Absence in the Moment

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This must've happened to many of you. I tend to go into my head and be someone-somewhere else, suddenly. I think that I can get away with it, without anybody picking things up about my actions and mannerisms in real life, and that never works. Well, this morning I was boiling eggs on a stove, believing I will be a whole new Jessica moving forward, being more emotionally mature, and no f--- ups. After retrieving my eggs and sitting down to eat, my dad noticed that I consciously didn't think to turn off the burner and remove the pot, before commencing to my breakfast. He told me if he and mom were away, there would be a fire, which is a disturbing thought. Then he finished off, "For someone whose almost 40, he can't believe it." I sat there feeling sheepish. Was I emotionally mature right now? Probably not. Then I was hard on myself, and I recalled a whole background of stories surrounding this little problem of mine. I even recalled waking up every morning to my mom who constantly complained about how far away I was, not being aware of my surrounding environment, and not taking initiative of what goes on around me and whose there. Now my dad was saying this to me, like I was being a total bone head. To add insult to injury, I can't count how many people—not blood—brought up the same thing too. 

Now I realize whoever that someone else I pretended to be in my head is not Jessica, a real human being who makes these slip-ups and brings down a lot of people, because most times, she still doesn't learn to keep her head out the clouds and her feet to the ground—unlike most grownup, sound mind, and mentally healthy people, who know better than to do that since the age of 4.