now, maybe there is nothing that has happened to me, it is just a bubble i want to never burst, that it is just crazy of me to think that this MDing is hard to control, i am doing all of this for people to pity me but of course it won't happen. i don't suffer from it or anything else. i am just suffering from being pathetic, being a center-seeking fool. More so, this blog is just to feed of my monster of attention, nothing truly worrisome, just for people to give out their good words or something. If i am alive and i crave food then i don't have any problems and alive enough to study and be a good student

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there is a lot of suffering in what you say. You are not in peace  with yourself … so there is something wrong … I do not think you are simply looking for attention ...

try to live in oresent moment.
not past and not future


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