suicidal thoughts.

[Tanya]

hey everyone! i haven't been online much but there is something that i really wanted to share with someone and since i don't have anyone close enough to discuss this with i am sharing this on this website.

so basically i have been suffering from depression along with md for i long time now(im 18 by the way) and i have had suicidal thoughts for a while now. my result comes out tommorow and have been anxious for my marks. this year before my finals i was so stressed about my score that i started cutting myself. i don't do it anymore. 

i also want to go to a different city for my graduation but my parents are not ready to send me.my family situation has always been pathetic(not abusive though). 

anyway i quite frequently have suicidal thoughts. i know myself enough to know that im not brave enough to actually try it ever.but sometimes i wish i had the guts to kill myself. i know suicide isn't the answer but i sometimes dying looks better than going on living. i mean i have lost the will to actually live.i don't care about my future anymore and at times i wish my life was already over.

does anyone else has similar thoughts?

[Tanya]

thnx to everyone who replied to this post. this website has really helped me get through difficult periods. as far as professional help is concerned, that is not possible for me. no one in my family knows about my condition and i want to keep it that way. visiting this site though, is helping me heal.  thnx for the advice!

[Aquarius]

Tanya, you have to know that I wish with all my heart for your wellness.

Please, please, please go to a doctor and tell him/her about these thoughts.  You can't shoulder this alone. Ok maybe you can , but you shouldn't. You are unwell.

Sure doctors/therapists/psychiatrists suck big time. But there are some good ones too. Just please get help. Tell a doctor, maybe also a friend, your mom, a sibling. But go to a professional, please. 

[Catauxgory]

Sorry that you are facing difficulty in coping with life. Please know that it is temporary. In the grand scheme, it is only a spell that will break when the light comes in. The unbearable times will change to something different and something better. When I feel down I say affirmations. Here is a page from Louise Hay.

http://www.louisehay.com/affirmations/

[Tanya]

"If you have the strength to wish yourself death then you have the strength to wish yourself life"- this is really beautiful quote and i agree with it now. reading the comments that people have left on this blog post have given me strength. i am trying now not think about suicide as much as before.

[Phoebe]

"If you have the strength to wish yourself death then you have the strength to wish yourself life"
Remember that

[Roel]

I would rather not talk about my experiences (sorry) but I know what you feel and I wish you strenght. Don't let school or grades or whatever be the thing that kills you. You deserve better than that! And you're not alone!

[Tanya]

thank you for the advice. its good to know that there are people experiencing similar problems as me and that i am not alone. i do feel better now. 

[Sasha Greenwood]

When I was younger, I suffered from depression (never diagnosed, but confirmed later by my current therapist), and I constantly thought of killing myself. It started when I was young with little fleeting thoughts. When I was on the second floor of a building looking down, I would think, "I could do this." (I know now that would have probably paralyzed me). Usually I would have a little voice in the back of my head saying something like, "Things will get better."

It gradually got worse as I got older, and in college it became pretty serious.

Like you, I wasn't sure that I was brave enough to do it, but I think if circumstances were different (especially if I lived by myself at the time), it was possible.

One thing that helped me was actually MD. I would fantasize, quite vividly, how I would off myself. At the end, it was always the same. My mom would find me cold and dead, and would just be heart broken. I didn't want my mother to find me like that. I would imagine the funeral and my family, my mom and my dad. It sounds macabre, but I think it really helped me. However, what helped me may not help you.

And you're not alone. Be sure to reach out immediately if you really start planning and feel like you may act out your thoughts. I would find the suicide hotline where you live and store it somewhere you can access easily.