Why I believe I DayDream!

[ShellyBelly]

Hello everyone! I'm Shelly and I think I have figured out all the reasons I DD.

1. I'm overweight and always have been. I was teased and taunted mercilessly as a child and have still been bullied as an adult. I think I come off as being too nice to people and that causes them to feel they can walk over me.

2. I suffer from an embarrassing skin condition that is caused from my skin rubbing together and it has caused me major depression and has made me fear sexual intimacy.

3. I grew up poor and always went without. Mom always said we'd have everything we needed one day and I just fancied what that one day would look like and never stopped.

4. I  have never understood the concept of "frenimies" and people always seem to want to compete with me. I have never understood why a friend would view me as their competition. I have had one too many friends break my heart.

5. Not to sound stuck up, but I am a very intellectual person. I love to talk about and explore all sorts of heavy concepts and my family just doesn't I am always dismissed, ignored or asked to change the subject. Therefore, the only people I can have this conversation with are the characters in my head.

6.I feel I am very creative but I feel incredibly anxious and impatient when it comes to expressing my creativity. I have started a million stories that I have never finished as I feel too fidgety and nervous to actually stay consistent.

7. I am a perfectionist and I feel that everything has to be absolutely perfect before I can change or begin anything new so DD'ing helps me to imagine what it will be like. I swear it's like I love the dream or the idea of a thing more so than it's manifestation.

8. There are so many things I want to do or be that I just don't have access or knowledge to do, so I just imagine what it is like.

9. I plan obsessively. Most of my DD's are things that I actually believe will happen and planing them is a way for me to predict outcomes and situations. I think this is also linked to my anxiety. I am absolutely never in a state of calm. Ever. I am never relaxed or at peace. My thoughts are never in the present.

10. I just don't know what a normal person is supposed to think. I don't know what having a regular mind is like. My DD is just normal to me. I can't say that I love it. I don't. But I do fear changing. Even though I want to so badly. I fear the change because I don't know who I will be. DD'ing is odd because while you feel powerless and out of control, it also gives you outcomes and situations that you can control. I try to predict how I will be in the future- how I will act, how I will behave- by DD'ing. I am incredibly awkward and have embarrassed myself so many times that I fear people talking about me and saying hurtful things so I am afraid of spontaneity.

Well, I am sure there many more but these are the top ones. Can anybody else relate to any of this? What are your reasons?

ShellyBelly

[Paracosm]

Haha! In social situations (which are rare for me, since I'm always stuck at home), I just sit and listen to other people. I never dare to say a word. For some reason, I always feel inferior to everyone else, like, "who cares about what I have to say?" More and more, though, I feel less awkward in social situations—not that they aren't awkward for me, but I've become so detached that I don't feel nervous anymore. But it's not nice at all... I feel so numb, like I'm not really "there". I don't really feel intimidated by other people, though. It's funny—I'm actually a much more assertive person than I usually let people know. Sometimes I let it out and I think I can take people off guard, lol.

I do over-analyze my thoughts and feelings! I always have to know "why" I think the way I do and feel the way I do. It causes me to procrastinate a lot. Because I don't have many ways to express myself, I have to search inward for my identity, and this only makes me dig the hole of confusion deeper. I would so love to let go and live for once!

If you're interested, here's a pretty good article on depersonalization disorder... :)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder

[ShellyBelly]

Parascom- I would also describe myself as an extrovert. I find it so odd that in spite of that, I still can't seem to find my social butterfly vibe! LOL! It's so weird. I will always be trying to figure out what to say something interesting in a conversation and ultimately just keeping my trap shut and smiling like an idiot because I'm just not very witty regardless of how charming I like to think I am. I feel intimidated by other people. I don't think I give off a very commanding presence so I have been walked over in the past. 

I hear you about the control thing. That's why I think DD is so addictive because it gives you a false sense of control over situations that you may be anticipating or have already passed and you end up wishing that you had done something differently.

I have never heard of depersonalization. I will look it up. I think ultimately we have to find a way to be less self conscious of out thoughts and actions if that makes sense. We over analyze every feeling and and thought and that leads to issues. We have to find some way to just live in the moment without judging our thoughts and feelings or fearing that they are a true reflection of us. I am learning how to practice mindfulness, though so far, I am not so great at it. LOL! Let me know if I can help at all.

