Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
I really don't know what I'm typing this for. I don't know if it will help anyone to understand who doesn't have MD or maybe let someone else know they "aren't alone" in what I am about to explain. I highly doubt it will do either of those things but here it goes. I feel kind of stupid typing this because it almost seems like I'm trying to say "Hey! Look at me! Pay attention to what I have to say!". Anyway, here it goes. I realized I had a problem with daydreaming when I started to play as another character. I know a lot of you daydream as other characters, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. So then, "What's was wrong with that?" Once I snapped out of that certain character, I felt as if I was trying to be someone else. And because I wanted to be that person, I was so selfish to want to give up the perfectly okay life I had then. (Even though at the time looking back at it, things weren't really so great...) Now that I've been back daydreaming as "myself" for a few years, I have recently felt very selfish. I mean, how could "I" make up a world for myself? How could I be so shallow as to make a world revolved around me? I had always daydreamed as myself before I was in that "other-character phase" and saw nothing wrong with it. I've written stuff from my dreams out (and drawn pictures), and I'm horrified that if anyone finds them, they're going to think I'm self centered little...ahem BITCH. Anyway, another problem that I've had is that I've felt that the characters in my daydreams are too high of expectations of what I would want in the real world. All to the point I don't even want to socialize anymore because I have "what I want" on too high of a pedestal. Friends, boyfriends. I guess I feel that since I'll never get what I want, I should just stick to the ever-so-perfect people of my daydreams. Which is PROBABLY what I'm going to end up doing. Of course, since these people are so perfect, when I have these thoughts they always try to reassure me I'm wrong and blah blah blah. Alright, while I'm on the subject of characters, I may as well type about something I've read on here before. Even though I know and am sure that others of you have felt this way, it's still embarrassing as hell to say...I have one specific character I am attached to...and of course, my mind has tricked itself into believing that this imaginary person also feels very attached to me. (Very common, I know.) I have gotten upset that he is not real. Crying many times because I couldn't be with that person. After I would get done crying, I would beat myself up by telling myself how stupid I was to want to be with a character in my head. How pathetic it was. Every time I see a picture of someone that reminds me of him, or maybe a character from a TV show, I just can't look at it. It's not because I'm upset he isn't "here" with me. It's because I feel so ashamed that he is someone I created and someone I...love. I feel pathetic saying that too. I love a fictional character in my head and I would feel bad even looking at other guys because I feel as if I'm "cheating" on him. There. That there was just closure. I've come to terms with most of this stuff because I know it isn't my fault...at least, I've fooled myself into thinking I've come to terms with most of this stuff....but I really can't get over this character. I don't want to. I'll be happy if he just stays here in my head. This...is also a problem. I'm young yet, and I feel I can at least SLIGHTLY still get away with daydreaming so much. But you know, eventually I'm going to have to get into the "real" world. Responsibilities. I need to finish highschool, go to a college where I can learn to do what I want to do for a living...I'm clinging on to my daydreaming and this character for dear life. I want to get real friends and maybe a real boyfriend. I want to be responsible and do what I have to. All at the same time though, I don't want to. I want to live the way I am forever. Anyway, this is kind of....I don't know. I'm either trying to release a bunch of stuff or...? Well, this is kind of on a different note.
During my "other character" phase, I had tried getting a cousin of mine into daydreaming. At the time, I honestly didn't realize it was just me trying to project my daydreams into real life, but that's what it was. Then again, at that time I didn't even realize I was excessively daydreaming. I saw it as "playing pretend" even though it would really be daydreaming. My cousin and I called it a "game" we played. Our "game" was kind of just talking out what would happen. To be honest, I was kind of a corrupted child at the time. Part of our "game" was sexual even though I wasn't even sure what sex really was. That out of the way, we played this "game" all throughout my "character" phase. Then it started getting personal since the characters were now us. When I started being "me" again, I would somehow end up having the story revolve around me. It wasn't like that as much before, but then it was. Like I said, I was just "acting" out my daydreaming. Eventually, my cousin got tired of this "game" because well...she obviously wasn't an obsessive daydreamer like I was. After this, we've rarely spoken or really interacted much like we used to. I kind of felt as if by doing what I did I may have "traumatized" her. It's come to my understanding though that that shouldn't really be a problem since we were kids...I'm only really afraid of her telling one of our elders. If she does, I have a feeling my life will be ruined. Which is...really kind of a silly thing to think. (By saying things are silly, I'm kind of watering down how serious I've felt about this stuff...ugh.)
This is the last of what I'm going to say. I have felt "disgusting" and "insane" because of daydreaming. Not too much anymore, but I have. I've noticed that sometimes posts with the topic of "me" (not me literally, but others that write about themselves.) don't really get too payed attention to...so this will most likely be ignored. I guess maybe what I'm trying to do is just add some more knowledge to our little (as it seems) "database" here. (I mean it IS a database really. People here talking about their maladaptive daydreaming experiences and such.) I guess maybe I'm hoping this will "inform" someone in some way? I don't know. Sorry if this all looks like just a couple of walls of text. I'm kind of just venting I guess. Or maybe I'm just trying to figure out the bad things about this disorder and lay them all on the table. Sorry I really don't understand what I'm trying to do here. Sometimes my brain tells me to do things and then I figure out why I did them later. Anyway, that's it.
@Solaina- go easy on yourself. You've mentioned high school so Im guessing you're a teenager, you need to understand that hormones are at play too. And MDer or not- at this stage in life almost everyone has idealistic views and unrealistic expectations of people. Stop fretting over the cousin episode she's got way too much homework to do anyway.
You are allowed to be self centred in your daydreams. Its ok, we all are. Try watching some new movies or tv serials- you'll amazed how quickly your MD guy gets some competition.
(seriously hoping your MD guy is NOT Robert Pattinson, why do girls like him at all?!)
@ Solaina: take a break, read what you write about yourself: Selfish, shalow, self centered little...ahem and so on.
Is that realy what you think about yourself? Sorry I am realy direct there. I feel I used to much of my life to come over the phase you are in. Thinking no-one realy know who you are (that is probably true) and no-one want to know you (that is definitively wrong).
Your DD guy know you inside out and stil love you. He may not exist what he has to tell about you is true. And you need to know it. Its not selfish, you have nothing to give other people if you do not reconise who you are.
Thanks for posting this. I daydream, and I know people will tell me to get a life, to get a real life boyfriend, make more friends, and stuff like that. It would be nice to have more genuine friends, or to deepen my existing friendships. But, I'm not interested in getting a boyfriend at all; for some reason, I attract jerks and some of them can be bullies, they can be mean and turn on me once they found out I have no interest in them. So, for now, I'll stick to daydreams to satisfy my romantic needs. Real life guys depress me.
"Sorry if this all looks like just a couple of walls of text. I'm kind of just venting I guess."
hey, that's what the blog is for. To vent, share, or just get something out.
I tried making something serious...but I wasn't even able to exaggerate myself enough. I guess I just don't take myself serious enough. Hahaha...
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