Sometimes I hate my characters. And myself, too.

[Grace]

Sometimes I get so tired.

Right now I'm so tired that I got on here. And I'm making a blog post. I haven't been on here for a year or two, I think. But I just am so tired.

I have an F in math right now and if I fail a class I get kicked out of my school. If I get kicked out of my school, I have to go to private school. Private school is full of those kinds of guys and girls that make me nervous. Though a lot of people make me nervous.

But after checking my grades I went back to my room and I walked in and the first thing I saw was that stupid picture of me and Toby I got framed when I met him in 2013 (I made a post about that, too, if anyone's seeing this that's been here long enough to have seen that). And I saw him and bursted into tears because I hate him so much.

I can't focus in any of my classes because of Toby. I think about him all the time and even when he wasn't my character (but he's been my characters for four years now—he's the one that's I'll never let go of, I can tell, no matter how bad of a person he is in real life because in my head he's beautiful) I never paid any attention in class. I have never paid attention in class, not in my entire life.

But things just always worked out before. But it's getting to the point where things aren't working out so well.

And I feel like I hate him all the time. And I sometimes wish he'd go away but then... where would I be without Toby? What would I do all day? The day I saw that video of him, heard him talk, I fell in love with everything about him and I can't go back anymore. I don't watch his youtube videos anymore. I can't go on his instagram. I hate him.

But I love him?

And then I hate myself too because I know that even if I was his age (oh, he's turning thirty tomorrow, by the way), even if I lived near him, if I met him, he would never care about me. And then I think of Justine when I look in the mirror. I hate myself for not looking like her. Not being as likable as her.

It's like I spend all my time, every waking moment, caught up in this guy that doesn't know I exist and would never give a crap about me and that hurts so much. For those of you with real people as their characters, can you relate?

I am so tired.

[Tom]

Toby is a silly name. Reason enough to lose all your interest in him. Take Toby from the 'The Office' for example. Every person that's named Toby is a mug. 

[♥]

I was in the same place as you a few years ago. I couldn't pay attention in school, I had a lot of bad grades and also, it was a result of my imagined boyfriend. I try not to incorporate real people into my daydreams as I've found that it only causes problems in the long run. The real person is never as great as they are in daydreams and it hurts.