Ranting and expressing

[Princess Pania]

I only just discovered maladaptive daydreaming recently after I had had enough of the doctors telling me I simply had depression, I'm not a very depressed person so I don't understand how I had depression. I have a touch of it, not as majorly as they say so I decided to google things, mostly why I day dream constantly then I came along this. I couldn’t believe it when I found it, that I don’t sit in day dreams for hours on end just because I’m weird, strange or a freak.

So this is me venting I guess, writing is the only way that makes me feel better so heres a bit about me and why I day dream.  

I'm 19 and have been day dreaming for as long as I can remember, I know it was a way for me to get away from the experiences I endured as a child. I had a tough up bringing, constantly being swapped between my parents who never married or ever together. In a way I was a mistake, my parents were on drugs and didn’t mean for me to happen but I know my mum doesn’t regret me, for my dad I can't say the same. (Sounds horrible but it doesn’t bother me much) 

So long story short, my mum wanted me, my father didn't but they fought for custody of me so the deal was I'd spend every second weekend with my father. I didn't get a choice about this up until I was sixteen. My father is not a nice man, I can’t remember a lot when I was at his when I was young because I didn’t leave my room. I didn't leave my day dreams, I was scared of him because if I did something wrong something would be thrown at me and then let's not forget my father is a drug dealer. That I used to my advantage when I went through my rebellious streak at seventeen. 

Now my mother loves me and I know that but her choice of boyfriends were not great and still isn't, I have left home now but I was so afraid to leave her. Her boyfriend she's had since I was ten is violent, I watched him over the years whack my mother around. So I'd retreat into my room, pull the covers over my head and day dream. It was my escape. But none of this, my upbringing never destroyed my positivity.  

I've never intentionally hurt myself, I constantly help my two friends who are battling sever depression and psychosis. But I was so afraid to tell them that I thought something was wrong with me, that I couldn't seem to stay in reality. My problems felt like nothing compared to theirs so I kept my mouth shut, retreated to my day dream when life got tough and came out of it pretending everything is okay. I could spend days in my day dream until I got bored but I would feel so exhausted when I came out of it, like I had been on a drug trip and was finally wearing off. 

I finally said something to a friend who has a slight borderline persoantliy disorder, I thought I had a touch of it because of all the characters I've created in my head. She said no because I can tell what's real and what's not, she can't. So I was back to depression, something that the doctors thought I was going to get because of my upbringing but it only gave me anxiety. I'm a tough cookie, I've been to three different schools, very different schools. A Steiner style school for very creative kids like I was as a child, I went for my first few years of school but unfortunately at the age 9 I couldn't read or write a thing. I couldn't even spell my own name. So I was moved to a Anglican school. I was bullied from day one, I was the freak at school. 

Now as a young kid growing up around men who were violent towards me and my mother gave me a hatred towards boys something I'm still battling with. But as a kid while they bullied me because I was strange making faces at myself (because I was in a day dream) or playing with my ears (which is a big sign that I'm in a day dream and still do it today) kids called me all sorts of names and because this was a religious school and I was a not I was outcasted even more. The boys though never got away with it, they came out of it with golf ball bruises on their legs. I had one hell of a kick on me and because I was such a tiny kid. Being both short and skinny I used to get away with it because how on earth could a tiny kid like that even manage it, to everyone I was a weak little kid.  

At the age of eleven I had perfected the art of manipulation and deceit. Any bad thing I ever did at school I got away. Finally when I was 15 and after going through a year of figuring if I liked girls or boys which got me bullied even worse to the point I would dread going to school because I had no idea which group of people would let me hangout with them. So one day I finally told my mum I didn't fit in, I needed to leave that school. I did. 

I went the the local public school, there I kept to myself. Hardly anyone knew who I was and for those last few years of my schooling I honestly don't remember them, I was in a constant daze and who ever brought my out of that daze I acted out. In a way that I never got caught. 

For example I had this photography teacher who decided I was her favourite person to pick on, she'd blame me for things I didn't do. Accuse me for plagiarism on my assessments and tell other students that the way I dressed was inappropriate, (I either wore baggy clothes that I had from my neighbour because I didn't have to money to buy proper clothes or my clothes would have holes in them) so I dressed as a boy mostly to keep the other boys away from me. This teacher I had would constantly yell at me for staring out the window day dreaming like I was on drugs, in front of the whole class. So what did I do? 

I waited. 

I listened. 

This teacher was 23, I was 17 and a very dangerous 17 year old. She was speaking to her favourite student and mentioned the suburb she lived in which happened to be the one right next to my dads, one day when she left school I wrote down her type of car and the license plate. I felt like I was on a mission. Like I was in one of my day dreams. 

I waited until a couple of months passed and I had dropped the class not having to deal with that teacher anymore, then when everything died down between us I figured out where she lived. First I egged her house with rotten eggs. No one knew it was me becuse I was the only one who knew. Then I sprayed painted some nasty words on her car and house then finally a brick went through her window, she moved houses. I taught her never pick on a kid who you think is weak and innocent because generally we are not nice people when you get on our bad side. She also was taught not to speak of where she lived during classes, that school had a bad rep anyway with kids pushing teachers downstairs for doing something the kids didn’t like. So that teacher who targeted me was warned when kids started complaining about her, I was just the one who managed to get to her. Scare her. 

I never got caught for that act, I was honestly so pleased with myself. She did mention to the principal that it could have been me but because my record was so clean they never really looked hard into it. But while I was doing my dirty deed I was pretending to be someone else, I was actually stuck in a day dream while doing this enhancing the thrill of it.  I never told anyone it was me except for some close friends, they were honestly shocked. Me, the quiet girl in the corner of the room who day dreams and is so adorable when I get angry. From that day on they learnt I was not so adorable anymore. And that was only the start of my rebellious streak. 

Nearly four years later and I've toned down especially since moving countries, I left Australia about a year ago to live in New Zealnd with my grandfather. I left because my father was giving me drugs which was enhancing my day dreams to the point I stopped eating becuase that disrupted my day dream. I was nearly hospitalised becuase I was so skinny, that didn't bother me becuase the weakness helped me stay in the day dream. It wasn't until I literally couldn't get out of bed that I realised oh man this isn't good. 

So one day I got up and left, I had many reasons why I left but that was one of them. Right now I’m in the best place I’ve ever been in, I’m currently studying to be a vet nurse because I socialise better with animals then I do with people. I'm still having trouble talking to people becuase for six months I didn't leave my room. It’s like I’ve got to learn how to socialise with people again but I can't let go of my day dreams, if I do I feel like I'm lonely. That I honestly have no one.  

I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be able to let go of my day dreams because of how much I’ve used it as a safe house, even though my day dream isn’t always a better place than my reality and I love making my characters suffer more than I do to make me feel better but it gets to a point where it can be unhealthy, that I day dream instead doing stuff that needs to be done.  

I have so many triggers.

If I touch my ears I’m in my day dream. 

Watch an action or comedy movie I’m in my day dream. 

Listen to music im in my day dream. 

I could honestly go on. 

I’m so addicted to it that sometimes it scares me but I am honestly so glad there is a place I can express myself and not feel like that freak from school again. That I’m not alone.  

Song: Legacy by Eminem.  

[Sharon]

Yes you are not alone..>>>>HUGS. I also love that song by Eminem "Legacy" 

[Camoran]

Indeed you're not alone, welcome to this little corner in the internet. I think you'll find plenty of perfectly enjoyable stuff here that'll make 'normal' seem an alien word.
"Enjoy your stay, and don't break nuthin'."