Triggers and Feelings

[Amy Buttz]

First of all, I have been hearing about other peoples' triggers and been thinking about mine.  I know T.V. and movies are big ones.  Words are a big one too.  I love words, the way they look and the way they feel in my mouth when I say them.  It is like rollling some delicious morsel around on my tongue.  In junior high, I started a very elaborate daydream based on the words, "cool, smooth doorknob."  It persists to this day and grows and changes.  I am an older woman and did not grow up with technology and am technology challenged.  However, I have managed to find Fanfiction.  Oh, how I wish I hadn't.  So addicted to this, like I need a fix!  All these things contribute to my day dreaming.  I have a catch twenty-two as well.  When I try to put a stop to the daydreaming, the space it leaves in my mind triggers more daydreaming.  I have tried to fill the space with other things, but nothing helps long term. 

I wanted to tell about how daydreaming feels to me.  It feels like its own entity.  Sometimes it feels like a runaway train speeding down the railway.  I am attached to the back, not dragging along the tracks but flying out horizontally behand and I can't get loose.  I have to wait for the train to reach a more level grade.  The train usually doesn't crash.  (I think it did crash one time, but that is a discussion for another time.)  Then I just wait for the next drop off.  Another picture of this for me, would be standing on the beach with a swat shield trying to defend myself against a tsunami.  It just rolls over me and carries me out to sea.  Some of the milder words I would use for this are compelled and driven.  Even when I get a mental break occasionally, the daydreaming never shuts off completely.  It is like a car idling or a T.V. turned down in the back ground.  I just wait for the acceleration or the volume to be turned up.  Sometimes the waiting drives me crazy and  I do the accerating or turning up myself.  This also helps me feel slightly in control. 

 

[Amy Buttz]

Thanks for the compliment.  I hadn't thought about writing from the angle your'e suggesting.  You have given me something to consider.  Thank you.