Ok... here it goes.

[Emily]

Hi, I'm Emily. Today's my birthday and it's my turn to finally introduce myself.

 

A month or so ago I found out about MD; I stalk Yahoo Answers mental health page when I can't sleep. I stumbled across someone saying they had a daydreaming problem. After reading a few answers I was on my way, frantically searching the internet for any piece of information I could on the disorder. Not long after, I found this.

 

It was in second grade. I remember this old show, W.I.T.C.H. on disney channel, that you could say started it all. Yes, just a TV show, not so much a pitiful story about how I was abused as a kid. No, I had a great childhood, but it's now, when I have to face the world, I realize how much of a passive person I really am.

 

Back to the story. On my bus rides to school my friend and I, Elizabeth, well... we had this game. Two twin princesses, magical powers, a secret world, man, it was the bee's knees. The show had given me some ideas and the game was all I would think about. We stayed on that for a month or two. When she was done, I would BEG her to play it with me. Through with begging, a week after she stopped, so did I.

 

Until middle school. I can't exactly put my finger on the moment I remembered it all, maybe I had thought about it throughout the years, ugh, I can't be sure. In 6th grade I had read Maximum Ride by James Patterson and maybe it was then; I remembered my story and began to add things and change them.

 

Outcast... betrayal... daydreaming... daydreaming... adding more storylines... more music, I NEED MORE!... daydreaming... no music, withdrawel... "wait, what's MD?"... loss of ambition... daydreaming... now.

 

And there's SO MUCH MORE! I've barely said a word.

 

I've told my family. NOTHING. My mom has problems and she's still the most unsupportive person! "Well, we all have imaginations, Em. You can always write a book..." My father, the most childish, beerbellied, innapropriate guy who says I do nothing (gee I wonder why...) says I'm addicted to the internet! NO! I'm trying to get away from my coping device (dd) with my coping device (my computer). "Go to bed early!" I'm SO SICK OF THEM! I dd they're GONE sometimes. I daydream about my ahem, "real" family: my brother and friends. It's great... it's beautiful...

 

And then people get on here (and let me just say CONGRADULATIONS! I'm so glad YOU have a coping device! YOU have an outlet! YOU can express yourself! YOU can write and it doesn't look like CRAP! I've tried, believe me. I've tried to write) and they're all SO HAPPY they're done with it all! "3 week without dd. I almost did this morning during breakfast but, I just wrote a short story about it and I should be fine for the next week or two". But dd is ALL. I. HAVE. I've TRIED to give it up, really I have. I've accidentally gone into withdrawel (my phone broke aka I didn't have any music for over a month unless I wanted to sit in a desk chair all day trying to dd) and it SUCKS! For me at least...

 

I've begun to not care! I'm failing a few classes. Heck, I don't even care about my art class anymore! ART CLASS!

 

I've told my friends. The few of them, that is. They don't understand like you guys. I think I also suffer from anxiety (maybe something along the lines of derealization) and touch deprivation (I dd about just being held, so it hurts when there's no one there to do so). I'm triggered by:

-music

-good books, movies, or tv shows (as stated above)

-mirrors (and, no, I'm not staring at my reflection all day, there's just something about them. I'll pace around my bathroom all day lipsyncing to my music, don't ask me why)

-DREAMS (I am a HUGE dreamer. Ever since I got into Lucid dreaming which involves training yourself to remember your dreams. I once spent a weekend doing nothing but lying in bed dd about a storyline I was molding from one of my dreams)

My "ticks" are

-pacing/spinning/dancing (but not always)

-lipsyncing (to music)

-face changing/reacting to dd (HUGE one for me I'm always doing it while walking down school hallways...)

-talking to myself

 

Something that's really painful for me is when I go into, what I call, "Hypothetical Daydreaming Mode". If someone I see is being irritating (as many people these days are. At least most people my age... OH AND BTW IM IN HIGH SCHOOL!) I imagine violently beating them up, pushing them down stairs, going on a panic attack where my friends are trying to help me as I storm out of the building. I WOULDN'T, of course. It's just painful having to keep that bottled up inside...

 

Anyway, I've only just scraped the iceberg, but if you love me enough to have read this entire thing A. I really appreciate and B. because I love you, I'll stop here :) Thanks again guys. Feedback? Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? Compliments?

