Unexplained negative daydreams

[Xyz]

so I have already mentioned about the sudden negative daydreams I experience while I hold in pee , I always thought that they were meaningless and had no basis but then after pondering over it I realized they are not .

so here is what happens in my negative daydreams I don’t even actively decide what happens it just comes into play,

(so it’s always that am a frail and meak child with bones peeking through my skin who is being sexually,  verbally and physically being abused by grownup male relatives to the point where my flesh is opened , they cut my tongue  because they don’t want to hear me fuss about it and there is blood all over my body and continue despite it  .. they do this to me despite knowing that am a child who is innocent ,who has worked for their good and I don’t yet have the body for engaging in sexual activity  . And there is this one evil person who is the head and is lenient than the others who just watches my plight.. am left neglected and ignored all by myself crying and suffering while I plead for their mercy while they have a good time. They simply hate me because of my gender or skin.

I always thought the above daydream is over the top but I realized it summarizes the abuse I have went through spiritually 

growing up as a child my grownup family used to abuse me even though I was good to them and helped them but the abuse was covert in nature so it used to be unclear to me what’s breaking me , so instead I used to wish for physical abuse so at least my misery could be justified.

I developed major depression as well as other disorders as a child but then it was all just ignored .I suffered all of it in silence and I was made fun of or ignored if I expressed  my feelings ( the cut tongue )  or if I behaved miserable ,the  one ‘head’ person is a parallel To my father in real life who is the head of the family but ignored and accepted the abuse, I had expectations from him to intercede as even in my daydream. I had been miserable spiritually just like the child in my daydream 
I only daydream of male relatives maybe because men are known as the ‘protectors’ and so is family supposed to protect you
And hate for my gender or skin symbolizes hating me for something that wasn’t even my fault even though i have been  bullied or discriminated for being dark and a female as well by my fam.

so basically the daydream allows me to feel vulnerable and have pity for myself  and see others as cold monsters with justification..