Sadness

[Hana]

And there are some days when I feel happy and there are other days when I just don't feel anything at all. I'm so tired of my emotional roller coaster. I’m tired of hating my life and everything around me. Some times I just sit down and think about what people would be like if I ever just went missing. I have this terrible self loathing that makes me curl up and hide from everyone. I want to crawl under my sheets and just be consumed by the blackness. Never see, or hear anything ever again. A place where no one can see or hear me. I can't do anything wrong. I want to disappear. I don't want to die, I’m afraid to die. If I die I will be judged, will God want me? Am I any good to him anymore? My lifetime of mistakes. The things I do that I know are wrong but I do them anyway. Why would God want me?

Maybe it's cuz I’m such a people person and I’m fun to be around. Which is one of my many traits. I'm the worlds best actress you know. No one would ever guess how I really feel about things. That I’m so completely swallowed by my own sadness that I can't function on my own. That despite how cool I make myself out to be it's never enough in my mind.

I just keep them all bottled up inside till it's too late. (that's probably my sub-conscience addiction to pain and unhappiness. I hold back so I have more reasons to hate myself.)

Something I wrote during the lowest point in my life. I guess this is what abuse can do to a person. Whatever. I know now that I was never at fault for anything that happened. He was an asshole. And he didn't know a good thing when he had it.