The Worst Kind of Reality

[Mira]

I've spent a lot of time in my life around people were kind of...emotionally volatile and very dramatic. One of these people, a former roommate of mine, was extremely insecure and very socially awkward. He was moody, kind of catty, and he got rejected by people so often, he started to reject people before they even had a chance to reject him. He was often very suicidal.

(But I wouldn't be surprised if he also had a very rich fantasy life.)

But, through living with him, I also realized that he was a perfectly normal individual when he was comfortable. His awkwardness didn't bother me as much as it bothered other people, so after a while he was a lot more relaxed around me, than around some. He asked me out a couple of times, and he wasn't really my type, but I didn't give him any grief about it. He seemed relieved about that.

I didn't see him much after I moved out, and then last year, he moved to British Columbia to try to get a fresh start. 

For some reason, I used to daydream over and over that I was saving him from throwing himself in front of a subway train. In my daydream, I dragged him kicking and screaming to the psych ward of the closest hospital and got him help he needed.

This week, I found out he'd killed himself about a month ago. (I don't know the details, and I don't really want them) 

Of all the daydreams to be forcibly removed from my brain by reality, it's so terrible it had to be that one. It makes me regret not doing more, not being as brave as I am in my daydreams. Though the guy who got the emergency call (who had also known him from childhood) told me he had been touched by my kindness. So at least there's that.

In the past, my reaction to grief has often been to distract myself with daydreams and avoid my own emotions. This time, I hope I can face my grief, even though the reality of it is painful. :(

[roxanne]

You have been, and continue to be, a good friend.

[Mira]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

I did get in contact with his mother actually, and I organized a small wake for people here in my city who just found out. I got them to sign a book and record their thoughts. I'll send it to his mother soon for Christmas. 

He was not the first (and surely not the last) of my friends to be suicidal. They're all so dramatic, it's sometimes hard to tell the difference between a real intention and a cry for help. In his case, he was very emotional, but very private. 

When he made his decision, he was on the opposite coast, and I try to think what I might have done, but...I can't think of much. There's only so much you can do over the Internet.

I think the real reason I had that DD so much was because I wanted an obvious, clear-cut situation where I could rush in and help him. But that was never the case with him- as I said, he was private with his thoughts, though perhaps not with his emotions.

[Ihaveitall]

I feel your pain. The truth about our condition is that what we DD about does society absolutely no good. And, as in your story, it becomes really a guilty feeling when we realize that instead of DDing we could have acted. This has happened to me too. I think that is why its important to limit our DDing and stay engaged with the real world. I know I know much eassier said than done......I had a friend who committed suicide. He came to me about it and I made him promise that he wouldn't do it. Well, those were just words and I realized later that his promise was just words like sometimes what I tell people to hide my DDing is "just words" Sad.

[Aquarius]

Your MD about saving him is about two things: You recognizing that he needed professional help , and your need to be a hero of sorts. Both are good things. You see your gut instinct about the person attempting suicide was right after all, you should trust your instincts more. As for you trying to saving him in your daydream, you probably have some leadership potential and you probably have infact in real life helped people out.

Its a tragedy nonetheless. We need to take suicide more seriously especially if someone confides in us about it. You did the best you could by accepting him as he was and as your friend- isn't that what everyone needs?

[J Noland]

I'm sorry to hear this. I'm sure he wouldn't want you of all people to feel any guilt. The idea of saving someone is a noble one but no one can really be responsible for that. It is a heavy burden to feel though, I hope you are doing okay.

[roxanne]

Roger, what a profound thought.  And I'm sure you are right.  So many people probably dismiss the news, or think something negative about him, that keeping positive thoughts in your mind seems wonderful.  Also, can you find any family members?  They may really appreciate hearing from someone who remembers him kindly.

[BilboBaggins]

Oh my gosh, Mira I'm so sorry that must be terrible. Suicide is such a horrible thing, the profound impact of it cannot possibly be expressed in words. I'm sorry that I cannot help more but my thoughts are with you through this time.