I am exhausted

[MedStudent]

I have been handling this for all my life since I was 10 years old and its eating away my time. Today i found out that someone one year younger than me is doing much better than me and i could not help but feel envious. I have been daydreaming all my life and it has hindered with my progress. I make slower progress than my colleagues. I have always been that way since this started. I am so tired of this disease. I am so tired of living this way. This disease had lead me to have suicidal thoughts when i was younger, obviously I do not have it right now. But i cannot do this anymore. I feel suffocated. I feel like i cant breathe. It is really suffocating because theres no escape from it. How am i supposed to escape my own mind. I am so tired of living this way. I need to find a solution to live with this. At the centre of my life like the freaking sun is this disease. I have let this control me all my life. I want to control this disease now. I have to find a way to get my mind back. They say your mind is everything and i feel as if my mind is not even mine anymore. Managing this disease requires a whole lot of lifestyle modification that is really difficult to achieve. And the craving. All i had felt from morning is not nothing but craving. I want this craving to subside. I want to gain control of my emotions and my mind. If anyone has any tips that has worked for them it would mean a lot to me if you would share it. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I had a very vivid imagination, always. Very important events happened in my childhood that stayed a mystery to me, for a while. I faced a random series of bullying in all of my schools and workplaces. I had no idea why I was getting picked on significantly. Well, I was a super quiet individual, and I didn't realize, this made me look so stupid. I sat there, always daydreaming or thinking, but not ever verbally expressing myself that I sounded my age. The teachers assumed I was just thinking deeply to myself. Kids can't judge like adults do, so they jumped to the assumption that I was very dumb. And I was used as this perfect punching bag for everybody's insecurities. I didn't realize that my calm, quiet and introverted behaviour was setting me up for a traumatic and lonely life. It got to a point that I was so alone, that I started doing MD—to escape my lonely and socially outcasted way of life. This in turn only steered me unto unwanted crowds and undesired attention, and plenty of trauma. I didn't understand what makes an attractive and likeable person—didn't understand what normal was to someone—and honestly didn't know how to win people over. I didn't realize that I dug myself a huge grave in whatever I was doing, from moment to another. Everybody knows you will never get a head my daydreamer, and I just didn't get it. SO yes, I'm exhausted by my serious lack of awareness. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I spent my entire life wondering why everybody were such assholes around me. I grew up a funny kid with a larger than life imagination. I was extremely quiet and stood around, thinking my own thoughts, but not interacting with the kids, which is probably why I'm alone today. Everyone assumed I was so stupid, but I wasn't. I was a highly intelligent person with an expressive gift. Thing is I didn't come across as socially normal to most people. I didn't even react and respond to what was socially going on around me. Making them think I lived on some other planet..they knew nothing about. Found me too weird for them. So I seldom had friends. Even to this day I struggle, because many people think I have issues.. I often think my mind really effected my future. 

I am good, smart, talented, and handsome looking person. It's just to a stranger..to non-family—I could be anybody. People take it all by exterior without taking a closer look. 

[MedStudent]

I have my exam in 10 days and here I am getting entertained in my dream world. I am again getting exhausted. Sometimes I dont know whether I should deal with the stress of daydreaming or the stress of exams. Both are just stressful. Honestly dealing with this is a full time job. The most important thing is always handling this. I really hope that I get some studying done. It just comes and goes. And today i just felt like indulging myself in my daydreams. 

[Dee Wards]

I need a vacation and I’m going on a mini one tomorrow.  It’ll be interesting to see how things go.  I’m going with friends to a mountain resort.  There’ll be 4 people there that I know and 3 that I don’t know.  I’m actually looking forward to it though.  I’m going to relax and free my mind.  I plan to open up and share my recent disillusionment and plans for the future.  

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I find this wild. Long story. I spent an excessive amount of my life, not only daydreaming, but sitting at my bedroom desk, working on the computer, watching videos, sketching, and reading. I am a true introvert. I don't remember many times doing outgoing things with others. I simply wasn't an interactive person. Even when I did go out, I was always doing my own things, and solo. I never hung out in groups. Whether I was inside or outside, I was in a state of daydreaming. 

People have found me stuck up and weird. My dad was very worried about my socially deprived life. I don't recall having any friends, outside of my BFF's. I haven't even been in a real relationship, nor have I ever been on a real date. I was always just inside my head. Years have went by and I've just been living the same way and doing the same things, never breaking out of my comfort zone. I haven't been to college since over a decade ago, either. 

