Self Hatred

[Elizabeth Moore]

I probably should have written this when I was actually feeling this, but I'll try my best to explain how I was feeling a few days ago.

Every week or so I have what i call 'self-hatred attacks'. This is where I process my faults, normally my DDing, and start despairing and thinking about all the goals I have which I'm not going to reach (or so I think) because I spent all my time DDing. I convince myself that I will never change and will just waste my potential and end up dying without having really lived a proper life. Each day I tell myself I'm going to get up on time, each week I tell myself I'm going to write a blog post or revise my German vocab or the million other things I should do, but I don't, and then when I go to sleep or pause to reflect on this I am consumed with a poisonous frustration with myself which becomes loathing. The feeling has made me scream and cry and tear things, and I've punched myself twice now (only in my thigh,  it didn't hurt, and it helped me calm down because at that point I knew I was being ridiculous, but I don't want it to become more serious). Why can't I just wake up on the weekend, and not lie in bed DDing until shame forces me out of bed at half past one in the afternoon? Why can't I just sit down and write out the story in my head? I seem incapable of doing it except for the fact that it's perfectly easy to do.

One of the worst parts of this is that when I feel like this I cannot stand people seeing me because I am so ashamed of myself and I feel sure that they will judge me critically in their own heads, and thus when they do see me I am hostile and irritable. Strangely I don't feel this with my friends, only with my family and for some reason one of my teachers. I wonder if it's because I feel a greater need to please my family and that teacher, because he teaches my best subject and I really want to do well in it, but I know my friends like me even if I screw up a bit because otherwise they wouldn't keep talking to me.

I know others feel ashamed of their DDing, but I was wondering if anyone could relate to these sudden 'attacks', or had any advice as to how to deal with them.

I really haven't expressed this very well. If I can give a better idea of how I feel, I might update the blog.

DFTBA

[Madelyn]

My whole life is a big attack, ha ha. Yeah, I'm like this also. I really love all you guys cos of all the wonderful descriptive stuff you write about. I've felt so terrible but I've never been able to articulate it or describe it to people (makes it difficult, so I oft en just tell people 'I'm tired') I really feel like notthat a lot. I'm not a perfectionist though. I do however, hold myself to a very impossibly high standard. I compare to ideal self I think. But I'm not a details person in other areas or with other people. Its difficult to love yourself when you can't stand your own company!

[taffle]

I experience self-hatred attacks every now and then. It helps to keep a schedule of what you want to do for the day and stick with it. It's also important not to overstress yourself with too many tasks for the day. Make realistic expectations.

[Melissa]

I feel this way sometimes as well. My husband will call to say he's on his way home from work, and I will realize I have nothing that I have accomplished. I will start listing off what I did do. I'll tell him how many words I managed to write that day, if I actually did any sort of cleaning I start listing it off. Some days I do less than others. Some days he thinks he's coming home to a disaster of a house only to get home and find that everything is fine, I'm just panicing because I don't feel accomplished. And he really doesn't care what I accomplish during the day unless my lack of is making me freak out. I don't want to dissappoint him and i don't even think my dissappointing him is possible. If I do all the errands/chores I planned for that day, I end the day upset that I didn't write. Managing my time is a constant struggle.

I know I can't feel happy unless I feel accomplished, so I start everyday striving to complete my goals, I make a list, and some days I do so well I have time to add a few extra goals, some days I accomplish nothing and I either  don't care or I am devastated.

When my mind is pulling me and doesn't want me doing anything, I force myself to try to do something. Unloading the dishes is too much for me to wrap my head around and complete without wandering away from it, so I unload half, eat breakfast, and unload the other half. I'll set a timer for 10 minutes and push myself to try and write 100 words. I do these things for as long as I can handle it to help me keep focus. It seems to really help me. I've never been diagnosed with anything, but I saw a show about adult adhd and I associated with a lot of it and I had only thought I had social anxiety. They reccommended fish oil supplements to help with concentration. I got some, but don't take them often. 

Okay, I could go on and on and on.

When you're feeling bad about your day, just remember how you feel in that moment and apply it to what you will do tomorrow. I hope you're able to do all those things you're striving to do.

[ShellyBelly]

They happen to me quite a bit. I think it's linked to perfectionism. If you are like me and you feel like you have to have every duck in a row before you can start a task and then you plan/DD it in your mind instead of actually ding it, it can become very frustrating. I sooooo hear you about the writing. It's so hard! But a few weeks ago I tried to start freelance writing (needless to say I haven't touched the blog in a month) but when I did get into the flow of writing some articles, I felt so good. So I would definitely encourage you to keep trying.

I also rehash past times where I did something foolish or someone hurt me and I just can't figure out why those kinds of things keep happening to me. I can't seem to stop internalizing any of the negativity I feel. You sound the same.

I was reading another perons' blog where they mention that they can't feel happy in the moment and it sounds like you too may be experiencing discontent. I am the same. I have so much now to be grateful for but I can't feel it because I just don't feel good enough. I feel like I haven't reached my full potential and that I am wasting my time.

It also sounds that you too are afraid of judgement and being shamed. This is the root of my DD. Did you experience harsh criticism or bullying as a child? I have discovered that part of my DDing is due to the fact that I was severely bullied as a child and that made me very anxious of when it would happen so when I would DD, I would try to predict outcomes so that I would know what to do or say. It sounds like you may have the same.

I hope this helps. Let me know what you think. -Shelly