[Paracosm]

Wow, you just described me. I'm so socially awkward, especially with strangers, but I'm actually an extravert and I love being around people—go figure. I've always felt like I could never be myself, but I can be myself in my daydreams. I sometimes have to ask myself, "in this situation, what would I do in my daydreams?" I don't really idealize myself in my daydreams, but I'm no longer held back and I have complete control. In real life, I have no control and I feel stuck.

I don't know about you, but I have absolutely NO idea how to live without MD. I don't know what it would be like. I feel like there would be a void, and yet, I'm only growing the void the more I daydream. It doesn't help that I have depersonalization disorder (or so I think—I've never been diagnosed), so I don't really feel much emotion anymore. I feel like I'm living in a constant dream state—not really anywhere or at any point in time. It all blurs together. Daydreaming is my only way of feeling. I feel like a living dead person in real life and I can only come back to life in my daydreams. So frustrating... :/

[ShellyBelly]

Parascom- YES! It is definitely how I cope with loneliness and apathy. I just can't seem to motivate myself out of a depression and I fantasize about what my life will be like eventually but I can't seem to get it there now. It's so strange. But now it's like a crutch. I can't seem to stop using it and just get out and live my life. I am so afraid to just be in the moment because, in a strange way, MDD let's you "control" your moment to moment experience. I am stupidly awkward and whenever I have just let go and lived in the moment, I have done things to embarrass myself and I always hear the people in my head laughing at me. MDD in a strange thing as it gives me something to else to concentrate on. Ultimately, I have a very deep-seated fear of shame and MDD helps my cope with m feelings of inadequacy and lack of knowledge of how to change.

[Paracosm]

I too plan on stopping one way or another, and I agree with you that understanding WHY we daydream is the best place to start. Would you say your MD would be best described as a coping mechanism? That's what seems to be the case for me... at least that's my best guess, because it's always difficult to know for sure when it comes to these sorts of things.

[ShellyBelly]

It's nice to meet you Paracosm! I'm so glad I could be of help. I really do plan on stopping and for anyone else who is also planning on stopping, I think understanding why you do it in the first place may help. I agree. Everyone should make a list! It would be interesting to see where we all concur. :-)

[Paracosm]

Hello Shelly! I can relate to 3, 5, 6, 8, and 10. I do have a skin condition (keratosis pilaris), but as long as I don't show much skin, it doesn't embarrass me much.

My main reason for daydreaming is loneliness. I never created a bond with any real people when I was young, so I created people in my head. I didn't feel loved, so I created people who loved me. I didn't have any freedom to explore or express myself, so I gave myself that freedom in my daydreams. I think it's just that I didn't have the opportunity to develop emotionally as a child.

For the past few years, I've been experiencing symptoms of dissociation, so I also use my daydreaming to escape the weird sensations and illusions.

I think it would be really interesting if we all made a list like the one you've made to see how much we each have in common. :)

[ShellyBelly]

taro- It's nice to meet you. Yeah, I have heard several others talk about planning. I have journals filled with my ideas about starting a self sustaining community. Lots of it stems from a sincere desire to help the world and change it but for some reason, I just can't seem to recognize that these are just fantasies and it's not my job to save the world. I feel like it is. Everything I imagine is pretty much a plan. It always feels like it's something I actually will do eventually one day. It sucks because it causes you to miss out on the beauty of the everyday mundane things. Thanks for commenting. Don't be a stranger. :-)

[taffle]

Hi Shelly and welcome to wild minds! I can relate to some stuff.

I don't have a skin condition but I can sweat excessively in certain areas which cause me embarassment, especially in the summer.

My family is working class and we try to save as much as we can, which means denying pleasures until later when we get rich, if ever. Daydreaming allows me to create a world of riches.

I'm also an intellectual person. I like engaging in intellectual arguments (online mostly) with people and see their perspectives too.

I plan obsessively as well. I replay future plans over and over in my head but even then, I still feel anxious. I need more confidence, and cut down on the obsessiveness.