What do you think?

[Enoch Sunrise]

Good, early morning Wild-Minders,

   I have been searching for a name to put to a mental episode that happened to me when I was younger. From between 4th grade to about 9-10th. Now this is a story I don't share with many, but I know that all of you are more understanding than other people could ever be. From what I have read over the bit of time I've spent on here (I hope to spend much more) I have read a wide range of involvement when it come to your DDs.

   When I was young I became so mentally involved in a world that I believed it. I became split, mentally. There was a part of my mind that was "me" and a part that was another person entirely. The other part had the ability to come and go as she pleased but most often would spend her time "in control" of my body. She would push my mind into the background or sit there herself and just "watch". Now comes the embarrassing part. In this she was an alien and here to study humans. Through a device supposedly planted in me she was able to transfer her mind into mine from her home planet(thus allowing the ability to travel between worlds daily). She would spend our days here and our nights back home. Every night (for the duration of it happening) I only ever had dreams of being her "back home". Now enter a third party into all this. Like an imaginary friend (that I couldn't see due to a cloaking device) there was another person who followed me and her and talked to me and her. He was supposedly there to watch her back and was also a lover of the other one's. Him and I sometimes would talk at night when she was gone and unable to find out. Although I could not see him I was able to feel him.

   Months ago I did some research and was looking for a way to explain this. I came acr0ss Dissociative Disorders. Dissociative Identity Disorder in particular. Now I am hoping to get feedback from anyone who has ever been so far down their rabbit hole to experience something remotely like this. Or if anyone is knowledgeable (book or personal) on if this would be considered something dissociative or not. It's not the only split I've had, just the earliest. They come, some go.  I am open to any and all questions. And thank you in advance for any feedback you can give.

[Enoch Sunrise]

Well I have done personal research on online and in books. I've talked to people on mental health forums and read over the DSM IV revised. I've discussed symptoms with Dr's and my therapist, but really it seems the only consensus is that since there is now known family history and I haven't done street drugs that i simply cannot have schizophrenia. I disagree.. it has to start somewhere right? What I wish is that a brain scan would be performed to disprove the schizophrenia and could move on from that. I really think that I have DID due to memory loss I also suffer from and the feeling of loss of control. I just need to find a therapist that will take me seriously and discuss it instead of just say that I don't have it and that i'm just wrong.

[KwanKwan]

i have similiar experiences as you, but vaguely similiar.

If you really think you have Dissociative Personality Disorder (aka Multiple Personality disorder) then you should watch the movie "Sybil".

If you think you have schizophrenia, watch the movie "A Beautiful Mind" which i love!!!!

Or you can watch them both and see which one is more similar to you.

[SecretSeraph]

To me it sounds like DID and not schizophrenia. Not because it is not in your family history (which is total nonsense by the way), but from personal experience schizophrenics generally have no awareness that their behaviour is even unusual; and it is common for disassociation to occur as a coping mechanism for dealing with abuse. If you think about it mdd itself is in essence a disassociation from reality which is probably why it is often linked with trauma. I would consider trying to find a specialist that knows more about DID if you really need to know, I know sometimes just being able to put a label on a condition you have can give you some peace of mind.

[Enoch Sunrise]

Well... it's hard, she has been quite for some time now. She comes out when I have really hard times emotionally. And weirdly enough she even talked to my boyfriend once. She calmed me down and got me to "sleep" and when he came in the room she told him "Shhhh, I just got her to sleep" I am STILL mortified by her doing that!

[Enoch Sunrise]

Well... for myself I have been through a lot of trauma. Was molested at least once by a neighbor boy, neglected by my parents, the only person I attached to died when I was young, only to be followed by being sodomized and eventually raped by a boy I thought I was in a meaningful relationship with in my early teens(I had no concept of sex education so at the time I didn't even understand what was happening was even wrong till I told a fellow school girl). I only just blatantly tell you this because writing it or telling it to people doesn't bother me anymore. It's just a fact. That is what has happened in my life. Nothing I can do to change it. But unfortunately it's left me messed up.

My current "official" diagnosis is PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder(with agoraphobia). I have left over symptoms like you and I have discussed and it's down to DID or Schizophrenia but all the Dr's say I can't have the later despite them not even doing a brain scan to resolve the issue. And since my therapist isn't knowledgeable about Dissociative Disorders and isn't trained in the treatment she won't even really discuss the possibility. I'm considering switching because things haven't been working out for a while now. We never seem to get anything done or actually discuss.

As for Sara.. I don't fully understand her purpose. She's my more dominant side and originally I think she represented the start of any sexual feelings I did not understand as puberty hit. Overtime she has grown as any person does. A Tv quote describes her best.

   "As much as I hate him, I still go, 'Martin says' or 'Martin used to say'.. He smiles when he's good.. He smiles when he's cruel.. Same smile."

   As much as she can be there for me, to comfort me and whisper in my ear "Everything will be fine", she can turn around and tell me how horrible I am and that the reason why blank happens is because I'm worthless or a bad girl.

[Enoch Sunrise]

I know exactly what you mean! Currently I only have Sara currently that I know of. I have an as of yet unnamed one that comes to the surface from time to time but is benign. So I understand that feeling. She's a voice in the "waiting room" of my mind. I've had others but they've gone.

I know, I know. Not supposed to self diagnose. But my therapist says that with my understanding of psychology it doesn't hurt to look and discuss my findings and figure it out together. But honestly these set of symptoms are either DID or I'm schizophrenic and there is no family history of that so the Dr's say i can't have that.