[Emily]

@Jennifer and @Jules thank you :) for the both the birthday wishes and the support!

@Aquarius I'm trying to listen and discover who I am but I have trouble when I'm stressed and have all this work and am anxious. The anxiety is killing me! I can't get anything done and I certainly can't hear the world. Besides, I don't want to be normal. If I wanted to be normal, I'd be wearing brand name 'Pink" Victoria's Secret yoga pants, walking around in slippers, and macking on my 2 year older than me boyfriend in the middle of the hallway. Normal sounds rather idiotic. I just want to make it through the day without feeling the need to strangle myself.

@Libby As I comment on your comment I am procrastinating my homework as I have this entire weekend. I've always wanted to do the whole 'incorperating work into fantasy' and it often works when it comes to cleaning and chores, but schoolwork? Ehh... not so much. You all have got to understand I'm an honors student. I dropped down a mathclass because I couldn't grasp it. I left all my friends (it was the perfect class when it came to the people in it, just not the curriculum) and was moved to a class filled with juniors and seniors who, frankly, scare the crap out of me. I know it's important but, ugh, I JUST CAN'T ANYMORE! I want to go into something like an audioligist or something like that. I don't see the point and I have no ambition in these classes.

@kay Pow Man, I hate it when my writing sucks. Grrr... Lol, mind sharing what show? I'm very intrigued. And let me tell you middle school, I MISS IT. I never would have thought I would but I do! SO BAD! Back then I cared and now... I don't.

My guyfriend just broke my heart tonight. Sometime's he's there for me and I think he wants to get closer to me and then I realize how much he doesn't understand. Daydreaming is a big part of me (not that I want it to be) and when I realize "wow, he just doesn't get it" I'm left here feeling emptier than before. Even more alone :/ Then I think he comes right out and says "you want me to be more than a friend" and acts all sweet and BAM! suddenly there's a misunderstanding about my dd and I'm left in my room with nothing. Sorry to dump this on  you guys, it's just really knawing away at me right now.

[Libby]

Hi Emily. I joined a long time ago, but I have never been much of a poster and I never introduced myself with my story like you have. So it feels awkward for me to welcome you here, but welcome anyway.
I can identify with a lot of what you say. You are also experiencing normal teenage angst and so some of what you say such as feelings toward your family and peers at school would likely be there regardless of your MD.

I also think you do, in fact, care about your classes. You will have a lifetime of regret if you don't try your best at school. Can you incorprate your schoolwork into your fantasy? Your parents don't get you, but I get you. I also played a game with a friend when I was younger. That game was fantasy heaven. She played it with me and when it was over she probably went home and thought about 20 different things. However in my mid mind it was going 24/7. I make facial expressions too.
I can say that it is possible to have MD and go on with life. I am married, I have 3 kids, I have a masters degree, and I have a great job. Learn to embrace yourself and you will accomplish things. High school matters so much when you are in and then afterwards...not so much. Your grades and education however will last your lifetime. Drag yourself off the computer. Drag your thoughts onto the teacher in class. Make yourself sit and study. I think its best to get all of your work done first, then allow yourself to fall into fantasy. If you come home from school and fall into fantasy, your work will not get done. Hang in there!

[Aquarius]

Feedback would be - you dont need feedback.

Changes happen but sometimes life just seems to be stuck in the monotonous cycle with people around you who just cant see you. And thats a huge reason to MD- when you cant physically escape, you escape mentally.

You are on a journey of self-discovery, its torturous, but for what its worth , somewhere along the road , you will understand your self a little better, and maybe just forgive yourself for being you. You'll understand that 'normal' is a relative term. And you will learn that everyone has their demons.

Happy birthday Emily. Go out and embrace the world, believe that it is calling out your name. All you have to do is listen.

[Jennifer]

Happy birthday, Emily!! I'm so glad we got to know one another! And thank you for sharing your story, it's really inspiring. :)

[Jules]

Happy Birthday Emily! You're not alone. (:

[Emily]

@greyartist thank you!!! :D

@James Wow, it's cool we're so alike, it sounds like you really get it (especailly the writing down your daydreams). And, also I am crazy jealous of people who can do it naturally, lucid dreaming isn't that difficult once you get the hang of it (doing things like writing down dreams and reality checks). And even then I'm in no way having them at the rate I would like to.

[greyartist]

Hi Emily, happy birthday and welcome to the site.