A Mind Unmoored

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This might sound obvious—or not. I never had a keen sense and awareness of REALITY when I was dreaming about all the things I wanted. I think I might've been in great denial.

Perhaps I kept on expecting things to happen a certain way, and I always found my current situation unflattering or not happy enough, and that's how I turned to daydreaming. I wasn't a well grounded and down on earth sort of a person, but I always felt unsatisfied with where my life was.

Only problem is I felt the answer was to go into my head and concoct made up stories of where I wanted to be, regards, it was impacting my realistic life to a degree that I fell completely behind, because I was mentally distracted.

Funny enough, nobody ever knew what the hell's been going on with me, and there were no social connections in that period of time I was achingly dreaming about things I anticipated to come. I wasn't paying any attention to anybody! And I wasn't gearing towards what I wanted to get! 

My brain even functioned, learned, and processed information differently from what is recognized as typical—and a good many people found me socially awkward. Also, I wasn't taking care of my physical health and personal wellbeing, so I looked kind of gross and offset for anyone to go out with. 

Some people were just shallow to understand what to make out of me—and they burst laughing in contempt, made a face, commented, and walked on...or looked at me like the most annoying and dumbest being they came across. Other people were genuinely nice, but could only do so much to be of assistance, since they had lives of their own. 

Point is that EVERYTHING was all up to me—but I didn't take initiation, either because I was unpowered, discouraged, lost, frustrated, lonely, or insecure—or just someplace else. I just didn't have excellent social interaction skills to make other people care more. I honestly didn't even have any colleagues, friends, or deep connections—probably because I didn't socialize. I was a pretty solo individual who was butt on my own all the time. --Cold when you think about it--

Still. Where did everything I visualized for 20 years go??? Even if I hadn't been an MD-er, would I still have been more successful?