Hello I`m Sara. Most of you probably dont know me because Im new and I do not post blogs but this is something I really wanted  to share. 

This girl that I know, more like an acquiescence , friend of a friend. You know what I mean. Well she`s gunna move so a lot of people from my grade made a little video for her. So we all showed the video after school to her.  I wasn`t a part of the video cause I was absent in school. But I wanted to go because I felt obligated to since the girl is a nice person and she has tried to reach out to be many times before. But honestly I did not want to go at all.  I get really anxious during social situations and often feel like shit afterwards. Anyways, I went and when we were watching the video, most of the girls were crying. I just sat there, no emotion, no feelings, nothing. I wasn`t even sad. I just didn`t feel anything. I only felt sad about the fact that everyone is so close; close enough to consider each other family.  And I`m just there. I felt like I wasted my child hood, always trynna avoid social situations, friends and everything. Now even though I have friends, I cant think of one memory where I had a good time or a time when I  wasnt anxious. Well I had experienced bullying and I feel as if that was the point from where I had so much social anxiety. I feel as if even if my best friend moves away, I wouldn`t feel anything. There were so many times in my life where I remember asking myself why dont I feel anything when I should be sad. And sometimes I feel as if the only things that bring me pleasure anymore, is DDing, or anything triggering my DDs like my movies and tv shows. Has any of you ever felt the same way?

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Comment by Angela E on June 18, 2012 at 8:00pm

I bet that you are a lot stronger than you think.  Just talking about how you feel, even on this forum, is a big step and takes courage.  Congratulate yourself on every step you take.  I know it feels like the way these people will judge you if you are yourself will follow you around the rest of your life, but it's not true.  In fact, by the time you're my age (not that old, ha ha just 24), you probably won't even have any clue where they are or what they're doing in life.  Unless you make some great connections with them, that is.  Not everyone will like you.  Not everyone likes me.  :)  BUT if you're yourself, I guarantee you some people WILL love you!  I know it's hard to let go, and it might take time.  But I believe you will get there.  I know you will.  Really, your story sounds so much like mine, and I was scared too.  Just take little steps---doesn't even have to be in a social context.  Just find things you love, little things that make you happy and feel connected to the real world.  The people you've been around who've bullied you are not the way everyone is.  I thought nobody would like the real me since I was bullied so much as a kid, but I've found out that's not true.  The more you give people a chance to like you, the more you will find that people really will want to hang out with you.  Don't pressure yourself or feel like you HAVE to make yourself socialize a ton now...maybe just think about some of this.  Start seeing if you can question your negative thoughts.  Ask yourself, "Do I really know this will be bad?  How do I know?"  Funny enough, when I had low self-esteem it helped me to tell myself, "It's not like you know much of anything, so why are you SO sure that you're right about all this negative stuff???"  It really worked for me---using my low self-esteem against my low self-esteem ha ha.  :)  Like I said, you can always come here and pour your heart out!  I think a lot of people here can empathize with what you're going through.  You are not alone.  You're not weird or less than anyone else.  I'm glad you shared your story too!  

Comment by LostSoul99 on June 18, 2012 at 6:30pm

@Angela E thanks for sharing your story. It just made me feel so much better now that I know that I'm not the only one that is going or went through this. I hope that someday, I do over come this numbness and I wish that I could be as strong as you and interact with other people sometime in the future and make new friends. 'Cause I sometimes feel as if that's exactly what I need. I need new people in my life. One day, I went to a friend's house and she had friend's over which I didn't really know, for that one day, I just let myself go, acted silly and had so much fun. The social anxiety is always with people in my community or school, I don't know why. Maybe because, it was around these people who I got bullied or because if I act myself around these people, their judgement will eventually come to haunt me. Who knows? I don't know if I have depression. I know that MDers are prone to depression so who knows. But maybe just like you did,  I do feel anger towards everyone who's ever done anything to hurt me. I look at life at a negative light and often find myself pushing others away from me or not being able to show show loving  emotions towards them. 

Comment by Angela E on June 18, 2012 at 6:07pm

Yes, I felt the same way in high school Sara.  I had a long period of depression where I felt very numb.  It felt like I would never feel anything ever again.  But I was wrong.  I am so happy that I pressed on and challenged myself to interact with people!  I have so many amazing people in my life now and have had so many experiences that have touched me.  I feel joy every single day.  Sure, I also experience frustration and sadness and disappointment.  Sometimes I still feel self-conscious or worried about certain things.  But things have gotten so much better, and I'm excited about my future. 

I can't speak for you, but I think that I went numb as a coping mechanism.  What I really felt was anger---anger at people who bullied me, anger at my parents retreating into depression and not being there, even anger at teachers who didn't understand.  And I was just angry at life in general, because I was a kid and didn't have any real say in my life.  All these things about it sucked, and I couldn't change them...or that's how it felt.  But it wasn't socially acceptable for me to be angry or to yell at people.  I was the "nice" and "good" kid, and I wanted to be that nice and good kid.  I wanted people to like me, so I held all my anger inside.  Eventually I just stopped feeling anything. 

Don't give up Sara.  I don't think you will always feel this way.  It will get better one little step at a time.  It didn't change for me overnight, but it didn't take forever either.  Maybe you could consider talking to a counselor about this?  Maybe your school counselor even?  You can always talk to me!  Anytime. 

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