Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
Another ranty post I'm afraid :(. So my mum gets in with a load of shopping and despite the situation being so predictable I offer to help out with putting the stuff away. I knew I'd just end up getting under my mums feet. She said "yes please that would be lovely" so I help her put some boxes of cereal away and some in the cupboards had little bits left in there. Trying to show a little bit of initiative I start trying to ask my mum whether anyone would eat the last bits of cereal. All of a sudden she proper loses her temper with me and snaps! I feel proper deflated and am just sat in the sitting room feeling useless now. That is the first time today I've seen her and that is the greeting I get. I still don't feel the best either so I am feeling a little fragile emotionally right now so maybe I'm just being over sensitive.
I know it sounds like an awful thing to say about my mum not deserving me, after all she did give birth to me and taught me most of what I knew. However, my confidence is always so frayed around her. I am always on the brunt of her temper. The slightest mistake or the slightest bad day she has and I become a verbal punching bag. Surely I am not that bad of a person that she makes me out to be :(. I feel so conflicted between the blood loyalty that I feel to my mum and the deep resent still that she forced my hand in a relationship that wasn't hers. She forcefully broke my heart because she was prejudiced and made me look like a typical player to someone I actually cared so deeply about.
I feel like she is trying to preserve my sense of loneliness so I become that possession she can keep on display whenever she likes. She doesn't respect my strive for individuality or my push for independence as an adult. I can hear her even now discussing the f*****g cereal again with my dad in a far more civil manner! Sorry for swearing but is that not a responsibility I am trusted with!? Or deserve to be treated like a normal human being over!?
I love my mother so much but it tears me apart to say roll on September I deserve to be treated a little better than this I feel :'(
I am torn between love and despair now. Loyalty and a huge loss of respect. I agree it's time to start standing my ground. Thank you.
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