Death of My Mom (10 Year Anniversary Memory Dump)

[Rachel]

Hello people of Wild Minds,

Today is my mom's 10-year deathaversary. I'm 25 now, and my mom died when I was 15. I was actually on Wild Minds when she died, and I made a few blog posts about it at the time.

Anyway, since it's her 10 year deathaversary, I've been visiting some old memories. I've always been someone who's found it therapeutic to write about impactful/traumatic memories, so figured I'd write a sort-of narrative about my experiences.

July 23rd, 2014 was the last time I saw my mom conscious. I woke up on July 24th, 2014 to the sound of my mom vomiting in the restroom and sounding in pain (moaning, crying, etc.). I stayed in bed for a while, and she went to the hospital while I was still in bed. I texted and called her on July 24th and also on July 25th.

On July 26th, she wasn't responding to my texts or calls. My dad left the house very suddenly to go to the hospital, and didn't give me any explanation before he left. I was alone with no updates or information, except that my mom wasn't responding to any of my attempts to reach her, and I feared for the absolute worst. I felt like my whole body was being crushed by cement -- very heavy, hard to breathe, etc. Physically uncomfortable and borderline physically painful. I tried to take a shower, thinking that maybe it would make me feel better, but it didn't help at all. I remember either taking sleeping meds or seriously considering taking sleeping meds to make it stop -- not sure which. It was around this time that I sent my last ever text messages to my mom:

"Are you okay?"

7 minutes later:

"I really, really need you to be okay."

11 minutes later:

"I'm kind of scared."

Brooklyne, someone who was friends with my mom, got access to my mom's phone while my mom went into emergency surgery, and she saw the texts. Brooklyne called me and finally gave me an update: that my mom had a kidney stone that was infected and that she was going in for emergency surgery to remove it. Brooklyne told me that the surgery would be over in a few hours. When she got out of surgery, Brooklyne picked me up and took me to the hospital to see my mom. She was unconscious then, and would never regain consciousness. I was miserable at the hospital, so I don't think I stayed there too long. I went back home, and I was thinking that I was going to be home alone for quite a while, since both of my parents were going to be staying at the hospital for the foreseeable future, but then Brooklyne called me again and told me that she was arranging for me to stay at her house that night. I didn't want to stay at her house. I begged her to let me stay at my house, but she didn't let me. The night of July 25th was my last night staying in my childhood home, sleeping in my childhood bedroom, and I had NO IDEA that it was going to be the last night.

On July 27th, after spending my first night at Brooklyne's, I went home briefly. Then, Brooklyne came back. I saw her coming into the house from my bedroom window, so I started walking toward the hallway, and met her there. I could tell on her face that she had been crying, and she hesitated to speak, like she didn't know how to say what she needed to say. I assumed then that my mom was dead. I said, "No," took a step back, into my bedroom, and leaned over the bed. Brooklyne reassured me that my mom was still alive. However, she went on to tell me that my mom had a very small chance of survival, and would likely be dead within a few days. Brooklyne said that she would take me to the hospital, so we walked to her car. Once we got into her car, Brooklyne's phone rang. It was an update about my mom. I told Brooklyne that I didn't want to hear the update or the phone call at all. To avoid hearing it, I got out of the car, walked across the street, and pushed my hands over my ears as heavily as I could.

Afterwards, Brooklyne took me back to the hospital, where I saw my still-unconscious mother. I talked to my mom and told her that it's okay if she doesn't make it; that I'll be okay regardless. That night, I stayed at Brooklyne's again.

I stayed at Brooklyne's for several days, with hospital visits sprinkled throughout. I requested only infrequent and general updates on my mom -- frequent updates in heavy medical detail only caused me stress and anxiety. I have many memories of being in the hospital waiting room. Most of them are completely miserable. I remember that everyone in my family -- even from very far away -- had traveled to be there. I remember acting younger than my age, and doing things such as playing hide-and-seek with my cousins. I remember wanting to run away and escape the hospital, and I remember someone inviting me to take a walk around the hospital with them. I remember walking around outside the hospital at night, and I remember getting locked out of the hospital, or having a hard time getting back in from a walk.

I don't know when exactly, but once, my dad drove me to the hospital in my mom's car. Afterwards, we were walking toward the car to leave, when suddenly, the car changed colors to my eyes. I gasped, jumped back, and said something like, "Is this the right car?!" My dad was like, "Yes," and didn't seem to realize how startled I was, although it felt obvious to me. I got in the car, and the interior also looked completely different to me. Colors and sizes of things were different to my eyes than they had been just hours earlier. My mom had decorated her dashboard with gem stickers, and when I saw them, I knew that the car must be my mom's, but even the gems looked different in color and size than they had always been. I had never experienced anything like that before, and have never experienced anything like that since, so it was very memorable.

On July 31st, my oldest brother made the decision to take my mom off life support because the doctors were going to have to amputate all of her limbs if she stayed alive, and even with all her limbs amputated, she was still very unlikely to survive. At that point, my brother thought that she should just be taken off life support. I was at the hospital when she was taken off of it, but left before she died. I went to Brooklyne's house and watched a movie, and received the call during the movie, at about 9:58pm, that my mom had died. 

The cause of my death, to my knowledge, was sepsis due to kidney stone infection. Brooklyne went on to become my legal guardian after my mom's death. That is not a pretty story, either, but it's a story for another time entirely.

This is the most coherent, chronological, and complete telling of my mom's death I've written, I believe, which feels appropriate for her 10-year deathaversary. I think about my mom every day, even now.

Thank you to anyone who read this post!

[Dave Rair]

Sending you virtual hugs!
I can't imagine what's its like to have such a loss when you are so young.
I am not even sure how long it takes for someone to get used to that pain. :(

[Mina]

my condolences

i think i should journal  about my trauma too

thank you for sharing