Today all my peers have lives, and I'm still treading in water, trying to find myself. At 37. 

[MedStudent]

@mahesh I really think that headspace works best for us. When our minds are unstable, filled with craving to daydream, listening to a calm voice that guides us is really helpful. Meditating on our own is something we can try once we have achieved a certain level of stability in our mind but i am not there yet. Headspace has really helped me out over the last 1 month. 

I am more of a nonfiction reader but i will definitely check out the books. Speaking of book suggestions might i suggest mindset and grit. They are books written by cognitive psychologists and it is brilliant. 

[Mahe]

@med student, Meditate in the morning. instead of head space try meditating on your own. You can let your mind daydream and wander if it wants. Just be aware of it.  you can keep a journal. 

Read quality books. I recommend S L Byrappa. He is the most accomplished and the realistic writer. His books will drag you into reality. He wrote a book Parva on mahabharata and Uttarakhanda on Ramayan, i have not beaten daydreamimg, It has beaten me. Hope it will be different for you.

[MedStudent]

@dee wards. I did not choose this disease. We did not choose this disease. This disease is not my choice. I do not enjoy living this way. But its my responsibility to handle it whether i like it or not. I do not really have a choice but to handle it. The quality of my life depends on how well i handle it. The fact that i made this far despite of this disease is a miracle. I feel as if it werent for gods help i wouldnt even be here. With mdd it takes twice as much hard work to achieve. Handling this disease has become the centre of my universe. It requires that i meditate everyday, not listen to music, not watch entrainment content because they are a trigger. It is an addiction. Our brains are used to watching pictures all the time and it is going to take time for us to unlearn this. We might never really achieve because when i think about it, i dont really think any of us even know how to live without seeing pictures in our head. Everything should be in moderation. I guess if we can learn to live with these thoughts without ever indulging in them or just indulging in them once in blue moon, we will be fine. It is only when we indulge in them, with the assumption that it would take no more than 5 or 10 mins. But in reality we might end up day dreaming for a couple of hours. I really hope we all better at handling it. And i really dont think there are drungs that can help us and even if there were i am so not up to going that lane. Probably the only professional help that we can seek is a psychologist. 

[MedStudent]

@mahesh I meditate everyday. I use headspace. Its the only thing that helps. It helps me feel the space between the thoughts and cravings and the my response to them. But still it is upon us to apply this to real life. It is not easy. But i am getting there slowly. I am making baby steps. This disease is all about lifestyle modifications and it is learning curve for all of us. We have to figure out what triggers and make conscious choices to avoid them even if we love it. We have to make handling this disease a priority. We are all on the same boat. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. When ever i need some inspiration I am going to look at it. What has helped me is meditation and reading. I only started reading as way to control my mind and to get some peace. 

[Mahe]

1. Getting yourself more socialized is the priority but it will lead to unnecessary problems. Ger social but dont get close and dont mind what others think. 

2. Controlling the mind is difficult, controlling the body is easy. Most of the mind problems are also due to lifestyle and body condtion, It is what the ancient(timeless) practice yoga says. Your body is a weapon to achieve anything in this world. If your healthy you can go and learn anything. If you are healthy,  learnt and bold then you can achieve anything.

3. List down your fantasies, Create a bucket list of it. Remember whatever you achieve you will stop fantasizing about it. IF it is asking out a person you have fantasized about then dont back step. Just go ahead. IF any rejection then it is temporary otherwise the fantasy will continue.

4. Fantasy daydreaming is escape from reality. Not only this Bing watching, too much friends and socialization is also a sort of escape from reality. so don t bother.

5. NO matter how many times you failed, Just get back to step 01. 

6. The process to rehabilate is very slow but dont dtagnate. 

7. Read quality books

8. Stoicism helps. It helped me.

9. Find out what your interests and what you are good at. Do something daily in that area.

10.None of the above will work unless you wake early, Excercise and get cold shower in the morning. this way start your work as a lion

11. Accept the fact that you were not aligned to this world and had been a fool and lazy. Now change that. 

12. No matter how many step backs. Just go

13. If it is slow recovory then it is the best because it is a strong recovory.

14. face fear, nervous break downs facing the reality you have been afraid of. better this than fantasising.