Happy New Year from a long time MDD’er / Lurker

[Calli.W]

Thought I’d start the new year and decade with a post as I've finally decided to make a serious effort to kick my MDD addiction. So, hi everyone. 

I’ve lurked on this site for years on and off but never posted. Probably b/c I didn’t feel I had anything to say yet. While it was good to know I wasn’t alone with my MDD, it’s been in the last handful of years that I’ve  realized what a dependency it has become for me and I'm sick of it. Too much of my energy has been sunk into living a life in my head instead of actually living. It saddens me, makes me angry with myself and even fearful of what I’ll become if I continue this way another 10 years.

So in addition to a hello, this post is also really an admission that my MDD is an addiction I have to face and learn to control better. I’ve never told anyone other than psychologists that I have MDD, so I guess I’m also desperate for someone who’s not a health professional to hear me and not give me excuses for why I do it or why there’s nothing wrong with it. I know now that it’s wrong for me, just like I know stealing is wrong and I’m tired of being a thief.

I’ve chosen the cold turkey approach as well, even though I know it might not be the best way or even a way that’ll work. I know I could crash and burn and make this even worse for myself. But it’s worth the risk b/c my life is long overdue for an emotional forest fire and in order to get a grip I have to be willing to do whatever it takes. I hear a lot that we need to be more compassionate with ourselves and up to a point, I don’t disagree with that. But unfortunately or maybe fortunately, gentle means have never really worked with me, so here goes scorched earth.

And hear’s to all of you who may be or have been where I am in this moment. I hope 10 years from now we're all in a better place and I can finally stop feeling ashamed of who I see in the mirror.

[Calli.W]

So it's Day 2 of my MDD cold turkey quit and to say the least, it's been an interesting experience.

First off, it's been very quiet. And without work (have been on XMas break since Dec 24), I have A LOT of time on my hands.

To clarify, my cold turkey approach has been the following:

1. No active fantasizing either in my mind or out loud (including any role playing or physical enactment).
2. As little talking to myself as possible - if I slip and say something out loud to myself either as commentary or even as if I were in a conversation that's fine, but my aim is to have those conversations in my head only and first.
3. Avoid as many triggers as possible. Usually with my MDD, I'll set aside time/effort to play music to my episodes (to prepare, I deleted all the music I normally listen to when doing this.). Or I'll hear or read something that triggers an episode or idea for one (now I think of it, for this latter scenario, could be these triggers work b/c I use my MDD to work through my emotional reaction to subjects as opposed to just acknowledging them... interesting).

Other things I've observed from Day 1 is that without MDD or talking to myself, I became aware of what actually was going through my mind (a lot of worry and gremlins). I also had to spend more hours out of bed b/c if I'm not sleeping, I would normally be engaged in a MDD episode.

In an effort to not become bored and not feed the gremlins, I did some reading. Then I worked on my annual personal plan. Then called my Dad and made food. I also Web surfed, sang songs and watched YouTube (don't have cable anymore). None of these things are unusual or things I wouldn't do in any event. But they grew in significance b/c I was mainly doing them to avoid getting sucked into another MDD episode.

It's like I turned off white noise. The vacuum in its absence is scary. I'm going to need to get used to this type of quiet somehow.

Getting ready in the shower today, normally I'd be in an episode, usually continued from waking. Instead, realizing I didn't want to do that today and having forgotten to bring in my phone to play a YouTube vid of singing exercises (I started doing that a couple of months back to improve my vocal strength), I compelled myself to do some of the singing exercises and practicing a song on my own. It was kind of cool to do to hear how well my voice has developed.

While out on an errand, as usual, I wore earphones with which I listen to podcasts, music, or if I don't feel like either, talk to myself like I was on the phone with someone (with the plethora of people wearing Bluetooth ear pieces now, it's super easy for someone like me to hide that I talk to myself from others).

Today, I only listened to podcasts, in keeping with #2 above.

I'm not sure if I see this as success or not. I guess yes, b/c it's consistent with the rules I've set for my cold turkey. But it's also forced me to look at some of what I use MDD and talking to myself for. I spend a lot of time alone where I don't interact or talk to anyone. Before my quit, I'd actually spent 5 days straight, locked in my apartment, in my pjs, not going outside or talking to anyone, except for the occasional text.

Seems I lean on MDD a lot to alleviate my boredom or loneliness. Looking at my regular schedule starting next week, except for an open mic event I agreed to attend Monday evening, there's little else going on aside from work everyday.

It's a good revelation for me. I need to make a better effort to be out and around others other than through work.

[Silver Swan]

Please do quit MDD. I've been doing it for nearly 20 years, and I now wish it never got started. It effected all of my life's decisions and turned me into a recluse. Back then, I loved to do this and I was happy in my dreams, but didn't realize my life will get worse. Everybody could tell I wasn't in the same world as them. I really should've stopped to listen, when I still had a chance. So, I really deserve the consequences. My mom had no clue what I was up to until 12 years after it began, because I didn't talk much. She was just appalled.