This post is about Sex!

[Water Lily]

Hey daydreamers,

I have been avoiding posting about this topic and find it very disconcerting to write about, but I think it's important that I get some advice from a crowd that would understand (you guys).

I have been married for a couple years, my husband knows about my daydreaming, but doesn't really understand the extent of how it affects our marriage, mainly our sex life. 

The themes of my daydreams are usually of the violence-self idealization categories sometimes ending in companionship, intimacy and wonderful sex (masturbation). I worry that my relationship with my daydream boyfriend gets in the way of intimacy with my actual husband. I've read a lot of daydreamers would rather have fantasy relationships than have a real-life relationship. In my life, I am constantly choosing whether I want a stable existence with my kind, loving husband or the excitement and up-and-down emotional ride of daydream life. I feel like I need a mix of both to be happy, but worry it makes me a bad spouse (imaginary adultery?). I also start comparing my husband to dd boyfriend, which is an impossible standard to set....unless he somehow learns how to read my mind, obtains a six pack, and becomes a millionaire...

Really, what would be ideal is to still daydream about the self idealization and violence themes I enjoy so much and drop the daydream boyfriend - but how on earth do I do that? Do I even want to do that? I certainly feel like I owe my husband that, at least. He is a wonderful person, and is always hoping for more intimacy. And I think we would have a happier marriage, with lots more sex, but will have to sacrifice my favorite coping mechanism :( ??

Are there any other daydreamers out there who have successfully or even partially navigated these waters? Any advice or similar experiences with intimate relationships? I've tried talking with therapists/counselors but am too timid to talk about intimacy things in person...I blame my catholic upbringing. How can I ax my sexual daydreams but continue having non-sexual daydreams when the one leads to the other? Do I need a 3rd party editor in my mind or maybe just a different perspective of my own sexuality?

Thanks!!

[Water Lily]

Hi all - thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Juno, I really like your idea of doing a break-up daydream. Sometimes I have those, but they are usually pretty sad/depressing. But maybe I can change it to be more empowering than sad. I think therapy would be very helpful - the digging is very painful, but is necessary and adds a lot of perspective to life. Thanks for sharing your experience - it helps me a lot!

Penguin, my husband has never entered my daydream world. I don't ever daydream about people I know in real life - I am not sure if I could...

Girl who dreams~ I have not dd'd about my bf when sexing my boo - usually I am too focused on the sex at hand to think of anything else ;).

[Juno Jones]

I have always allowed myself to dream about a man. (sometimes a different one for every dd) I have also been in long term relationships. I've been married in real life for about 30 years. I used to try and be with my husband more.  We had a good sex life and relationship. I know that I don't satisfy him because it is not enjoyable for me. I would rather be with my dd men.

I hope that it's possible to get my real life back. I find that it is hard to be with my husband. He's actually very good looking and tries very hard. But my dream guys are the ones who know me best so everything is more satisfying. I get kind of angry with my husband for not acting like my dream guy. But how can he when he doesn't know.

Also, my husband and I are both in professional careers. He seems to be moving forward and is excited about life. I'm doing less and less, while dreaming more. I am kind of lazy to want to live a real life. 

This is my first time to write about this. I'm depressed and can't think very good. Your letter just caught my eye. You sound young and should find a way to ax the other guys. I wish I had known to do that. I've tried dreaming about breaking up and being single in my dreams. It takes a lot of will power. My dream boyfriends are all around me. Every man I see wants to be with me. I would have to go live on another planet. Then I would probably have alien men who made me their ruler. :)

One thing that I have not done is go to therapy. I don't have time for all that digging in my childhood. 

[Bud Ice Penguin]

There's a saying in recovery groups- "The Best Fed Dog Wins". You can't keep the fantasy bf and your husband happy at the same time, you'll have to choose.

Just as an aside, when you daydream about this DD BF do you sanitize the fantasy by imagining your husband has tragically passed away?

[MatthewR]

I've read that fantasies that turn violent occur as compensation for feelings of guilt associated with wanting things we're not supposed to. I had a fundamentalist upbringing, too, and most of my daydreams from that time focused  on doing things i didn't want to do but had no choice. If i was powerful and destroying everything, it wasn't because I wanted to do it, it was because circumstances forced me to do it. Or if i had to pair up with my crush or whoever i was attracted to, and things got intimate or whatever, it wasn't because i wanted to do it, it was because some secret organization or something compelled me to do it. In retrospect, all of my scenarios were pretty ridiculous. I was just trying to suppress my real feelings, because the church i went to didn't really approve of these things. After a while my daydreams became impossibly idealistic, like having total power or being completely irresistible, because in real life i felt too weak and helpless to actually do something about my situation. I really just needed to be more adventurous and to try out new things but i was too scared. Idk, that's how i think about it.